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Newest Member: mkei

Wayward Side :
Why? Exploring root causes of cheating

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Maia ( member #8268) posted at 4:23 AM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2019

I bumped my reframing post. its my why. you can read it, might help.

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.Psalms 34:18

posts: 6874   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2005   ·   location: I am a Bluegrass-American
id 8483708
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1girlsmom ( member #63541) posted at 3:46 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

What nightmare01 said.

I would like to add a pressure point to it.

This has been said, rehashed & examined on SI, but here goes.

My childhood was really bad. I've had scary things happen to me as a young adult. My WH has been mentally & verbally abusive to me throughout our marriage.

My WH has had none of that. Here l stand as a BS, multiple times but found out by his confession after catching him in the first A.

It never crossed my mind to reciprocate a flirt from someone other than my spouse throughout our marriage.

posts: 237   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018
id 8487236
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1girlsmom ( member #63541) posted at 4:01 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

Sorry, I meant to say after catching in him in his last A.

We all know right from wrong.

We all know truth from a lie when we are the ones telling it.

It's about whether or not we are willing to shove our spouses love/heart down the garbage disposal & flip that switch.

For me, its that simple.

I don't care about how something affected you if it involves a "reason to commit adultery".

If a person knows right from wrong, they also know commiting adultery is wrong.

It's just a choice of how valuable you are/aren't to the adulterer & whether or not you are worthy of their faithfulness.

I understand my opinion is certainly not going to be well received but I cannot see it any other way.

posts: 237   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018
id 8487239
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 GuiltAndShame (original poster member #71029) posted at 4:15 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

Thank you 1girlsmom. I can understand your point of view, I certainly look at my own past behavior that way. How could I have done what I did? What made me capable of doing that? I want to ensure that I am NEVER that person again, I hate who I was and how I behaved. HATE. If digging into possible reasons helps me understand myself and learn to cope differently with my issues, then I must do it. I want to do everything in my power to slay the cheater in me. As you wrote, not everyone who has a difficult childhood becomes a cheater. So I must work on understanding what makes me different.

Me: WH Her: BW (landclark)

posts: 79   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8487241
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:06 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019

Super late to this post. Maybe you will see it.

Please do the 5 whys. My WH has stopped digging at the first level of why. It feels cheap to me.

For example. I thought “I deserve this”.why did you deserve this? Because ..? Then ask why again. And again and again.

Then sit back and say how am I never going to do this again. What will I DO. No cheap words. Actions.

Your wife deserves so much more. How are you going to give that to her?.

And talk to her about it.

Standing tall

posts: 2232   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8488043
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