SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First post ever about this stuff so please go easy on me...…

Im 53 and my wife is 48. We have 2 children 13 and 16 ( boy and girl. We have been married 19 years and have been together for 29 including dating. I have been faithfull the whole 29 years. 9 months ago I found out by an anonymous tip of my wifes cheating. At that time, it was a year old. She had been going to a local club that I am a member of with her friend to play pool. While there, she was flirted upon by a 23 year old drunk, drug addicted, woman beating kid who lived with his parents. It started out innocent enough but the flirting continued and next, they were in his car listening to music and talking. eventually this led to kissing and then to oral sex. This "affair" if you want to call it that went on from November2017 to March 2018. They had oral sex 3 times with no intercourse. She used no protection and on one occasion, he had ( or may have had) an orgasm. She is unsure of this but if he did she says she may not have "spit it out" sorry for the details here but this is a big deal for me and it hurts me to think my wife allowed this. She has never done anything like this ever Im sure of this.... Totally out of character for her. She says she did this for "attention" I worked a lot to get all we needed and showed my attention and love through deed. I did compliment often but not to her needs I guess.

Info on my wife: She has terrible self esteem and body image issues. Her dad was an alcoholic, and her parents divorced when she was 8. When she was 15 she was attacked and almost raped. After that she slept in her moms bed for 2 years. She never got therapy for anything that happened to her. In college she had an eating disorder. Weighed 80 lbs. ^ years ago ( 4 years before her cheating) both her parents died within 25 days of each other. She had 2 nervous breakdowns. Again, no treatment, no meds.

She "ended it" one night when I found her not home at 3 am. She was acting weird....aloof in a way but denied any wrong doing. I could not prove anything and it slowly blew over. After I found out the truth I confronted her. She reluctantly told the truth....or agreed rather to the facts I laid out. I had to fight to pull info out of her. She never gave unsolicited info to me. I fought for all of it. btw.....she has an anxiety disorder as well. She has been extremely remorseful and is doing everything right now. Begging me to stay. We are 9 months out now from D day but im in a state of ambivalence. I don't know what to do. I love her but I cant say staying is the right thing to do. I have recently spoken to other women. I feel the need to find out if I should stay with her. Should I? Should I consider her past traumas? She still had free will.... Am I an asshole if I walk? I just need opinions I think. We are in therapy. Therapist thinks we are doing well but I don't know...…..

Well

it was an affair, not an "affair".

None of the circumstances forced her to do any of that.

Nothing of what you have done caused her to cheat.

She made a conscious decision to go ahead.

The question is not "are you an asshole if you leave?"

The question is

"what is acceptable to you in your relationship with your wife"

This "affair" if you want to call it that went on from November2017 to March 2018. They had oral sex 3 times with no intercourse.

Sorry man but an affair for over a year and only oral 3 times?

Cheaters lie a lot. Have her do a polygraph if you want the full truth.

She appears to have deep rooted issues. She needs serious help.

You need some counseling too. To learn how to help her if you decide to stay together. Or get help deciding what you want her to do.

The affair was intermittent. More like hook ups. My wife needed affirmation. I played the two afainst one another and verified what was done, how many times where when etc..... I’m sure of this. There may be small stuff I’m missing but I’m pretty sure I got it all. It was 5 months not a year and she saw him in his truck 8-10 times. Kissing happened several times , oral sex 3. 2 of the times she felt “ wrong” and left. One tine they were at it longer and that is the time she is unsure if he “ finished” ( f ing gross!). I still won’t kiss her.....

There is something nothing in me telling me to leave ( I’m still living with her and have been since I found out. I did this so as not to traumatize the kids. I’m feeling now an urge to leave but I still want her.... love her. At the same time, I feel she is like tainted meat. I feel I may need to move out..... experience other women to see if I need my wife. Remember, I’ve been faithful for decades. I know nothing else and feel I need to see if the grass is greener. It may be?...... maybe not. I feel if I go out.... find myself and date other women I may cone back.....or not

everyone has his personal way of coping with this crap.

But my guess is, that if you now start looking at other women, it would be more honest to finish the marriage, create a clear situation and then start dating.

Think it through for a moment:

You meet someone you like.

Your wife is truly remorseful and wants to put 100% into counselling and rebuilding the marriage .

That’s a recipe for disaster .

Find yourself.

Be happy within your own skin.

Don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness.

What are you really dealing with here?

I don't think she is a safe partner, I think there is more to her story.

I'm guessing you don't even know who she is.

How did you find out?

Again you need to find out what you are dealing with and take into account if she can truly affair proof the marriage?

You might have a bigger problem then this "one time"....

If you want to stay with this women....who really is this person? Her past traumas have a lot to do with who she actually is and what she is capable of.

Is she emotionally healthy enough to risk the chance you are about to take by keeping her around?

There is something in her were she can act one way around her husband and act completely different around her boyfriends...

Even after 29 years she may still have another side you haven't seen...some one she keeps well hidden from her husband.

Maybe you have even seen this person from time to time...a brief second...and she's back to the person you know?

Is she safe enough to help you heal?

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:37 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

One tine they were at it longer and that is the time she is unsure if he “ finished” ( f ing gross!).

Really? She is not sure? Does she think you do not know how human biology works? Kind of hard for a man to fake an orgasm isn’t it? Nope. She knows.

She also knows that a definite “yes he finished and I swallowed, and then continued to see him again” would send you straight to the lawyers office. So her fuzzy memory is, IMO, just standard minimizing. They all lie, either directly or by omission.

I still won’t kiss her....

I wouldn’t kiss her ever again myself.

Sounds like it may be a dealbreaker for you. Emotionally you have one foot out the door. And you have every right to leave. But you feel conflicted about moving on, on account of her past trauma. And who knows how she will handle it. It’s a lot to consider. And it sucks that she has put you into this position.

Can you get her more professional help, maybe get her some medication? If she was more stable would you feel better about divorcing her?

What do the kids know? Are they stable emotionally? Meaning do they show any of you wife’s inclinations toward anxiety?

She’s lying to you.

If a man finishes in your mouth you know. And you definitely know if you swallow it.

She is minimising and it could be they have got their stories straight together.

8 times but only 3 led to more than kissing.

She needs to be honest if you have any chance to fix this

I still won’t kiss her.....

That's a miserable marriage if kissing your wife repulses you.

You're in a tough spot. You asked: "Am I an asshole if I walk?" Nope. But I don't think you are either if you stay with your wife. You're good either way.

You haven't done anything to be ashamed of, keep your chin up.

p.s. you sure you want your name in your signature, not necessary, might be best to remove it.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 3:33 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Please listen to everyone. Your wife is lying. They had full intercourse. You said it yourself.

She reluctantly told the truth....or agreed rather to the facts I laid out. I had to fight to pull info out of her. She never gave unsolicited info to me.

So she just agreed with what you said. She is not remorseful. She is regretful she was found out. Mosr remorseful spouses would admit the full truth. She is afraid to tell you the full truth because she does not want you to leave her, I suspect.

Does she still go play pool? Talk to this friend that went with her, or was that a lie to be with this guy? She would need to end both playing pool and friendship because that person knew and may have encouraged it. She's gone no contact with AP, given you access to phone. Emails, and social media acounts. Including passwords? You have a long journey ahead. If you want to D, that is your right. If you want R, that you need the truth, both need IC, and it takes time to gain trust. But only if you have a spouse that is willing to work and be fully honest.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 4:26 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Live your life for you. Do what feels right.

Buffer

Personally I couldn't stay with her.

Being cheating on with a random stranger is bad enough but with someone HALF your age is a low blow. Especially for a man its emasculating.

Ks,

You say that your WW has been remorseful. Begging you not to leave. So I ask you, what has she done to improve herself? Dig to find the reasons why she cheated more than she needs constant affirmation? What consequences has she faced besides you not kissing her?

From the sounds of what you wrote, thi gs are being rug swept. Now your inner self is conflicted on what you can accept in staying with her.

I'd like to state that you mentioned a few times that your WW has never gone to counseling. Have you made it a requirement to even before you decide to offer her a continued attempt to R, reconcile? And some IC,individual counseling would be good for you in learning how to deal with the trauma you have learned about. Please avoid MC, marriage counseling. Far too many MC are not trained in infidelity and promote rugsweeping of a WS actions to help save M. This often creates the opposite effect, resentment, mistrust, anger , and hate form between the couple often ending a M.

As for you question of wanting to see other woman, please think hard on this one. Yes your WW technology ended your M in a way when she physically engaged with the OM. Do you want to become the same as her by seeing someone else before your M is officially over? Right now you have the moral high ground. If you consciously seek to step outside your marriage, you will even the playing field by coming down to her level. Then how do you think you can steer a possible R attempt?

A major red flag you need to have her address is having to force any truthful information out of her. How is she proving to you that she can be a save spouse if she can not be truthful with you?

There are no easy answers here. Her behavior could be a deal breaker for you. There is nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself. But only you can answer that. I wish you the best and quickest way out of infidelity. Whether with or without her by your side.

I need to clarify a few things

I live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone. We had to move. Still own the house but will rent it

To answer your questions she also had a drinking problem. Not en excuse but it is what it is. She was drunk every time she was with him. So was he. He is a legit drunk

She is absolutely not allowed to go back to that place

She is not allowed to drink anymore

I told her to ditch the friends she drank with and she has

I snooped on every internet or other medium. There is no more communication

I told her she needs to fix her underlying issues. She was unable to communicate with me on a deep level

As for knowing if the guy “came” she said she was so drunk she is not really sure. I agree with you..... how do you not know””. She says even on that third tine she was not doing it long. A few minutes? She said he went faster but stopped. Did not feel anything, taste anything, no other signs he finished. No noise, tensing up etc.....

She is and. Has agreed to meds. She has her own psychotherapist now who has uncovered a lot in her. She is a mess

I can feel her remorse. This is what keeps me here.

I’m a pretty decent looking guy. VERY athletic. Pretty ripped up and have no trouble finding ladies. For what ever it’s worth

Also I need to be honest. My esteem was shattered. I flew to the Ukraine and screwed girls there. One night stands. Helped my esteem ( girls still liked me) but it did not make me feel equals. She had a “connection”. I did not. It was not revenge. I swear to God. I did it to help my destroyed ego. I did not lie to her. I told her what I did

Also ..... a few months ago I had my testosterone level drawn. It was 730. That is higher than the average 20 year old. Sex has never been an issue. I can “do it “ several times a day. I know she did this not for sex. I was not showing her enough praise and attention I’ll admit. I was busy working my ass off for her. No exuse for what she did but she always had trouble talking to me. Scared to talk to me. Her anxiety got in the way. I told her this all needs to be addressed or I’m leaving her. I still may leave her anyway and she knows this

She should have told you what she was feeling instead of seeking attention and praise elsewhere. What type of praise was he offering that made her do what she did? What could he had possibly said that made it ok to give blow jobs to someone? Just does not add up to me. It may be true that she did not do it for sex. Why did she do it? As for you? make your you take care of yourself. Eat, sleep as much as you can. Talk to someone. Does anyone else know about the affair? Have you exposed her to family or friends? Or are you keeping it between you two?

She’s lying to you.

If a man finishes in your mouth you know. And you definitely know if you swallow it.

This ^^^^. Unless she was passed out drunk, she knows.

I was not showing her enough praise and attention I’ll admit. I was busy working my ass off for her

Doesn't matter. And, doesn't matter if she had trouble talking. That's all her problem, not yours. Ypu did not cause her to cheat. Maybe she chose to cheat to try to deal with her issues. She had many other options. Why did she choose that one instead if something healthy? That is all on her.

As to the young women (I hope they weren't truly girls) in Ukraine, I don't know what to say about that. It may have muddied the waters. I guess it depends on how your CW feels about all of it.

Yes, I know she did the wrong thing. Obviously she needed to communicate to me instead of going outside the marriage. Our psychotherapist says her traumas and her dad being a drunk made her not speak openly with me. What she said over and over was “attention “. The “kid” said nice things to get over a very long time. A friendship developed. The compliments kept coming. He presumed her and I confirmed this with others that say it. I’m pissed at her friends who were witnesses and they are prohibited. I will not tolerate them in her life. I told her you can have your friends if you choose but I will leave. She dumped all of them

I’m still heart broken though. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get past this. Even with her doing everything right. Even if I was guaranteed fidelity for life. I told the therapist this...... my wife was like my own personal pool..... clear clean water. I jump in and as I swim across my pool, I see a big turd on the bottom. That turd is the other man. My pool contaminated. The therapist said.... just empty and clean the pool! I don’t know..... I’m hoping time will ease my pain. Get me through but I’m having doubts