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Maybe you are at a state of arrested development due to trauma? You really can't get grow up because you stopped developing in your teen years. Are there other areas of you life where you drop the ball in responsibility? I seen it in medical shows. Adults that literally are stuck at the age of 17 and shit. Can't grow up without some real every day intensive IC. Your abuse might have left you at a state of mentally- a child.

Not sure Zugzwang...feel like accepting that is just making more excuses and looking for a copout if I keep chasing that tail, and that is going to do nothing but hurt my BW more and more. for her and the kids this has to stop.

You sound a lot like my STBXH. I am now wondering if he has undiagnosed ADD. Honestly, I believe he has narcissistic tendencies as well.

Your words will not mean anything. Only your actions of being a better person will mean anything. That, a quick divorce and a generous settlement.

I hope for healing and grace for her. Words can barely describe the gravity of the pain.

OMFG. Wow. Dude. It is ONLY an excuse if you use it as an excuse. The reason why a diagnosis is good because it allows you to find proper treatment.

The fact is, whatever you are doing is not working.

Gmc94 - I thought I was clear when I said that I was talking in relation to the email/spreadsheet issue - the "I want this now, and I get it from you but not this way and I'm going to be upset and angry about it" - that it was irrational. My explanation was directly related to TRAUMA in that I said:

Your BS is angry and hurt and quite honestly likely does not want to be rational.

I know these feelings - distinctly. The fact I did not use the word trauma does not mean in any sense that I ignored that issue (I also said I did not know this person's story so I was only responding to that part of the issue and the comment from the OP that they did not know what to do). My response was: There is likely nothing you can do but keep the course - be kind and gentle and ride it out.

If that is so heartless or whatever then so be it. I see the topic has moved forward since I posted, but yeah, it stresses me out to see that part of it ignored - BSs can be irrational because they are completely muddled inside, and yeah, my response was to tell the OP to continue to be kind (instead of giving up like my WH). I just hate the "here's a 2x4 - this is all your fault and whatever you're perceiving isn't irrational because you caused this to happen" because I think it ignores the underlying premise of "WTF is going on with my BS - she seems irrational and unhappy with whatever I do so I don't know what to do all."

If I missed the point of the post than my apologies to the OP - but I stand by my comments (and yeah, on some level I am not as empathetic to a BS as others I guess - as a BS I've realized I don't walk on water now because I have the moral high ground - and if I behave irrationally, which is something I am in control of, even after 3 d-days, the latter 2 coinciding with over a year of false R, then I have to own that at some point too - I'm not perfect).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:31 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Not sure Zugzwang...feel like accepting that is just making more excuses and looking for a copout if I keep chasing that tail, and that is going to do nothing but hurt my BW more and more. for her and the kids this has to stop.

Do you really want help? Or do you want to put on a show that you are asking for help? Because a person that really wants help and really wants to change would be looking into every avenue and reason to do so. Just saying. You have been saying this needs to stop since the day you got here. We are just giving other suggestions as to why you are incapable of making it happen. Why wouldn't you want to get tested? Unless, you know you don't have those issues and you are just choosing to be plain lazy. Come on man. Make the first step and do something to a path of healing and treatment. It isn't a fucking cop out. Is it a cop out when a kid really can't sit still and focus? Would you allow having some problem like that be a cop out for your child or an actual thing that can be diagnosed and worked with. Jesus, you are even making excuses for getting medical testing and treatment if you had it. Just do it.