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I agree with the porn theory. My husband struggled with maintaining an erection with me once he got heavy into porn use. There is scientific evidence that porn causes ED when in a normal sexual situation. An affair is not a normal sexual situation, it is secretive, much like porn use.

100% this was same for my fWH. Porn use began in his mid 50s at a sabbatical time and was done in secret. ED started soon after.

I believe the porn use also desensitized him to embrace the casual sex hookup world. He distanced himself from me as part of that. Realized all this in hindsight.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:57 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

My WH had ED issues during his A. I believe it was part guilt and definitely part porn usage. He doesn't have any issues now and he didn't previous to the A.

I tell him often that I must let off some kind of hormone or pheremone that acts against his own hormones, causing him to be unable to perform. And in my utter humiliation and horror of this whole nightmare, we see now that it is true. It is me.

No, it is not you - at all.

I don’t know you, your personality, or what you look like.

I can still guarantee you, though, that there are thousands and thousands and thousands of healthy-minded men that would have the desire and be more than willing and able to perform sexually with you.

I can also guarantee you that he would be having the same issues with any other woman that he had married.

You are not the problem that he has.

You are not the reason for his ED.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 6:04 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

keptmyword: Thank you for these kind words. And everyone here, for your kind words. In my head I know this is true. But still, what a hit to a girl's morale, self-esteem and confidence all the same.

PS... And I'm still wondering if anyone might have an idea if magazine/print pornography would cause ED, the way video porn does.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 6:21 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

I agree with what cancuncrushed, whattheh, and keptmyword have said. And if his ability to perform is reliant on sex needing to be illicit (porn, affair, etc.), he will eventually tire of an affair partner, given that he doesn't get to cake eat. No AP can keep that draw for him permanently. Broken brains aren't fixed by the type of poison that broke them in the first place. Don't compare yourself to poison.

IF he indeed needs to bond emotionally with the person in order to overcome ED, having to live a real life outside of affair lalaland would reveal the weakness of that bond eventually. He liked and loved you enough to marry you. That was HIS CHOICE. This is not about you, though it affects you so deeply, which isn't fair. I suspect you are stronger than you think and can be happy again, no matter what he does from here on out.

I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure porn addiction could start with magazine images. Why couldn't it? I highly doubt it would stay there, though. Generally porn addiction escalates as the addict becomes desensitized, so I would bet serious money that he would seek out online stuff eventually (I can't give you a timeline) or escalate to physical contact...happy ending, prostitutes, one night stand, etc.. There is plenty of free stuff out there online, even 10+ yrs ago, and so many ways to hide it in more recent years. Buy a cheap smartphone for $40 and not activate it but hook it up to wifi--which is free at so many places like Starbucks, McDonalds, etc.--and no paper trail. Same goes with affair partner communication. I don't know what is going on in his life, but as others have said, be prepared that there could be more ahead to uncover. I KNOW how hard it is not to compare yourself to the object(s) of his lust, but I promise you it is NOT about you. I had to internalize this same concept. You could be a Harvard educated supermodel (and for all we know, you are), and he would still have done this. IT. IS. NOT. YOU.

He may be lying about his willie working fine when he’s with her..

A good look at your finances may reveal he was “ paying her” to be his mistress..

Anyway, what a cruel thing to say to you!

Something I would not be able to reconcile..

Those of you here who are/were married to secret porn addicts, what symptoms and behaviors did you see besides ED?

Lack of sleep. Hiding. Being protective of computerusage/passwords.

Generally porn addiction escalates as the addict becomes desensitized, so I would bet serious money that he would seek out online stuff eventually (I can't give you a timeline) or escalate to physical contact...happy ending, prostitutes, one night stand, etc..

^^^^^This^^^^^^

I’m a guy and was cheated on by my wife. Strange things happened to me after DD. after a few days of pure pain I was hyper sexual. 12 times in 16 hours. We normally did it 2 times a week but she could not keep up with my needs here. She strayed for other reasons ( attention and affirmation). Then it tailed off. My wife only did oral with the OM so I still won’t kiss her. Sex for me is only oral for now with occasional intercourse. Very odd behavior on my part. I know there is a psychological reason. I think I am desensitizing myself

“ she gave oral..... well I’m going to give her a shit load of oral. Sometimes I’m doing it 5 -7 times a day.

Is, it's called hysterical bonding and is normal.

If his ED were from some illness (vlood pressure and stuff like that) cialis would probably have helped. But it seems he is wired to enjoy the tension from ilicit relations and similar stuff.

I'm so sorry, OP. The problem was never you or your beauty or aanything. He has his own deamons.

Thia kind of stuff ia becoming so common in people from my generation (im 30) and younger.