SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have had Imago marriage counselling just prior to me finding out 3 months ago that my wife had a PA/EA affair (there was one physical encounter). The affair was over when I found out, and I found out through anonymous emails which forced her to come clean. The Imago counselling was great for opening up the lines of communication and I also realised I brought a lot of baggage into the relationship (child abandonment issues) which lead to the breakdown of the marriage.

I never told my wife about my childhood issues until d day. She has come to see me in a new light and wants to reconcile. Since then, both my wife and I have had individual counselling to address our issues which lead to the breakdown. We now want to do combined counselling to address the affair. I don’t think the imago marriage councillor can offer much else, and the therapist I saw (who previously did marriage counselling) suggested someone who was trained using Gottman Method Relationship Therapy.

Has anyone had any experience with a councillor with Gottman training, and if so, how did you find it? Did it help heal both yourself and WS?, and was it successful?

Me: BS, 49 M

Her: WS 53 F

M: 22 years

EA: 2 years (online)

2 children (14, 19)

Currently working to reconcile

I brought a lot of baggage into the relationship (child abandonment issues) which lead to the breakdown of the marriage.

please don't take any responsibility for her affair.

Hi Sewardak, agreed. I made it quite clear to hear that the affair is on her and her alone and I did not force her into it. I still belive she is still justifing the affair due to breakdown on marriage. I am hoping that MC will help her to understand that affair was due to her shortcomings and for her to own it so she can heal as well.

I had a gottman trained MC for a couple of months after dday. In most ways it was awful. The biggest issue I had was that it was quite clear that my WH was lying through his teeth - and the MC would not allow me to challenge the truth of his bullshite. It was very frustrating.

Now, my WH and I had not done any MC before dday, and our communication was for shit (still is), and I suspect that would make a difference in the helpfulness of MC right after dday.

I still belive she is still justifing the affair due to breakdown on marriage. I am hoping that MC will help her to understand that affair was due to her shortcomings and for her to own it so she can heal as well.

Maybe I'm just dense/jaded by my own experience, but I think many/most MC would not necessarily see leading your WW these understandings as their role. IME, and from what I've read on SI, most MC have a real danger of perpetuating what you've already said- that your actions and the breakdown of the M had something to do with her CHOICE to have an A. You were in the same M and did not make that choice. Folks have different beliefs about whether problems in the M were somehow catalysts for the A or made the WS "vulnerable" to an A (and I personally find the the term 'vulnerable' WRT the choice to lie and deceive someone you supposedly "love" to be offensive). Because my WH is a repeat offender with women before me, and had a very long LTA, I know that my perspective is probably different than those dealing with the 'run of the mill' single time, reasonably short term A, but I think that 'vulnerability' stuff is a load of malarkey, and most people who cheat always had it in them. Probably harsh, but that's how I see it.

Another thought: trying to find an MC or IC for her to "get it" is trying to control something you simply CANNOT control. Either she wants to dig in and figure it out or she doesn't... or worse she (like my own WH) wants to scratch the surface just enough to keep you around, hoping that they will never have to do any of the hard work to fix their shit (and, unfortunately, all too happy watching their BS suffer without any support from the one person they THOUGHT they could count on to help them through thick & thin).

I think the Imago training will be super helpful IF she can figure out how to drive the bus to understand the damage, become empathetic, and then fix the broken things within her (NONE of which have anything to do with you or your behavior during the M).

Godspeed.

Well, while I liked our Gottman therapist, she was NOT a good MC for infidelity. She never asked my WH if he had been honest, never discussed disclosure, didn't have experience/advice about triggers, etc. Instead, we focused quite a bit on communication. And honestly, WH and I are. FABULOUS communicators today. But for two years (one of those in MC with her and 1.5 in IC with 3 different therapist) he lied to my face about sleeping with his AP. Once that came out our MC STILL didn't do much but talk to us about communication. Gottman is great, but not IMO for trauma or huge issues. Kinda like physical therapy after an injury - NOT the ER, surgery and hospital stay!

We didn't do a Gottman therapist, but we did go to one of their weekend retreats somewhere near the beginning of year two.

One thing that I will caution you on, from a wayward perspective is it takes a long time for a wayward to identify their reasons for the affair, to go back to FOO and look at some of the roots of what formed them, figure out ways of thinking that aren't helping, and start fixing the things that were the whys to begin with. Going to marriage counseling too prematurely can sometimes be a problem for some people. I have seen others it worked fine for, but it really depends on your situation.

I was in IC for all of year one, somewhere near the end of that year we started marriage counseling when it seemed like I had done enough work for us to actually start addressing our marriage.

As for Gottman, the retreat was really good, it got us talking and reconnecting. But, they do have some philosophies about affairs being a product of the relationship. I don't think that's at all true. I think an affair is a result of a WS issues on their own as there are lots of other productive things you can do when you are unhappy. They have good relationship and conflict resolution skills they teach, but like the others said don't take responsibility for your spouses affair.

Are you guys in IC? I'd start there. Stop the MC for now as that focuses on the relationship. You both have individual issues you need to focus on before you can take care of anything relating to anyone else.

Are you guys in IC? I'd start there. Stop the MC for now as that focuses on the relationship. You both have individual issues you need to focus on before you can take care of anything relating to anyone else.

This.