So, I'm only a month out from d-day, and feel that I still really need support, and advice, and to hear other people's stories.
But I'm also fairly committed to staying with him, provided he continues to give me what I need. He has started IC, and I am about to. We're holding off on MC until we get a little further with IC, but I expect to start that in the next few months.
At some point, if I feel like we're making progress, I don't think being actively engaged with SI will be healthy for me. I don't expect it to ever completely "go away" - there will likely always be triggers for me, and stray thoughts. But coming on here, while helpful in many ways, also serves as a more constant reminder than I would want if we're doing well. Part of doing well, for me, will be getting to the point where I DON'T think about it very often.
Everyone's needs are different, and those who truly don't feel healed a year, or two years, or four years out probably do still need this support. But for me, if I'm still struggling that far out, it will be a sign that it's time to leave. I'm not going to waste the rest of my life on healing from this. Either I do, and move on to a new phase together, or I don't, and I move on alone. Which will be a fresh wound, and a new round of healing of itself, but I won't let this episode of my life define me (or even be the primary factor defining our marriage), in the way that I think some people who are still on here after very extended periods of time do. No judgment to them, just not for me.