SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JS84,

Just a confession timeline. It doesn't really

matter in my state. I don't have millions at stake for me to need to file an At Fault divorce. It would be very cost prohibitive for me to pursue it. Hell, I had to take money out of my retirement in order to pay the retainer fee.

3rdStrike,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, were here for you. Our situations are so similar. I've often felt like a doormat and catered to her every need. Nothing is good enough, she is never content. She uses tears effectively, always able to appeal to my emotions and appear as a victim or blame outside factors on why she does things she does. Its difficult to block yourself from wanting to help but I hope you stay strong and focus on yourself right now.

She should also focus on her own problems instead of trying to convince you shes doing the work. There's no shortcuts to reconciling.

JS84,

Just a confession timeline. It doesn't really

matter in my state. I don't have millions at stake for me to need to file an At Fault divorce. It would be very cost prohibitive for me to pursue it. Hell, I had to take money out of my retirement in order to pay the retainer fee.

I didn't really mean to use for legal or divorce purposes. I meant more along the lines of if she starts blaming you for the divorce/bad mouthing you to your children, in-laws, acquaintances, etc do you have any texts, pics, emails, etc or something along those lines that can refute her claims.

And sorry not sure if it was mentioned in this thread but how many people know about what your wife did?

[This message edited by JS84 at 1:14 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

JS84,

The only thing I have is her timeline that answers specific questions I asked her. It's all in emails we sent back and forth. I could have all of the proof in the world and she will still flail around in a panic to protect herself.

I did everything wrong in the beginning so the only family member that knows is my younger brother.

I didnt find this site until very late so I didnt out her to everybody like I should have. My sister and her husband will have my back when it all comes out. My best friend, everyone in my office and my chain of command are aware of my situation.

As far as my kids are concerned, that's one of those ugly situations that are going to have to play out. I'm not trying to protect them from the truth but I also don't want to fuck up their young minds with my interpretation of the truth. Consistency of character and actions is the best way I can protect myself from any dumb shit she might say to my daughters. A gentle truth is my goal, not the brutal truth. I will handle it if she decides to get ugly.

I’ve seen this play out to many times.

Tell them the plain sanitized truth.

Kids can handle the truth and may know more than you think.

They aren’t stupid.

A friend of mine on here did the eggshell walk and regretted it a lot afterwards.

Don’t be him.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:11 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

3rdstrike

This from someone who grew older in a poisonous home environment

I knew both parents were capable of teaching alley cats mating lessons. It sucks when you haven't reached puberty and can see that "mommee & daddee" are "with other persons of the opposite sex" even though you don't know all that such liaison implies.

Teenagers? They KNOW what has been going on - or the very least are all but certain something really serious is going down.

Unless they hate both of you - they will be sad, more than likely very sad and also ANGRY!

Dissolution of the marriage/home is a HUGE change for them bringing a forced on them new experience that is, at the least, very unpleasant.

Both DD are dependent on you and wife to provide them a living environment without strife and unknown future. Starting a divorce is to destroy that environment.

I am not intending you to be shamed into any action for which you have decided you must execute. Whatever path you follow - it is your choice to make.

What I suggest is to separate, yes start the divorce proceedings, but note that final decree is is somewhere in the future. See what passage of time does to your memories and thoughts. With enough passage of time, the pain will soften.

I went looking for your "story" and found it (yay Google) and you posted that you were pretty much a total loser for 4 years (my choice of words for what you wrote) and also emotionally removed from being a father for longer - way longer.

After reading your earlier post, I am thinking your wife has lost respect for you as WELL AS love. Stop and think, WHO likes an alcoholic?

Well, drinking buddies!! aka another alcoholic.

She is (in a bad way or choice of words) asking you to stay and I am guessing "for the DDs" and maybe hoping the spark that brought you two together years ago can be rekindled.

BOTH OF YOU have a ton of SXXXy memories to learn to live with before that can happen.

Consider also you are tied to her in some way by your two DDs for life.

You will NEVER be able to stifle the memories.

You will learn to live with them or die trying.

Keep in mind everything you do that the two DDs can see is a memory for them - for life.

Tell the DDs what you intend to do with as gentle words you can muster - but tell them the truth.

"Take from my words anything that may help and toss any that with which you disagree."

peace

Hippo16, Thank you for taking the time to write down your perspective. My full intention is to tell the DD's a sanitized truth. My WW will be tooooootally against it. I don't know how poorly she will react if/when I put my foot down. Nobody else in the family knows either. My demand is for her to prove she is "owning" her affair by her telling the truth to everyone. Obviously with me present.

It seems as though part of your message to me was to keep my options open to reconciliation during the separation. I had a lot of hope for 18 months after D-Day. She was vicious and awful the entire time. She didn't change her tune until after I'd told her I had enough. Despite the fact that there have been several red flags for almost the entire 25 yrs. Too many stories for me to care to explain. I rugswept all of them and took the abuse and bull shit explainations that followed my concerns or accusations.

I'm almost two years out and I've done a pretty damn good job at learning how to live with the pain and trauma. They still linger but I keep them in a metaphorical jar on a shelf. They pop out once in a while, I let the feelings simmer long enough to stretch their legs then put them back inside.

I still love my wife very much and I work really hard at looking at her as a kind and loving person...because she is. She is also a very damaged person with some really fucked up and broken tendencies. She still can't own her faults without justifying and shifting blame. She also won't even consider the most simple and basic requirements to rebuild my trust. Not even one. I won't live my life like that any more.

My demand is for her to prove she is "owning" her affair by her telling the truth to everyone

Probably won’t happen. You’re just setting yourself up for more disappointment.

You don’t need her.

Marz,

Oh I know it won't happen. I'll be more apt to shit my britches in surprise if it did happen.

I've actually learned to not set expectations on anyone unless it's work related. It was a tough lesson to learn but easy to implement after enough practice.

Plus, sometimes I type stuff out just to hear myself laugh...or maybe to get other perspectives to let me know how ridiculous something is that I wrote.