SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t regret leaving my DH at all. I wish I would have left at the 5 year mark. I waited another 10 years believing his empty promises and i hate that I wasted a DECADE. You’ve got your business that you built with your hard work. Protect yourself and divorce now. If he does end up doing the work, you can always remarry later.

Since he’s not showing he is committed to R, please please see lawyers to protect your business and your future. NOW. Maybe....maybe... he will he will pull his head out of his ass and make the effort to fix his brokenness. Until then you MUST protect yourself. Divorce now. If he does the work, you can get back together.

His A was so flipping intentional. It will take a LONG time for him to fix his shit. Please protect yourself now.

I don't regret leaving my cheater the second time. What I regret is giving him a chance and moving back home the first time. I left my exwh the first time and stupidly believed all his "words" of regret which I thought was remorse. A month after I took him back he started cheating with a neighbor and started showing me who he really was. I was very ill and scared to leave but I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Make a list of all the things he has done to you (including stupid statements like "one mistake") and put it on your refrigerator. Look at it every time you doubt your decision to leave him. You will start adding to it and realize that you did the right thing.

It's hard to leave but when they show you who they are you have to believe them. He is just waiting for you to get over it so he can find his next side chick.

Pinkivy, something you wrote jumped out at me so clearly. Go back and zero in on this part of your post:

Infidelity was rampant in my family and being traumatized from seeing this at a young age, I've made it clear since my husband and I were dating that being fully committed to someone who is living a double life is my biggest fear and something I won't tolerate.

Now I'm at a point where I don't know whether to enforce this boundary or forgive him and try to make it work. While what he did is inexcusable, I understand that

Notice how in that last phrase, you are starting to try talking yourself INTO accepting any rationale that might make staying with him acceptable to you - when it truly isn't? This is an example of the kind of Cognitive Dissonance we BS go through, especially at first, when we are in shock. So please, listen to your longest-held principles.

File for divorce. It gives you the power to decide your future without forfeiting your business. Then, after you're divorced you can decide if you want to date a (former?) cheater or if you want to shop around a little instead. Take your life back before it's too late. Divorce doesn't have to be the end. Take care of yourself.

I married at 33 after dating for 12 years. I had my first child at 35.

You have time to be a mom. Becoming a mom with the wrong father is something I regret. When I should have been completely basking in my children, I was dwelling on his infidelity and continued lies.

Over time here, I saw the difference between those waywards fit for reconciliation and those not. Seeing the difference may help you make your decision.

It appears to me that those who are separated or divorced left because their waywards weren't doing the work.

I’d wager you would find a great deal more of those that regret staying than those that regret leaving...just saying

If I had a chance to do it all again, I would have dropped his was on d-day #1 rather than go through 2 more years of hell.

Another vote for the 'sooo wish I would have left sooner' category!!!

I would proceed with a D. There are so many things in your post that are concerns to me. Mainly - he should have been working his butt off like his life depending on it while giving you your space to process and decide.

He knew your family history and still did this to you, he repeatedly lied about it, he has made little effort, he hasn't done minimal effort with the IC on his side, etc.

You deserve better!!!! Please keep up all your work with your IC so you can deal with your childhood issues, etc. You want to make sure you work through everything (regardless of what you decide to do about the M) to become a healthy and happy person for a great future!

I am so sorry you are hear and going through this. Sending you strength!

I wish I had known at my 4.5 year mark in my marriage what I know now. Although STBXWH didn't cheat for many years of our marriage (to my knowledge), our relationship wasn't "right" and I deserved more.

You are so young and I will tell you what I would tell my sons. RUN, don't walk! If he is doing this so early in your marriage AND not doing the work for R, he's showing you that it doesn't mean enough to him. YOU don't mean enough.

Protect yourself and your business and go on with the wonderful life you deserve. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't be on OLD sites.

OH, this post!!! I love it.

I will give you a glimpse of your future: I caught my WH cheating back in 2015, with a lot of boundary pushing with flirting and women before that. After catching him, he BEGGED me to stay. Even did *some* of the work. Went to several months of MC (but no IC), stopped drinking all together. Started helping more as a partner in life, with house and kids. We had two small children, so I stayed. I wanted so desperately to keep our family together.

Fast forward to now. We now have THREE kids, one who is only 2. We just built and moved into a new house last year. And I just found out that since August, he has: slept with a 27 yo girl he worked with at a work conference (then again back at home). Then when that ended, he reached out to an old coworker on LinkedIn to “go to lunch”, and started an emotional affair with her and has “fallen in love with her”. Even if I was willing to stay (I’m not), he doesn’t want to even work on things. He has turned his back on his family and walked away.

So what are my regrets??:

-marrying and having kids with someone so disordered and broken (to clarify- I do NOT regret my kids. Just wish they were my same kids with someone else!!!)

-paying off thousands in debt for him in the beginning of our marriage (incurred through sheer irresponsibility)

-staying after the 2015 cheating

-taking care of him so completely over the years, while he sh1t all over me

Get the divorce. As many have said- it’s protection. If he really wants to be with you and do the work, a divorce shouldn’t atop him.

One thing that helped me to make better choices for myself - if he decides to do the work and we can work things out, we can get married again

I understand you want kids so time matters more, but this is so true. He needs to do the work not you. Unless they do the work they will cheat again. Most of us in this forum are on our second round of cheating... It doesn't feel any better the second time around I have to admit...!!! It sucks life out of ya...

You have time to be a mom. Becoming a mom with the wrong father is something I regret. When I should have been completely basking in my children, I was dwelling on his infidelity and continued lies.

Omg yes I posted about this years ago but this is what keeps me up at night. That I lost REALLY special years with my children because of the trauma of infidelity. It is also the main reason I will never forgive STBX. My kids are teenagers now and mostly grown.

I have no regrets with my decision to leave. I wish I never met him and am sorry he is my children's father.

This will always be a hard decision regardless of how remorseful or shitty your spouse is. We'll never really know the outcome of our choices, a thought to ponder is, what can you live with?

I was left for the AP after 3 months of him crying not to separate. Multiple betrayals and abandonment is like the perfect combination of ultimate rejection. You can never prepare, but know there is a chance. I struggle daily that I gave him the chance to do the 'choice'. DDay2 and its after effects damaged me beyond I can imagine, but here's the thing. When I look back, do I regret staying after Dday1? I somehow don't. I tried and fought for our marriage. Now that's just me, I know I couldn't live with the what if of not having tried. You can leave at any point even right after discovery and you will still be right to do so. I was lucky it only took him 3 months to show true colors. Will I be singing a different tune should it have been years? Maybe or maybe not.

Was there something I wish I did? Sometimes I wish I did not confront him immediately and gathered more evidence to support my case.

Something will happen, good or bad, with whatever decision you choose. You just need to find the silver lining. I also agree with below:

One thing that helped me to make better choices for myself - if he decides to do the work and we can work things out, we can get married again.

This has always been my PoV. Maybe you'll both be completely two different persons after years and able to work it out. Because who knows, really? But for now, let each be free to try and live the best life without the shackles of a painful marriage.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 8:29 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

I regret not leaving him sooner!!!