SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ShatteredSakura,

Yeah, it was a huge relief. It's not like it fixes anything, and I know that if he still wanted to sneak around, he could, but it's a step in the right direction.

Hopeful30,

He unlocked it. He didn't give me the password but I didn't ask. He said he'd give me access to it any time I ask. We'll see if that holds up.

Hurtbeyondtime,

I'm sorry to hear your story and that your husband betrayed you and then betrayed your forgiveness after he'd already seen how much he hurt you. I can't even imagine what that feels like.

I totally understand everything you're saying and the need to know for sure what's going on. And I know it sounds stupid that I can't bring myself to spy on my husband at this point, but that's where I'm at.

Maybe you're right and that it's that I am afraid of finding out more; I don't know. I feel like what I already know has killed me as it is. I'm not sure I can handle more.

In all of the excitement of telling my new IC my story I didn't even ask her about her advice on the VAR or polygraph, but I will the next time I'm there.

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Thank you all for your support and wisdom. I appreciate all of you. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, and it means a lot to me that you guys are listening!

Betrayal is devastating and I am still trying to get over the consequences of his betrayal 22 years later... Counseling helps...

Are you sure it was only an emotional affair?

I heard that for 6 months. As it turned out both of my wife's affairs were actually physical. It just took a long time to find out.

As for EAs aren't as serious...that's bull.

Even if they were "just" EAs if the consequences weren't severe, if the WS doesn't see the damage they have caused, what is to prevent them from a physical affair in the future? Attitude is everything here. If the WS has a non-chalant attitude about it all, you may be in for more heartbreak in the future.

Don’t think of a VAR as spying. Change your perspective to investigating. Do we think poorly of police officers who tap phones to catch criminals? How about the neighbour who sets up a nest cam to determine who’s vandalizing his property? Nanny cams to determine if a child’s bruises are accidental or abuse?

Infidelity is abuse - emotionally, psychologically, and physically if unprotected sex is involved. You have the right to prevent further abuse - you have a right to NOT get HiV, HPV or herpes if it was a physical affair. You have a right to protect your assets and finances since affairs often have a financial infidelity aspect. Like most WS’s your husband has demonstrated the ability and propensity to lie and hide truth that deeply affects your life and safety.

I investigated the crap out of my WH after I learned of the EA. It was only after a consistent and extended period of finding nothing suspicious that I was able to begin to trust him again. Every time you look and find nothing - he is where he says and doing what he’s supposed to - it’s another coin in the trust bank.

Interestky, my WH found out I had secretly installed the findmyiphone app on his phone 6 weeks post dday. He couldn’t wait to get to our MC and “tattle” on me. LOL He announced proudly “here’s what she’s done - a little excessive don’t you think?” And then he sat back waiting for my scolding! My MC said “Perfectly reasonable. You’ve demonstrated a refined and practiced ability to lie and deceive. How else is she to know she is safe?”

Also - my investigations were never an attempt to prevent further cheating. That wasn’t my biggest fear. My biggest fear was him cheating and I’m left clueless and powerless again. Give that some thought.