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I wouldnt let him back in. Every time I would even consider it, I'd remember these words...

He said no.

He said no...... you can say no too.

I hope you can find a peaceful way to move forward. Wishing you the best.

I'm sorry you are in this position, Tallgirl.

It seems to me that if he has until the end of May to find a place to live he should be able to do so. It looks like he is just going for the easiest solution for him and using the current situation to justify why he is unable to do anything different.

Hang in there. You've been strong. Stay strong. It's all been about his selfish and independent decisions so far. Let him make some that aren't selfish.

It seems to me that if he has until the end of May to find a place to live he should be able to do so. It looks like he is just going for the easiest solution for him and using the current situation to justify why he is unable to do anything different.

THIS^^^

Tallgirl I'm sorry I haven't been on for a few days and missed your post. I'm so sorry for this.

I feel you, on so many levels - I mean, I'm having my wine and chips while I am typing - sorry I can't share with you.

What a horrible time for you to have to deal with this crap. We are trying to move toward getting away from toxic and the COVID is making everything so much worse.

I know it will be so hard to be neutral. I don't know what you decided but if you have to have him there, try hard to pretend he doesn't exist. He's a passing guest at the hotel you're staying at. IDK, easy for me to say - I am still very weak with it all - something happened today and for the first time I am enforcing not sleeping in the same bed - trying to move from soft 180 to hard (see my post when you have time).

This shit is exhausting.

But you are my hero, a few steps ahead of me.. I'm rooting for you! Since it's been a few days since you posted I'm wondering the status.

I had a counselling session last night. I was so drained I slept through the night. A small blessing.

She asked me why I saved him? Why I didn’t let him own his own problem? And like you all, reminded me he said no.

She also told me the same as you. Let him figure it out. He said no. Saving him won’t change that.

So I am listening to you. I will text him and ask how the search is going. I will give him his problem back.

Apparently this Mechanism to help or save people is automatic for me. I learned it a long while ago subconsciously because it feels good to help others.

So I am now going to save myself. With help.

I hope you all will keep helping me. I need it.

Thank you SI friends

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:34 AM, April 8th (Wednesday)]

Text sent. I couldn’t call.

TG - your last post was just so brilliant.

Yes yes and more yes.

He is his own problem. Say to self. Repeat. Even if you were to give him the fluffy place to land for a spell, what does that really do for him? But most importantly, it does nothing for you. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Except pour salt in the wound. (And remind him that you'll always have his back no matter what he does).

I know how tiring this is - it makes you feel like you're contradicting your internal nature. But remember - we are to be generous to generous people. Or nice to nice people. Or however you want to say it. So see - you're not really in conflict with your internal narrative of kindness if you describe it fully.

And remember your strength - HE left you with a mess to figure out all on your own and you know what - you've been working hard to do just that. He's the weakling. You are mighty!

It sounds like Tallgirl will rise to the occasion.

Bravo!!!!!!

I am so happy to see your last post, Tallgirl. You will make it! In two months you're going to be sitting in your peaceful house, looking back at these posts, and seeing exactly how strong you are.

Great job Tallgirl it is the small victories that are really BIG!!

BTW I don't remember if I recommended it or not but you should read "Women Who Love too Much". I think you will find very enlightening information in there that will help you understand your need to help and how to strengthen for that.

((hugs))

Well done, TG! And texting is good— harder to fall for his baloney by text.

(At least for me it was much better in writing).

THis is hard, and you should be proud of yourself. You are doing great.

Thank you so much for your support!! he responded that he will look again for a place.

I didn’t text him today. And I managed to feel calm all day. No tears. Day 1.

I am so glad that you are becoming stronger. It takes a lot of strength and courage to draw your boundaries around yourself. This is a natural tendency for me too. I still have to pull back sometimes and remind myself that it is a one way street. I am caring and am a caretaker and concerned empathetic person by nature which means that is my default response. When I look at him....I realize it always flows one way and I have to stop and say no.

He chose to leave. Lock you doors and take care of the kids and yourself. Let him live with his choice.

I had my third counselling session.

I am starting to understand why I am having trouble letting go.

I am also seeing that while my husband said he wanted an equal relationship,he didn’t. he really wanted a relationship where I made him feel good.

Where it counted, when it counted. He was about himself.

His cheating was for both these reasons. I didn’t make him feel good anymore, and he needed someone to do that for him.

I knew this but I am starting to see the dysfunction in examples

Of course he called last night, chatting like normal.

He is still not getting it. He said no. I told him that I couldn’t hear his voice. It does stir up yearning.

Call ended.

New boundary

It is impossible to get unstuck from a painful situation until we realize our own lack of boundaries; we tend to focus on their pushing against our boundaries instead. "He did this!" Or "He wants that!" The thing is, selfish people don't care about what is best for us. It is our job to say No to them, "No, it's not ok for you to do this, say this, act this way." And for lots of FOO reasons, this can be very hard; but it will be the greatest gift you ever give yourself, Tallgirl. It has been for me.

P.S. You are doing great.

He still hasn’t found a place.

Not my problem, not my problem, not my problem.

He came to the house tonight. After zooming the boys. Didn’t know. Why did he tell me?

He is coming to see the boys tomorrow on his birthday. I am leaving.

Fuck. I am getting anxious.

Good job. No reason for you to see him.

This is you controlling you.

Rings are off.

Fittingly it looks like I am wearing imaginary rings. Like most of my marriage.

You need to 180 STAT. After reading all your post, I would agree that you need to let him deal with his own shitty decisions.

BUT you need to stop taking his calls. There is no reason for that. Additionally, you need to stop answering his text quickly. Give it some time, like 1-2 hrs before responding to him. And when you do respond, give him one response and take another 1-2 hrs to respond to his next question or comment if you need to at all. You're keeping yourself in this.

Don't let him back into the house. Its his fucken problem, stop saving him.

Another good thing to do is probably change his name in your phone, to something like "He Cheated on your and mistreats you" so that when you see that its him, it reminds you not to so quickly answer and respond. Its just not needed if you are trying to move forward.

Keep going TG, it might be tough, but its a learned behavior. Once you have 180 down, you will start to feel a lot better. Let the hopium die along with your marriage. Its done

Trying day. Got 2 texts. He is coming by today to work on the grass. The boys can help him. I will stay inside.

Have to work anyway.

Why does he not know that I’d rather the grass die.