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I know the BS needs to know the whole truth. I am working on the timeline of the affair. Unfortunately most of the affair was in a drunk black hole state. I have read through the different forums on how to put events, times, pictures, etc., in order in a document. I'm working through it and that advice is very helpful. I still have some flashbacks that I can't place a time too. I know they happened but it's a blur of time of year or how long ago. This is the worst thing I have ever had to do. I am in utter shock on how dark I am. The other realization is that the affair went on longer than I thought and I'm scared to death of revealing more and sending the BS to yet another D-Day. But it has to be done and I have nothing else to lose. The one person I can talk to about making me feel better is the person I hurt. I am so angry at myself and so sad and when I look at it from reverse I would leave me too but I want the BS back. I want us to have some sense of "closure". I hate our roommate status but have no choice and it's all my fault. I'm not sure I have a question, I think I'm just looking for some solace to ease my tears. Although I guess that is my punishment - I did this. Thank you for listening.

I so understand your fear. I had to conquer fear after fear and this was some of the hardest shit I've ever had to do.

I remember just a couple days after dday, learning how the truth is the only way forward. Well, I had some big truths still to tell. I worked myself into a complete panic pacing my kitchen floor, talking myself in and out of being honest.

I finally had enough of myself and said fuck it (literally). I called his name and as soon as he turned the corner I made myself blurt out "there's more". By doing that I gave myself only one choice.

This is hard stuff. And when you are on the right path here, you'll soon find out it only gets harder and scarier. That's not to discourage you, rather though to encourage you to find strength and face these fears. Because its worth it once you get through the storm. Trust me.

((Trouble))

I remember that moment where all the deceit I employed, including the lies I told myself, imploded as I wrote everything down. You're right, there is no way around it, you have to tell him everything. But the darkness is real, and it's scary as hell.

Just wanted you to know you've been heard by someone who has been there and survived writing it, and whose BS survived reading it. There's light on the other side.

TroubleNConfused,

Writing my timeline helped me to see what really terrible choices I made and it reminded me of some interactions with men that I had all but forgotten.

When I remembered something I hadn't revealed to my H, it made me feel terrible and I knew it would be very hurtful to him. Sometimes more than one memory came at a time. In order to find the courage to tell him what I hadn't before, I started by saying (for example) "I have three things I want to tell you." Sometimes, I asked him to not say anything until I was done. This helped me to follow through.

The things I've revealed have shown my H a more complete picture of my personality defects.

For instance, I told him that I took a book that we had both read and gave it to a science teacher from whom I was taking a class. I was seeking attention by doing that. I didn't tell my H at the time that I was giving him the book. I was sneaky.

So, this incident shows my H that I was seeking validation and that I was underhanded.

This is an example of how you can reveal that "darkness" to him. I know it's hard. You'll see parts of yourself that you haven't had the courage to confront before.

I wish you the best.

Trouble,

It's my opinion that this is where you need to spend your time and energy right now, in writing a timeline. That's how you'll be able to remember things that help your husband to see the real you. What do you think of the posts made on this thread so far? Is it helpful?

Thank you for the advice and listening. I have completed the timeline and sent it over to our MC. We have our couple's session tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm more scared about all the truth's coming out or that fact that I lied about more than I thought. It was truly a deep look into my soul and I hate myself even more now. I feel like tomorrow is judgment day. I hope he doesn't just give up on us.

Take a deep breath. Maybe another if you need to. Just know, and accept this was your one true way forward. Yeah, I'm sure you are contemplating many different outcomes, all of them, well... less than desirable.

It's okay to be scared, the unknown is quite frightening. But, this is not the time to let your fear take you into self protection mode and cope in unhealthy ways.

Fear is one of the most uncomfortable emotions experienced. Best piece of advice I received here was to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It takes time and believe me I struggled greatly. But that eventually serves you too when you take on yourself.

You have already been brave, not too many willingly give honesty.

Good luck tomorrow, we will be here for you if you need us.

Truble,

Be brave and recognize that you're doing the best thing for him by telling him the truth about his life so that he can make decisions based on what's really happened to him.

It'll take a long time to get to why you did those things and how you lied to yourself in order to hurt your BS. Take heart in that you're getting it out in the open.

I lied for years about many things that my BS had every right to know and it hurts him every day. Give your BS the gift of truth.

It's out. Now time is standing still. He is walking through the house ignoring me - so angry. Thank you for the support.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:36 AM, May 15th (Friday)]