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This is so damned true DevastatedDee ^^^. My wonderful SO of almost 3 years doesn't get it but then why would she as her marriage didn't end due to cheating. She's sad that I could be so cynical. I prefer to call it realism, gained as a result of my own crappy experience.

My XW's infidelity destroyed an 'innocence' (call it naivety!) in me that I can never get back. However maybe that's made me an emotionally wiser individual? I don't know.

I often wish prospective cheaters were able to read some of these threads before they realise the utter devastation their choices were about to unleash on the unknowing partner they profess to love.

I think we're both wiser and less naive AND lost something of incalculable value. It's kind of like how we don't think about how vulnerable we are on this planet, about how a meteor or a solar blast could take us out and there's nothing we could do about it. How we don't think all the time about how easily we could die from a million different things at every moment. If we did, we wouldn't be able to enjoy life. We have to live in a certain amount of denial to really embrace joy. It's innocence and naivete, but it's also kind of necessary for our mental health.

So when it comes to relationships and marriage, the only way to truly experience the highest joys of them is to block out the "this person may one day destroy you and you can't do anything about it" part. There were times when you'd look into someone's eyes and be filled up with nothing but love and utter and complete trust that this was your person with whom you'd face life together for the rest of your lives. That is a joy that makes life living all by itself, isn't it? I don't know if I can do that again. I worry that I'd be looking at that person filled up with love and think "I hope this guy doesn't fuck me over. Make sure we keep our finances separate just in case and only buy a house that I can afford alone". That's not cute or fun.

I wish I could believe that prospective cheaters could read this kind of stuff and that it would change their minds. I don't think that it would. I think they'd go right ahead for the most part. How many people do we have here with multiple DDays? I'm 100% positive that the vast majority who cheated again saw this devastation in their partner up close and personally and had all of those conversations.

I worry that I'd be looking at that person filled up with love and think "I hope this guy doesn't fuck me over. Make sure we keep our finances separate just in case and only buy a house that I can afford alone". That's not cute or fun.

Yup. That about sums it up for me. I'm working on figuring out how to let myself trust again.... but I can't say at this juncture that it would really stick. Reminds me of trying to stain wood that's been covered in polyurethane.... you can get it on there, but it will never fully cover and will slide/chip. The difference is that it seems no matter how much I sand the freaking polyurethane that has accumulated over my life and then my M/dday, I can't seem to get a surface that can be refinished.

I wish I could believe that prospective cheaters could read this kind of stuff and that it would change their minds. I don't think that it would. I think they'd go right ahead for the most part. How many people do we have here with multiple DDays? I'm 100% positive that the vast majority who cheated again saw this devastation in their partner up close and personally and had all of those conversations.

Ugh. I have to agree here.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:15 PM, June 10th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

When a Wayward cheats, the marriage dies.