SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyway, if you are leaving her, then maybe it doesn't matter.

That's definitely the state you want to work towards.

The more it matters to you, the more leverage she has in this (she has something you want) and the more she lives rent-free in your noggin.

Sending strength!

I don't see anything wrong with leaving. In my eyes it really doesn't matter if she has been faithful the rest of this time or not. You will never know the truth. The reason I say that is because she already showed you she is capable of cheating on you and stringing you along. Why wouldn't she continue to do it as along as there are no real consequences for it.

I personally believe that its better to start with someone new than it is to took over your back the rest of your life knowing full well the person that is supposed to be your partner and protect you when your not their is the one that has the knife.

I am sorry you are suffering.

I'm not speaking n defense of her, as I feel that what you feel is perfectly legitimate. As I've said here before, what I think of waywards, if posted would, get me so banned my grandchilden, once I have some, would be banned as well.

That said, I do not believe its always possible to remember a lot of details from 25 years ago. 28 years ago I was in a band that was on the edge of being a local/regional hit but for the life of me I can't remember the name of the band. Of the cover songs we played I remember, but not the ones we wrote. And making a living as a musician was my lifes dream. So it is possible she really doesn't remember everything.

I'm not trying to change your mind on your decision, just that on this point perhaps some slack should be allowed.

That said, I do not believe its always possible to remember a lot of details from 25 years ago. 28 years ago I was in a band that was on the edge of being a local/regional hit but for the life of me I can't remember the name of the band.

That's because you were in a rock band! And if you remember what you did when you were in a rock band, then you weren't really in a rock band.

You forgot the name of the band - you guys must have been great!

Sorry I wasn't doing drugs and drinking. As much as that might burst your bubble.

It was nearly 30 years ago, I've moved on in my life, dreams changed. Might want to rethink your attitude kid.

Sorry I wasn't doing drugs and drinking. As much as that might burst your bubble.

It was nearly 30 years ago, I've moved on in my life, dreams changed. Might want to rethink your attitude kid.

Lighten up pops, maybe it'll improve the way you react to people. Your past life really isn't important to me, so no need to worry about my bubble bursting.

Anyhow, if making it in music was your lifelong dream, and you can't remember the name of the band you were in that was about to make it big exactly 28 years ago, well, you might want to see somebody about that.

Good luck to you.

In any case, again, people need to stop comparing apples to a stick of dynamite.

A normal relationship long in your past is not an affair where you have to plan a scheme to deceive your current spouse in order to engage in acts that you know will rip your spouse to shreds, and then willfully lie to their face during and after.

A band you played in when you were young is not an affair where you have to plan a scheme to deceive your current spouse in order to engage in acts that you know will rip your spouse to shreds, and then willfully lie to their face during and after.

I assume these ill-conceived comparisons are intended-well, but they are very different things and just wrong to compare.

A better comparison is if she said she can't remember what she did when she robbed a bunch of banks. She might not remember the exact number of banks, but you for sure know if it was 3 or 35, if you robbed them by gunpoint, or just with a note, or if you punched people when you did it to scare them into knowing you were serious.

***

You don't plan and execute a scheme behind your spouse's back for a year, and then forget what the acts of ultimate deception and betrayal that you successfully pulled off.

Nope, that's bullshit.

I don't generally see betrayed spouses asking what the exact temperature was outside during a given meeting, or if it was August 23rd or 24th.

What betrayed spouses want to know are things that cheaters "want to forget", which is "what they did", for how long, and how often:

- What sex acts they engaged in - men in particular tend to want to know this.

- How often the cheaters met - not a number like 3.3 times every 2 weeks, but was it monthly, weekly, many times a week, or daily.

- They want to know how long it lasted - not was it 422 days, but was it a year, two years, a decade?

Cheaters want to lie about these things because they don't want to face up to their sleaziness.

And if the cheater truly forgot the real particulars of their cheating - not the color of the shoes they were wearing, but what they actually did, it generally is because they are a depraved serial cheater - or perhaps they have a very sad medical condition, but I don't think that is the case here.

***

Don't let anyone try to convince you she doesn't remember what she did during her affair. She does.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:11 PM, June 19th (Friday)]

A normal relationship long in your past is not an affair where you have to plan a scheme to deceive your current spouse in order to engage in acts that you know will rip your spouse to shreds, and then willfully lie to their face during and after.

But this wasn't a marital relationship at that time. If I'm understanding the OP's posts, this was a fairly young woman, early to mid twenties, balancing two boyfriends for a year, one she lived with, one she didn't. Of course, it stands to reason that it was still a cheating situation, with the OP believing that the relationship was monogamous. But there's nothing extraordinary here which would reroute memory storage. In fact, traumatic memories are even less likely to store reliably.

Look, I'm not excusing the cheating. Even if it wasn't official adultery, it's still quite painful to the OP, as the lies which surrounded it influenced the direction of his life. But, his situation isn't any worse than anyone else's here. He can choose divorce, but he can also choose reconciliation if he wants. I'm not trying to influence that decision. All I'm doing is letting him know that the trauma which he is experiencing right now is a TEMPORARY state of being. He's not always going to feel so anxious about details which are lost in his wife's memory or feel that everything in his own memory is somehow tainted. So, if he's making his decision based on how he's feeling about those two issues, those two issues are not going to feel so imperative once he's healed. He has said in his opening post that there's still love there, so I do think it's worth mentioning.

Sorry kid, no matter how or what was done it was 25 years ago. Not everyone will remember everything.

Seems faithfulman just can't accept that people are people, and his seeming intellectual superiority on this falls far shorter than he realizes it does.

I apologize to you faithfulman for whatever musician stole your girl once, but you need to move on and get over yourself kid.

Very juvenile and lacking in creativity Weasel, calling me kid over and over again, maybe that's why you didn't make it? It's okay, but please don't take your failure out on me.

Also quite classless of you taking shots about stealing girls in the just found out forum for betrayed spouses.

Be better than that, Weasel.

Then again, what can we expect from someone who aptly assumes the name "weasel"?

I'll remind you "Weasel" that you initiated the attack here.

So maybe you should cool it.

I sincerely ask you to please stop epitomizing a weasel and further traumatizing the betrayed spouses we are here to support by making excuses for lying cheaters.

Now, since I have no use for rodents, I'd rather not interact with you any longer if that's okay.

You may now crawl back into whatever warm wet burrow you emerged from, Weasel.

But this wasn't a marital relationship at that time. If I'm understanding the OP's posts, this was a fairly young woman, early to mid twenties, balancing two boyfriends for a year, one she lived with, one she didn't. Of course, it stands to reason that it was still a cheating situation, with the OP believing that the relationship was monogamous.

If my math is correct, they were 8 years into their relationship, I think that qualifies as a pretty serious long1term relationship and I don't think it is right to minimize the betrayal because they weren't yet married. In fact, they have only been married for 1/3 of their 33 years together.

Surely you're not suggesting that any cheating prior to the wedding is just "balancing two boyfriends"?

By the way "balancing two boyfriends" is cheating, and I would suggest to anyone whose boyfriend or girlfriend is secretly "balancing" another relationship to run like the wind.

But there's nothing extraordinary here which would reroute memory storage. In fact, traumatic memories are even less likely to store reliably.

1) You're minimizing his hurt.

2) Those two sentences directly contradict each other.

3) Whose trauma are you referring to? Her trauma from purposely sneaking off and fucking another guy for a year, and that's why her memories didn't "store reliably"?

Seriously?

You've just created an excuse for every lying "I don't remember" cheater: "I was so traumatized by my cheating," the memories didn't store!"

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:01 PM, June 19th (Friday)]

I believe that the possibility exists that a cheater may not remember all the details that a BS needs. However, regardless of how possible this may be, it is reasonable for a BS to not believe that this possibility applies to their cheating, rugsweeping, lying spouse.

So, whether or not it is technically possible, that may be a moot point to the one that was manipulated and cheated on. You can't manipulate someone to the degree a cheater does and then ever expect that anything you say that remotely feels like more lies, will be believed (.e.g., um, I don't remember).

Full disclosure, I am probably projecting here, but I would file D, follow through, then when the dust settles, consider if a brand new relationship with this person may be worth the risk. It may very well be, in a new circumstance and a for real new relationship. Sometimes it doesn't work to pretend the existing M is done, when the paper that made it legal says it's still the same one.

I am sorry for your pain and the trauma. Make decisions, then take actions.

WG, how are you holding up?

She did what she wanted to do. You can do what you want.

An affair is an affair, She did not sleep with someone she did not like/ love. The details really don’t matter, because you are never going to get the full story. She will never tell you she did thing with BF she will not do with you.

Nobody can tell you to either forgive her or not. To stay and work it out or leave for good.

You can still love her but can’t live with her. She the one who took all of this away.

I believe that the possibility exists that a cheater may not remember all the details that a BS needs. However, regardless of how possible this may be, it is reasonable for a BS to not believe that this possibility applies to their cheating, rugsweeping, lying spouse.

So, whether or not it is technically possible, that may be a moot point to the one that was manipulated and cheated on. You can't manipulate someone to the degree a cheater does and then ever expect that anything you say that remotely feels like more lies, will be believed (.e.g., um, I don't remember).

Very well put and all true. There may be specifics that the betrayed spouse needs/wants to know that the lying cheater cannot retrieve, especially after 25 years.

My point, is "She knows what she did".

I think this is important for the newly betrayed like "WorthwhileGuy" (I am not going to call you Worthless) to understand so they aren't snowballed into rugsweeping by lying cheaters.

If she didn't know what she did she wouldn't have sprung the news on him on their tenth anniversary with some bullshit leading question about if "WG had ever cheated on her?"

If she didn't know what she did, there would not be waves of trickle truth that took 8 weeks for him to wring out of her.

***

Westway's case is a little different because his wife is a known serial cheater, and she cheated so much and for so long that some pretty big parts of the story are for sure blurry to her.

But even then, she still "knows what she did", double-digit affair partners etc.

WorthwhileGuy - she knows what she did. If you know enough now, then make your decision and move on with your life.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:08 PM, June 20th (Saturday)]