SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's not a waste if he's willing to put the work in to change his past behavior and never cheat again. A lot went down in a year that it took on my end to make it possible to be together. I object to notion that he simply used me to immigrate here simply because he cheated.

A lot went down in a year that it took on my end to make it possible to be together.

I expect it did. How many of your clients were in committed relationships? Is that something you find out before booking one, or do you just not care about assisting someone else in their commission of adultery? I suspect that your hands might not be too clean in matters of fidelity, and maybe that has something to do with your willingness to absolve your WS in the matter of using you. Maybe in a subconscious sense you don't feel like you have room to object to your WH's cheating.

Facts are facts though. If the money was spent on his immigration, he used you. You did not have all the facts, hence you did not have true agency. I mean, if you had known all along that he had a prostitute on the side, would you have chosen to debase yourself?

It sucks to find out that you don't mean as much to someone as you thought. Believe me, we all know, hence our presence here. But we only hurt ourselves when we project our thoughts/feelings/definition/philosophy of "love" onto someone who has floridly shown us that he doesn't agree. "Willing to put in the work" is nothing but lip-service. Words mean nothing. Action is what counts. If he wasn't "using" you, he'll pay you back every dime you spent on him.

How long have you two been "together"? You've say you've only been married a year. What was the nature of your relationship before? Was it online/long distance? What sort of vetting period did you go through before you decided to sponsor him?

Has he met your family? Have you met his? You know, normal pre-marriage, serious relationship stuff. Or was it a whirlwind dating/engagement/marriage process? Who seemed to be driving the pace?

It sounds like you rushed through process without really understanding who you were committing to.

That being said, this relationship seems very toxic and untenable.

Why do you feel you must work things out with someone who is clearly not marriage material?

It seems like this was green card marriage and that once he got what he wanted he stepped outside of the marriage to have is other fun.

He can justify all he wants. SAYING he will do the work is far different from actually doing the work. He should be leading this phase of your relationship. He should be hunting down counselors and researching books, etc.

I mean, come on, the ink on your marriage contract is barely dry and he's already bouncing? How sure can you be that he wasn't already playing the field while he was supposedly courting you?

Not to be harsh, but is sounds like you were played. You should be consulting attorneys.

I may be totally wrong. But there's a lot of obvious red flags.

Why does everyone think he's not putting in the work? He's read self help books. Looked at affair podcasts rewritten vows. Paid me back his half on the application and is going to contact a marriage counselor on pay day this week. A lot of you seem quite keen on sticking to this green card angle. (it's a pr card in Canada btw) We were dating together long distance for a year in which he would fly to Canada to visit me or fly me out to visit him. Yes he has met my parents. He stepped out the marriage before the application was ever approved. He already currently has his p.r card AND a job (that pays him more than mine) in my country right now so he does not need to stay with me at all. He can easily leave if this was all for papers. Him cheating on me doesn't automatically mean that our relationship was for immigration purposes. People cheat! I remember one time it was his birthday and he cried because I had gotten a call from a client and tearfully asked me not to see one on his birthday. Why would he care if he was just using me? I remember him getting emotional when he thought he lost the wedding ring I gave him when I secretly hided it. Why would he care if he's only been using me for immigration? He even tried to kill himself with my ibuprofen pills on the day I found out the affair (and he already had his pr card) I had to shove my hand in his mouth and make him throw up the pills. and even in the beginning of our relationship when I was pushing for us to get married cuz I was crazy about him he told me "yea maybe one day" and I asked wat was wrong and he let me know that he didn't know what his intentions were with me and didn't know where he saw things going. If it was all for immigration documents he wouldn't have said that as most people would just walk right out the relationship. He could have lied and said everything was wonderful gotten papers and bounced. But he was honest! We continued dating till he eventually FELl in love with me and proposed. After prostituting for immigration He found a way to help me sell my explicit pics of myself on a fetish site so id never have to escort again in my whole life. So I rebuke this notion that it was all for papers.

[This message edited by Triplexqueen at 6:35 AM, June 10th (Wednesday)]

I think maybe you should be in IC too. There's a lot going on here outside of his cheating.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. This is truly one of the saddest situations I've read here.

As has been stated by some of the others, you REALLY need to assess your own situation. What happened to you that you feel that you deserve this sort of treatment? What control does this man have over you that you are willing to not only move beyond what he has done (and risk making you ill by the way) but to be willing to keep doing things that will put yourself at risk?

Your relationship is so far beyond toxic that I cannot even describe it. You need to start by getting tested and retested for STD's. If he's still participating in this behavior (as well as if YOU are). I am not sure of the requirements in Canada, but in the US you are required to remain married for a minimum time period or the spouse can lose their papers and be back to square one. If that is also the case in Canada that may be why he's trying to hang on. It happens quite a bit here and we're pretty convinced that one of my co-workers is in a marriage so she can get her papers.

I hate to pile on where everyone else is, but I really have no other advice than to get out of this situation completely. He CLEARLY needs help and you would benefit from removing yourself from this situation and getting counseling. This situation is NOT going to get better.

Why does everyone think he's not putting in the work?

Because up until your last post, you didn't tell us what work he was doing.

I asked before, but will again. Why did you choose a username that eventually equals "pornqueen?"

People cheat. Yes, they do. But not everyone. Not people with boundaries and morals. Did you have a lot of married clients? If so, that might help us understand your casual statememt.

So this man,who loves you, was ok with you prostituting for him,and now you tell us he helped you sell your naked pics online..where they can be viewed by anyone,anytime. Your family,friends,future employers,his family, your kids,etc, could all come across them someday.

That's not love. There's no respect here.

He tried to kill himself with Ibuprofen?

How old are the two of you?

Because up until your last post, you didn't tell us what work he was doing.

I asked before, but will again. Why did you choose a username that eventually equals "pornqueen?"

People cheat. Yes, they do. But not everyone. Not people with boundaries and morals. Did you have a lot of married clients? If so, that might help us understand your casual statememt.

So this man,who loves you, was ok with you prostituting for him,and now you tell us he helped you sell your naked pics online..where they can be viewed by anyone,anytime. Your family,friends,future employers,his family, your kids,etc, could all come across them someday.

That's not love. There's no respect here.

He tried to kill himself with Ibuprofen?

How old are the two of

Nobody asked what he was doing they just assumed he did nothing wen I said he's trying. I never said everyone cheated.i do not know if any clients were married as I saw no ring. I do not mind selling my nudes on the internet it's completely up to me whether I do that not him he just helped me find that option. I don't see what my username has to do with this current issue I am facing. We are both 33.

remain married for a minimum time period or the spouse can lose their papers and be back to square one. If that is also the case in Canada that may be why he's trying to hang on

No such rule exists here.

My husband expresses remorse and I do want to make it work but I'm afraid he will just do it all again. Has anyone ever cheated and not cheated again?

OK, let's go back to your original post and the question you asked of us.

He may or may not cheat again. We at SI are not crystal balls who can foresee the future. However, we are pretty damn good at following our guts and dispensing advice based on personal experience.

Broken people usually need intensive help (therapy/counseling) to find out why they are broken and have to work very hard (years of counseling) to fix themselves.

Yes, there are people who have cheated and not cheated again. There are people who have cheated over and over. There are people who never cheat.

Other than the answers to your questions, do you seek other advice/support from us? SI members have taken time out of their day to give you some very good advice and support. Perhaps you should read through the posts and sit with what was written for a bit before being defensive. We are strangers on the internet; we have nothing to lose or gain by imparting our advice, but we do care.

Sending you strength & hugs,

Lala

I said he's trying.

We get a lot of new betrayeds in this forum who say their spouse is trying,and when questioned, trying equals being nice,helping around the house, etc. Things that don't equal trying.

I don't see what my username has to do with this current issue

It just seems odd to come to an infidelity forum, where women are in heart shattering pain, because their husbands used prostitutes, and your choice of username seems insensitive.

People cheat. He's remorseful and trying. I wish you well.

Why does everyone think he's not putting in the work?

What work could this guy possibly do that makes up for him encouraging you to demean yourself for money? He's taken his cut no different than a pimp, and if he feels "emasculated", that's probably because in his own eyes, he's not much of a man.

You say he's met your parents, but do your parents know what you've done to keep him? Does anyone?

You're right about one thing... people do cheat, but they don't typically do it in the first year of marriage. Only the most selfish and entitled cheat during the "honeymoon" period, and we often see their BS's posting again later because they've turned into serial cheats.

Cheating is a CHARACTER issue. It happens when a person's stated values don't align with their actual deeds. The cheater claims to believe in fidelity, takes vows in front of his friends and family, then shits on those vows, because beneath it all, he didn't truly believe what he was saying. You can't MAKE a good man cheat. You can't MAKE a good woman cheat. When a person truly values their belief system, they uphold it.

The problem you've got is that neither one of you are true believers. You've both got a "but..." in your core values system. You believe in fidelity, but... if you need some extra cash, it can go on the back burner. He believes in fidelity, but... if he's feeling a little low and you're not around, it can wait.

I hope you begin to see how deep the problem goes. It's a total rewrite of what you actually do believe, what you actually do value, and the willingness to live by your own code for each of you. Your hands aren't clean here because fidelity is a value that you've thoroughly trashed in your choice to prostitute yourself. You want it from your mate, but you don't respect it for others. You've sent this mixed message and expected faithfulness that YOU haven't delivered, not to your WH and not to however many betrayed spouses you've insulted with your prostitution business.

I'm not trying to beat you up here, but if you don't LOOK at the entirety of the problem, you're not going to find a solution. Maybe it turns out that you're not conventional, maybe you're a "poly" couple who don't value sexual fidelity, but that would still require going back to the core values drawing board and agreeing on how you feel about honesty. The core values must align with the actual deeds. They must be true and they must be mutual. Not lip-service, not negotiated, not compromised... there has to be true consensus.

Good luck with your situation. I do hope that you decide to make a better life for yourself and that you learn to value yourself and others. If you can harness the pain you've felt from your WH's casual betrayal and use it to empathize with the betrayed spouse of every married client you've entertained, I think you can change your outlook and your life.

ETA:

He even tried to kill himself with my ibuprofen pills on the day I found out the affair

Oh... and NEVER allow someone to manipulate you with threats of suicide. That's NOT proof of love. It's a control mechanism, and an immature one at that. If he ever threatens you with that again, call for an ambulance and police. If he's serious, you'll have save his life. And if he's not... he'll never do it again.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:07 PM, June 10th (Wednesday)]

Omg it was clearly a mistake coming here.i knew I'd be judged for confessing I prostituted myself to pay for my husband's immigration. It was never something I wanted to do. I believed in our marriage and was Willing to do anything to be together on a consistent basis. None of u know wat it's like to be apart from someone u love 3 to 6 months a time and only being able to spend a week or two with them. It was hell! I was willing to do anything to make that pain stop.but fine judge me for being a whore I prostituted while married so I guess in your eyes I deserved to be cheated on because I potentially slept with a married client unknowingly. I'm done being judged here I'm out! I always believed in fidelity and I still do but this is the real world and sometimes sacrifices have to be made to get wat we want! He told me he was fine with me escorting so I'm not to blame if he somehow felt it gave him a license to step out the marriage. He never asked me for permission!

[This message edited by Triplexqueen at 1:16 PM, June 10th (Wednesday)]

None of us said that you deserved to be cheated on, triple.

sometimes sacrifices have to be made to get wat we want!

You don't have to sacrifice your body and soul for a man...just NO.

Every single one of us has experienced infidelity in one degree or another. That degree does not make any of our situations worse or better...it all fucking sucks.

Take what you need and leave the rest...that's our mantra here.

You need some time to absorb all of this...take the time you need.

Hugs...

I always believed in fidelity and I still do but this is the real world and sometimes sacrifices have to be made to get wat we want!

And there it is... the "but..." in your core values.

I'm sorry that you're offended. I don't see the point in mollycoddling you though because it's NOT giving you information about cheating, what causes cheating, or what's involved in repairing a broken character.

Neither you, nor your cheating WS, have stood for fidelity, and yet you want it. So the question becomes, how do you achieve that? The obvious answer is that you reevaluate your values systems and STAND for what you truly believe in. You did NOT get what you wanted doing it your way because your "but..." brought you each more than you bargained for. Remove the "but...". Dig down to where it comes from, both of you. Find out what's going on in your own characters which says "yes" to expediency (or in his case, perfidy) even when it results in heartbreak. There's no substitute for the deep, painful, humbling introspection one must engage in to achieve real change.

Ultimately though, it's your choice whether you'll take offense or take the insight which has been offered. I do think it might be prudent for you to re-read the responses to your thread without assuming hostility. There are helpful articles in the healing library and countless threads in the forums which might also be of assistance.

ETA: Oh, and many of us do know what it's like to live apart from our spouses for months at a time. I've been married 35 years, so yeah... we've had job assignments and moves which required 3-6 months away from each other. And IME, there's nothing about that which requires a person to part with their value system. You either believe or you don't. There's no middle ground there.

Good luck.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:05 PM, June 10th (Wednesday)]

There were times I did enjoy myself when I had a hot client but that doesn't mean it was no longer business

You clearly have a different view of prostitution than most people here, I doubt you checked to see if your clients were single. You also say this is not the first time you've worked as a prostitute.

I don't know what led you to work as a sex worker initially. I'll never understand someone who does it when they have a choice. There are plenty of people here who have been apart from their other have for long periods of time for various raids including looking after family, work, deployments etc.

Being apart does not give your WH leave to cheat. You need to set boundaries and he needs to figure out why he thought it was ok to break those boundaries.