SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone new here. I discovered in may that my husband who I had only been married to for less than a year had cheated on me with a sex worker. It's very heart breaking because I sponsored him to live in my country. Took care of him financially and even prostituted myself to support him because my minimum wage job could not cover the cost of taking care of both of us plus rent. Onlllly for him to apparently "resent" me because he felt emasculated because I had to take care of him and prostitute (even though he told me it was okay for me to do it) so he turned to a sex worker to make him feel admired and wanted. The whole thing infuriates me. He paid a sex worker 70$ to cum in a batch of cookies and shove lollipops up her vagina so she can mail them to him so he could eat them. I discovered this by reading emails he sent her telling her he missed her and to contact him. Apparently they did this while we were dating long distance as well but he claims he never considered it cheating back than because they never met in person but he knew it was cheating when he was doing it while married because of our discussions. My husband expresses remorse and I do want to make it work but I'm afraid he will just do it all again. Has anyone ever cheated and not cheated again?

I’m not here to judge people’s life choices, but it doesn’t seem like you have a very healthy relationship. Please take time to do some internal work, and see you are worth more than all of this. If this is a joke, I think my previous sentence is still applicable. Best of luck.

hmmmmmm Sounds like a post from Penthouse forum to me.

Your post is confusing. You are a paid prostitute yet you are upset your husband visited a prostitute? Sorry if I'm confused.

Apologies if I misunderstand your post, but what do you mean by "prostituted yourself" and "sex worker".

What is upsetting to you exactly? Is it the fetish? The lying? The hiring a sex worker?

I agree that you seem to have made some questionable life choices, but we are not here to judge you. Help us understand what you want from this forum.

For those inquiring. I worked as a prostitute to take care of my husband and pay for immigration fees while he stayed in my country. My minimum wage job was not enough to take care of both of us as well as the immigration fees. My husband had told me he was okay with it because he understood it was a means to an end. Only for him to cheat than try to use that I was a prostitute as reasoning for why he cheated.

I just don't understand why you want to "make it work". This guy is obviously using you. You've been married less than a year and he was ALREADY cheating before that. So, his sad sausage lamentations of "being emasculated" ring false, particularly given the fact that he was supposedly building his self esteem with... ahem... another prostitute. (Read... someone he had to pay for it.) It's just a blame-shift to get YOU to take responsibility for his choice to be a liar and a cheat. You see that, right? Do you see how it doesn't even make sense that paying someone to give him sexual favors made him "more of a man" than getting it from you for free based on your love/attraction for him? It's a lie, a bald-faced one too. You caught him in his shit and he had to think of something to say.

If you're smart, you'll dump him on his ass, go complete NO CONTACT, get the quickest divorce you can manage, and get some therapy to help you fix your picker so you don't end up with another user.

Are you saying he let you put yourself in danger to make money for him, then spent marital money on sexual favors from another woman, then tried to make you feel guilty for making the money he used?

Weird details aside, I hope you can see how it's not in any way ok for you to be treated like this.

I just don't understand why you want to "make it work". This guy is obviously using you. You've been married less than a year and he was ALREADY cheating before that. So, his sad sausage lamentations of "being emasculated" ring false, particularly given the fact that he was supposedly building his self esteem with... ahem... another prostitute. (Read... someone he had to pay for it.) It's just a blame-shift to get YOU to take responsibility for his choice to be a liar and a cheat. You see that, right? Do you see how it doesn't even make sense that paying someone to give him sexual favors made him "more of a man" than getting it from you for free based on your love/attraction for him? It's a lie, a bald-faced one too. You caught him in his shit and he had to think of something to say.

If you're smart, you'll dump him on his ass, go complete NO CONTACT, get the quickest divorce you can manage, and get some therapy to help you fix your picker so you don't end up with another user.

He did this back when we were dating but claims he felt it was not cheating because he never physically met her or engaged with her it was all by way of being sent things. He considered it cheating when we were married only because we had discussed he wasn't allowed to keep nudes of ex's. I want to make it work because he's expressed remorse and wants to go to therapy for his sexual addiction. I sacrificed a lot for this marriage and want to try my best to make it work so it's not all for nothing.

Triplexqueen

He did this back when we were dating but claims he felt it was not cheating because he never physically met her or engaged with her it was all by way of being sent things. He considered it cheating when we were married only because we had discussed he wasn't allowed to keep nudes of ex's. I want to make it work because he's expressed remorse and wants to go to therapy for his sexual addiction. I sacrificed a lot for this marriage and want to try my best to make it work so it's not all for nothing.

You've literally sacrificed yourself by prostituting yourself for this man and he's cheating on you. Dump him and do some internal work.

He will only bring you pain.

Are you saying he let you put yourself in danger to make money for him, then spent marital money on sexual favors from another woman, then tried to make you feel guilty for making the money he used?

He claims he did not use marital money but money he had left over from his job before he relocated to be with me. He felt he was too ashamed of his fetish to ask me to do those things which is why he turned to a sex worker because it provided him an ego boost to pay someone to fulfill his desires and no shame because it was there job to do it.

He claims he did not use marital money but money he had left over from his job before he relocated to be with me.

Oh I'm sorry to say this. He had money, but used you to pay his way.

What sexual addiction? Every man who cheats, isnt a sex addict,including those who buy women and exchange dirty pics and texts.

Unless he has been diagnosed by a CSAT, you don't know he is a SA.

It sounds like he is using it as an excuse for cheating.

He had money for a prostitute, but no money to help you pay bills. He would rather you sell yourself, when he clearly had money.

What is he doing that makes you think he is remorseful?

Also, I understand desperate circumstances, under which a woman may prostitute herself. I am grateful to have never been in that position, so no judgement there.

But I do find your choice of username interesting. I'm not sure what country you are from. In the US, Triple X is porn. So, essentially, your user name is porn queen. An odd choice for someone who felt forced to prostitute by her husband, and had a husband who cheated with a prostitute.

Also I'd like to point out to everyone I'm no angel either. I never disclosed to my husband I was hsv1 (cold sores) positive when we engaged In sex multiple times unprotected. Although the risk for transmission in my case is extremely low because of where I contracted it on my body I didn't disclose that information to him until after we become married for a year. I never told him out of fear he wouldn't want to be with me and also because of the low likely hood of transmission backed up by personal experience with past boytoys. I do know it was terribly wrong of me to do regardless.

[This message edited by Triplexqueen at 8:20 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

What sexual addiction? Every man who cheats, isnt a sex addict,including those who buy women and exchange dirty pics and texts.

Unless he has been diagnosed by a CSAT, you don't know he is a SA.

It sounds like he is using it as an excuse for cheating.

He had money for a prostitute, but no money to help you pay bills. He would rather you sell yourself, when he clearly had money.

What is he doing that makes you think he is remorseful?

I think it's an addiction because he tried to stop in the past but than went back to it. I believe if you try to stop something but can't help returning to it you have an addiction. I know for a fact he had money left over because he was supposed to use that money towards the sponsorship application but we had gotten into an argument and he used all his money up. Which resulted in me having to escort to pay off the remaining 1 thousand. I do agree everything he has told me is a poor excuse for why he did it. It doesn't make sense to me how he felt more comfortable turning to a sex worker and paying her to do fetish type things he could easily ask me to do for free. He claims he felt ashamed to ask and far more masculine and in power asking a sex worker because I've emasculated him in our relationship when I was temporarily the bread winner And didn't feel he could come to me. It makes no sense to me. I just feel he simply wanted to cheat.

[This message edited by Triplexqueen at 8:44 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

You are worried about not disclosing cold sores while you husband is actively asking for lolipops from a woman's vagina?

You know he can get cold sores from that right?

Especially if she is actively seeing men in person.

Are you actively engaging in prostitution or was that a onetime thing?

I am with some of the other people who think this guy might have used you. He may see you as a means to an end.

How are other aspects of the marriage and how long did you know each other long distance before bringing him to be with you?

You are worried about not disclosing cold sores while you husband is actively asking for lolipops from a woman's vagina?

You know he can get cold sores from that right?

Especially if she is actively seeing men in person.

Are you actively engaging in prostitution or was that a onetime thing?

I am with some of the other people who think this guy might have used you. He may see you as a means to an end.

How are other aspects of the marriage and how long did you know each other long distance before bringing him to be with you?

No I am not actively engaging in prostitution. I did it in the past and suggested it to him I do it to pay for the rest of the sponsorship application since he wasted his other half of the money for it when we had gotten in an argument. As for how long we We had known each other. It was for a year before we got married. I don't believe he's using me. He's already paid me back for the money he squandered on the application. He had also spent 1k to fly me to his city and pay for hotel back wen we were long distance. I was also eager to get married to him back when we were dating (but not officially exclusive) early on and at first he was too but than he became unsure about us due to him still kind of wanting to have fun with other girls and not quite ready to settle down. We continued to date for 12 months than he proposed.

[This message edited by Triplexqueen at 9:09 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

Totally NONE OF MY BUSINESS, but I am wondering how you feel about your experience while prostituting?

Is it something you enjoyed, tolerated, or even detested?

If it was "just another way to get money" to you, then I'm not sure it should be a huge consideration in this situation.

But if you did something that you were on any level of uncomfortable with...for him...and he in turn spent much needed money to hire his own prostitute...

Yeah, I'm not sure what kind of future you can hope for from this guy.

And, I hope you will be true to yourself, whatever that happens to be. NO ONE is worth demeaning yourself for, and if he was willing to do what he did to you, he is undeserving of your love.

JMHO

Totally NONE OF MY BUSINESS, but I am wondering how you feel about your experience while prostituting?

Is it something you enjoyed, tolerated, or even detested?

If it was "just another way to get money" to you, then I'm not sure it should be a huge consideration in this situation.

But if you did something that you were on any level of uncomfortable with...for him...and he in turn spent much needed money to hire his own prostitute...

Yeah, I'm not sure what kind of future you can hope for from this guy.

And, I hope you will be true to yourself, whatever that happens to be. NO ONE is worth demeaning yourself for, and if he was willing to do what he did to you, he is undeserving of your love.

I know he doesn't deserve my love doesn't change the fact that I love him. He tells me he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn me back. Wen I prostituted I looked at it strictly as business. There were times I did enjoy myself when I had a hot client but that doesn't mean it was no longer business. I collected my money performed my task and left. It was purely to reach my goal of being able to live comfortably in my country with my husband. My husband is a us citizen he relocated to Canada to be with me. There isn't much the us doesn't have that Canada does so I don't think it was all for papers. He currently has a job here in Canada and is already a permanent resident he doesn't need to stay with me at all.

I want to make it work because he's expressed remorse and wants to go to therapy for his sexual addiction. I sacrificed a lot for this marriage and want to try my best to make it work so it's not all for nothing.

Frankly, it doesn't matter whether the WS has expressed remorse and it doesn't matter what the WS wants. What matters is what YOU want... and why you want it.

You say you want "to make it work so it's not all for nothing", but the truth is that everything you did WAS for nothing. Because when it came right down to it, that guy was all about HIMSELF. He didn't give a shit what you went through to get him over the border. He cheated anyway. His first excuse about how he was "emasculated" doesn't hold up, so now, he's SA and needs your support or whatever. Sorry, but 'no'. The guy is just a self-involved user who is stringing you along, because HE CAN. You've already proved that there's nothing you won't give up for him. You're intent on saving your investment of what?... a year? Try to imagine 30 years of that. Try to imagine sacrificing ALL your youth and vitality to that. Then, tell me it's the most important thing.

I think you'd do well to at least commit to doing one thing for YOU. Go to CODA.org, find a meeting in your area, and attend. Go to several meetings. Tell your story. I think you'll find that you're NOT as alone as you thought you were. Codependency can bring out a desperation for connection which makes people do all sorts of things they wouldn't ordinarily do. And I think that's where you are, acting out of codependency... because what you've described is not love, nor is the object of it lovable. It's more like an attachment to an abuser.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:03 PM, June 9th (Tuesday)]