SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dyokemm:

I used to travel extensively around the world. The hotels wont give up info just because I ask.

If you have a way to ask that would get them to spill the details, I would love to know.

it is a good idea to try to correlate the stays with cash withdrawals. I know there are no hotel charges on our cards.

So a PI might need to follow for awhile. The cash adds up. If I had access to the phone records then I could clandestinely know when they are texting and let a PI know.

It shouldn't take that long for the PIs, if it does, you may also get a GPS tracker and hide it in her car, it may be illegal to do in some states without her consent but I would do it regardless, I don't remember one single instance where the GPS tracker was found, make sure you hide it well, under her seat with some velcro along with a VAR, the car is considered a marital asset so you also own it (unless she inherited or owned it prior your M), you could say she knew about it, make sure you put one in your car as well, you may pass them as car theft prevention/recovery device (at least the GPS tracker), If I was you I would put both, not that you need any of this to expose her and file for D but I understand you want to know who the OM is and to expose him with OBS if she doesn't tell you, I would too.

I used to travel extensively around the world. The hotels wont give up info just because I ask.

I understand it's difficult but it's been done before, you'd be surprised of the techniques used to get some of this info from hotel clerks, they have their ways, your WW checked into the hotel and they have her info, they could have a female PI call the clerk, pretend she's your WW and tell them she lost some jewelry or cellphone and that the insurance company is asking for a receipt to corroborate her story and to prove she was there that day and then go from there, they may be also be able to access security cameras for that day from a nearby business or one across the street and get a license plate, again, they're professionals and have their techniques and some a few "friends" within law enforcement, a few hundred bucks is worth the try.

Most of the stories (overwhelmingly) I've seen here and other websites where a PI was hired have had success within a short period of time.

There is still a way you can get information. The chance to catfish is gone. His number is out the window. You may need to let this guy go and focus on getting out.

He is using a burner phone and hooking up with married women. He is most likely married himself, hence have sex with someone also with a busy schedule who has a lot to lose if exposed.

The thing I will tell you is one of her friends knows. You should out her to all your friends because she is visiting them to spin, Woe is me tales. I bet one of the husbands sneaks you some information you didn't have. They always know something. This also gets your narrative out. Be sure to mention she is the one who cut off sex a long time ago.

A sneaky PI would work for the hotel or know someone who does and get that information. Just not court admissible.

If she is in the medical field, I would bet he works at the clinic, office, hospital, ...

My wife worked in a hospital and when I would help them with technical things, I learned that way too much cheating was happening between coworkers.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 1:19 AM, June 24th (Wednesday)]

Look – If a BS has some wish or intent to reconcile it’s of immense importance to know who the AP is as well as (at least) the key info on the affair. I even go so far as suggest you would need to know everything YOU – the BS – feel you need to recover.

But you don’t have any intention of reconciling.

I wouldn’t spend any more money on finding out who OM is. That money is better spent on legal consultation on how to ensure you get the best deal in the divorce. Frankly the OM is irrelevant now.

I would definitely be clear to others on why you are divorcing. It’s not as if you have to prove to each and every one that your wife is having an affair. People don’t get graded in D and the one less in blame gets a medallion and keeps all the friends. I’m about 90% certain that once word spreads out amongst friends and acquaintances that Mr. and Mrs. BSHWI are divorcing due to her affair the rumor mill will ensure the name is dragged into the light. No matter how safe the affair-couple think they are then there is always someone that knows…

Read my original post on your thread.

IF you have some hope of reconciliation or IF your WW doesn’t want divorce then a key element I mention is that she has to accept some conditions. One of them being TELLING YOU who the OM is. That is done unconditionally. Even if you “promise” not to tell his wife then that’s what you do once you know his identity.

To summarize: If you are divorcing then the simple fact there is an OM is enough. Who he is becomes less important. If you are reconciling you need to know who he is and expose in his world.

our sex life has been non existent for a long time (years). Quite a long time ago, she essentially turned into a prude and that any sexual comment or advance was met with disdain and disgust.

This tells me that she's been unfaithful for awhile and the reason she suddenly became a prude was because she was being "faithful" to the OM. You just noted that you had suspicions that you did not want to note right now. No need; you know your gut is spot on. Human beings don't become sexually defunct overnight - there is a reason.

I'm so sorry - but you are going down the right path to get yourself the hell out of infidelity.

Please listen to the advice about getting a VAR to carry with you at all times. Don't discount the possibility of being accused of domestic violence. When your WW figures out she has lost control she could go ballistic. Since your boys are also in lock down they are probably home a lot. That's good even if it interferes with any needed conversations with WW.

An acquaintance came home unexpectedly and his wife wasn't home when she should have been. He thought he knew where she would be and, sure enough, there was her vehicle. He confronted there and went home. His WW came home storming and eventually called the police that he had physically abused her. His daughter was home (only 13 or 14 at the time) and told the police it was a lie. If she hadn't he would have been taken away in handcuffs.

A friend's WW accused him and it stuck he was charged and has a permanent record. She later admitted that he hadn't touched her but wouldn't go on the record and have the record corrected. It's there until he dies.

Don't discount this. It is so real and so many have suffered from it. So many feel their WW wouldn't do that. She has shown you who she is. Believe her. Don't trust her about anything.

Look – If a BS has some wish or intent to reconcile it’s of immense importance to know who the AP is as well as (at least) the key info on the affair. I even go so far as suggest you would need to know everything YOU – the BS – feel you need to recover.

But you don’t have any intention of reconciling.

Respectfully, reconciling or not, a BS still needs to know what they need to know for their own recovery. Some BS's might be fine with walking away and knowing nothing further, but I think probably more BS's still need and want to know, even if they are heading for D. It's about connecting the dots in your reality, about making sense of your history and your past. Just my 0.02.

BSH - you do whatever you need to do and get whatever info you need to move forward.

Sorry to hear about your situation BSHusbandWI. Just a word of encouragement. Keep moving to divorce; don't waiver. I'd suspect that the sex ended in your marriage the day that she started having sex with other men. She's now watching her step and hoping that you'll go back to sleep so she can continue to screw other guys and have you to take care of the kids, house, and her when she gets old and nobody else wants her. This life is about you now. You are the prize, You are worth the effort to get yourself free from your cheater and have a great and happy life doing whatever you want to do.

As you know, finding the OBS is important so she too can choose her own future. Also, exposing everything to both families, all friends, and your children will allow them to know how to help you and also takes away the cheater's ability to spin the story to her liking. I wish the best for you.

If you agree with that then consider telling her something along these lines:

“Wife. I envisioned us being married forever. This affair was an immense shock, but I think our past deserves that we try to reconcile. However, I have made an immense, liberating realization: As much as I fear losing this marriage then I fear even more SHARING you.

I don’t share my wife, nor do I intend to. I don’t intent to keep you in this marriage against your will. If you don’t think a monogamous marriage built on honesty and mutual respect is attainable for us or if you think our marriage demands too much sacrifice, then that’s OK.

You are totally free to spend time with OM, meet OM, go to his seedy hotel-room, talk about him with your friends… whatever… BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.

Until and unless you tell me in a very clear and unequivocal way that you want me as your husband I’m simply assuming you have still chosen your affair over our marriage. I release you from your obligations and expectations as my wife, just like I resign my role as your husband.

That’s OK. I’m fine with that. It’s not what I want, but definitely better than remaining in infidelity.

I will initiate and work towards the emotional, logistical and legal process of terminating our marriage. The legal system will ensure we both get a fair deal. I will place the legal aspects in the hands of my attorney because I am too emotionally attached to this marriage.

If you want this marriage and tell me so in a clear unequivocal manner, then there are some requirements I need. I need total commitment, accountability and transparency and I need the name of the OM. Without this then I know we can’t reconcile and I’m OK with that. It beats sharing you.”

And then you go and do something else. Watch a rerun of Friends, mow the lawn… whatever.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, tell her she is out and to stay away forever. She can have her boy toys.

Respectfully EllieKMAS – they don’t.

Dealing with infidelity requires focus. If the OP has no intention of reconciling his focus should be on getting the best resolution to divorce. The focus on this thread is more on revenge than resolution.

Plus as I stated in my post IF he focuses on D and is frank about it the rumor-mill will churn out OM name eventually.

EllieKMAS:

Respectfully, reconciling or not, a BS still needs to know what they need to know for their own recovery.

I do want and probably need WAAAAY more information. But I'm not begging for it any more.

I trying to steel myself to the realization that in all likelihood, I will not get what I need to heal. So I have to focus on me.

That counselor that I mentioned that we were going to go to together was one that I picked. He seems like a good pick for me. I'll reengage when I feel the time is right.

That would be after I get all the gears in motion.

She is at a place that I can easily check up on her. They are a married couple that we hang with from time to time. No picture yet, but she took the time to tell me where she was going when an hour or two earlier I said I would only talk about divorce, splitting our assets and taking care of the kids.

Don't respond. This is was sent to put you off balance. Not even an acknowledgement. You've communicated your terms, they are what they are.

BSHusbandWI, have you a timeline as to telling the ids what their mother is doing? That may help nudge her out.

I have reached out to two local lawyers to arrange for an initial consult.

I have also reached out to two local PIs to get info on what they can do with just a burner number.

Don't forget the Hilton room keys. They are very specifically traceable to someone who paid for a specific hotel room. If only your wife paid for it, maybe there is still some trace of the other party involved. A receipt for a dinner or some other room service bill. Not something you might trace but something a dedicated PI could use.

Slight t/j, but I think will benefit OP, so gonna say.

I am 6 months out from my D being final. I no longer give two shits what the xdouche is up to. I don't care what nasty thing he's hitting. I don't care about his AP's. They can all fuck right off.

But a year ago? I knew I was heading for D, but I still needed to know what he had done and when. And having SIers tell me that I needed to just move on and stop thinking about it just made me feel weak and stupid for still needing to know. But I wasn't weak and stupid. Part of healing (at least in my case) was connecting the dots. Was making sense of the time he ____ and when he said _____. Having sense made of my own personal history was a very important part of my healing and my moving forward.

As to the revenge aspect? So long as it isn't jail-able, I say go for it. I didn't (cus I was being the "bigger person" and "moving on") and I very much wish I had. I think that part of it can also be a powerful part of some people's healing. Not all BS's are created equal, so what works for one may not be the best thing for another. end t/j

Just saying too - it could be that having more info in some cases helps a BH to steel their resolve to proceed with divorce. That maybe if they didn't know A B or C about their ww, they would decide to R. I will always advocate for a new BS to have as much info as they need and want, no matter which way they are leaning. IMHO, I think info = knowledge, and knowledge = power.

I'm with Bigger on this one. He doesn't need to know right now who this OM is if he is divorcing. My thought is that if he moves forward with the divorce and keeps his eyes out he'll find out at some point and can find the OBS and tell her. Once the D starts the WW will become much less circumspect about the Affair and I can almost guarantee that the OM's name will become known.

I understand both the need to focus heads-down on divorcing, and on the need to know the specifics of just what the hell went on over the last months to years that you were an onlooker in a central part of your life.

It's all about control, and taking it back.

Priority-wise, the divorce has to be front and center in order to separate yourself from the completely untrustworthy partner, otherwise they have control over your life.

But knowledge is power is control too, and if you need it, you need it. Just keep the priorities aligned. As Bigger and Rico note, odds are extremely high it will come out anyway. Just keep gently poking away at it.

The way that I feel about information is more in alignment to EllieKMAS.

I go from sad, to feeling worthless, to angry all very fast. I'm working hard to only show my distance, anger and coldness to WW.

Most of the time, I don't feel like I'm looking to get revenge. Certainly not by fucking someone. And not through outing her (although, she has made it clear that it would damage her - and that would likely be a nice side effect because of how hurt I am).

I know everyone says to out her NOW. I will when I have my plan enacted. It's my life after all.

One thing that is very hard is when she goes out with her young friend. Like where she is as I write this. I have this anxiety and I want to hop in the car to verify her whereabouts and the company she is keeping. Don't worry, I wont. But I have a lot of anxiety about it.

I saw multiple people suggest a VAR. She has access to bank records and the numbers that come and go on my phone record. I don't want to tip my hand by changing cell providers or moving my phone to a new account. These facts make it hard to get a VAR without having her question the $$ and also begin calling lawyers and PIs (I've e-mailed so far). Any suggestions on that from anyone?

If you ever shop at Walmart or Target or....

For groceries and stuff just buy it there with a big grocery purchase. Is she literally checking receipts? Do you not regularly have to pull out $100 cash for sundry purchases?

Use Google voice to make calls you don't want recorded. They are made over data and don't go into your call record.