Hello all,(wall of text incoming)
I'm writing this as a way to get it out of my brain, to see it all together. Maybe someone will read it and realize that they are on the wrong path, or the right path. I also hope it brings me just the tiniest bit closer to a closure of this awful chapter of my life.
I disappeared off this forum in early 2017, foolishly thinking that I was on the road to a successful R. I have quite a few posts to that effect. My STBXW had done some of the first steps to R, we went through 6~months of MC (bad idea) and it seemed our marriage was a better version of the one that we had had before the DDays. There was some good times, some seemingly heartfelt discussions, some nice family vacations, etc.
Boy was I wrong.
She told me multiple times as a condition of staying married that she would enter IC. She never did. I told her multiple times that our marriage would be destroyed forever if she did not do what she needed to do to heal. She never listened.
I became despondent and convinced that we would not last. The marriage flailed, sex basically stopped about 2 years ago. She got a much better job as an administrator of a healthcare facility and worked constantly, while I ended up quitting my job and being a SAHD at the beginning of the covid scare. I had lost interest in babysitting her digital life and told her that I was beginning to feel cold and uninterested in saving our marriage since she could not do the most basic things she had promised.
During the lockdown, she became angry with me and said that the kid(7) and I were spending too much time indoors playing video games together. I agreed that we did, but also replied that since everything was closed, including the damn playground, that at least we were doing a good job of quarantining and not getting coronavirus.
A week later we were alone and I started talking about our relationship and the problems we were having. She said, "I'm not sure i can do this with you anymore, you don't seem happy, and I'm enjoying my life so much." I said, "Really? After all the work we initally started, and you didn't follow through, you just want to end this now?" I explained that i was extremely depressed and had put zero effort into the marriage for a long time because of her not meeting her end of the bargain,(which was that she get IC or I divorce her) and that I was sure that she would be cheating on me again soon. She denied this and promised to go to IC again. I told her, "I'll believe it when I see it."
On Father's day (two days after previous conversation) she said, "I think I'm going to visit my father's grave." I immediately knew this was bullshit, as she never did visit it once in the previous 5 years since he died and acted totally terrified of the idea when I had brought it up before. I played along.
Then I pulled up some of the monitoring software that she had agreed to have installed on her phone as a condition of the marriage continuing.
She drove to the graveyard but never stopped there, then drove to a different location.
she stayed there for 2 hours. Left her phone in the car (she knew i could access audio and video from her phone).
I watched and watched. When she got in the car, she kissed a man goodbye and said "I love you."
I waited for to get home. I said, "Hey, so why were you at this address the whole time you were gone, which is nowhere near the graveyard?"
She said, "Oh, I just kept driving around, thinking about stuff." I then showed her the video. She said, "Oh i hoped you wouldn't find out." I asked her who the man was. She said she would not tell me. I said ,"Well if you think I'm sticking around for this shit you are crazy, I'm 100% done." She didn't respond.
I went inside and spent the rest of Fathers day with my daughter. She skulked around like the pathetic piece of shit that she is. I also realized who the man is from the address, an employee(!) of hers who is also a piece of shit and left his own kids in another state and does not have his own car. My wife had wanted me to sell my old car to this man but I never did because I had a strange feeling about him.
I put the kid to bed and said to her, "Well, now what? This marriage is over to me."
She said ILYBINILWY and I screamed "Fuck this shit, I'm leaving." and i left. I own another house that my mother rents from me and I went straight there and haven't left since.
She has never said another word about the divorce, except to acknowledge that it's happening and talk about the details.
I dug into her text messages that evening to see evidence of the shitshow.. She had been seeing multiple men for about 9 months and bragging with it to her co-workers. Complaining about our sex life to the point that they bought her a dildo for her birthday and congratulated her for cheating on me. She really fell for this guy though, and talked about him a lot. I didn't, thankfully, have to read any texts between her and him because she used some other platform for all of that.
I lost it when she went to a party two days after we separated and her new boyfriend gave her cocaine for the first time. (I learned this by having access to her texts from my computer, even after the separation, a truly bad idea) i texted her "So now you are a coke whore? We are going to have fun in court." I wish that I hadn't texted her that. It is not smart to do when preparing for divorce, I know. I have since refrained from texting her any thing besides one word responses.
I then shut down and deleted all of the apps and changed all her passwords to random shit so I couldn't access them anymore. I don't need to or care about what she's up to at all.
I got everything I cared about the most from the house and moved it into my other house (we own 2, my mom has been renting one of them, the STBXW pressured me to sell it for years but I always had a feeling i needed a backup plan) the next day. I am done with this shit. The lawyer has been consulted, papers are being filed, I am already in IC. Fucking done.
I am pissed off at myself. I cant believe i put myself through 3.5 years of absolute hell. Why? I need to figure out why i would do that. No more!
A coworker of ours (STBXW and I worked about a year together at a healthcare facility) contacted me at the end of last week. She told me about other acts of infidelity, that she would brag about to my coworkers. She cheated on me with coworkers of mine! She gave a little masturbation show to two of my coworkers at once. There is no end to the depravity of this woman. She has made a cruel mockery of our marriage and our friendship. This set back my healing even further. I was cleaning out the garage looking for things of mine to move out and found a love letter from a coworker from 2013 or 14, the first job she got after our daughter was born!!! She has always been this way, the marriage was a total sham. I have actually lost count of the # of AP's since 2014, but it's above 10... I want to fucking throw up.
I wish so desperately that i could go full NC for her for the rest of time(cannot due to 7yo DD). I could never imagine how bad this could be. I knew she was a bad wife, but now I think she is like a horror movie villain.
I live in a no-fault state. All of the evidence i saved over the years of infidelity is worthless. I'm still going to fight for everything i can get, she makes 6 figures and I make nothing (SAHD, remember). I think she will not quibble about custody, as she works a lot, but who knows. I have learned not to think that I know anything real about this woman. After 11 years, I know nothing, absolutely nothing.
I have lost 35 pounds, (I was pretty fat, not eating right, drinking too much) not eating except protein shakes and vitamins, not sleeping too well yet but taking supplements for that.. I have stopped drinking alcohol. Was taking the kid to the pool for 6 hours and going on a hike daily until...
The STBX calls and says she's sick. This is right after her facility had a patient test positive for Covid. My kid is at her house. I go and get her right away, and we agree that she stays with me until she gets test results. Two days later she texts "Can i get the kid? I feel fine." I say no, that we need test results and that that is irresponsible. she agrees.
Sunday she calls crying and says she's positive. Great. Now me and the kid have to get tested. (we did on Monday) And we get to be stuck in the fucking house again. This lady is the gift that keeps on giving. Now my mom is sick too. its likely that our test will be positive.(update, we tested negative, YAY)
If I was sent back in time and given the choice to either marry this woman or stick my manhood in a blender, I'd pick the blender.
And yes, I'm getting a STD test. Already had one back in 2016... luckily i wasn't too interested in throwing my hot dog down that hallway in the last 3 years.
At the same time that this post oozes bitterness and anger...
I'm looking forward to getting my life back. My friends, my family, my music and reading, control of my stuff. She did everything she could to drive a wedge between my life and me, and I let her succeed! And I think that that is the main reason she is finally leaving, because I asserted myself in the last year and demanded that I have time to do some things that I liked. She did not like that at all.
I have some rebuilding to do. But it will be so much more rewarding than sitting around a miserable house in limbo with a psycho.
I am doing a self-compassion workshop. It all sounds like bullshit right now but im going to stick with it, as I heal I am sure it will begin to make more sense. I know I tend to beat myself up internally to a point that is not good for me or my remaining family.
I also realize that the level of anger I have is going to eat me alive. I am working on it. I will continue to work on it. Forgiveness though? Doubtful. Maybe I can forgive myself for being so damn stupid.(hence the username) That would be great.
Do not waste your life pining away for somebody that will throw you in the trashcan with less concern than an old banana peel. It is quite emphatically not worth it at all.
