SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If it’s implying that they cheat because they hate you then no.

Just imagine how hopeless that situation would make a marriage.

If your spouse is so resentful to you and hates you so much that they use that hate to go find another person to have sex with.

If that were the case then reconciliation would never be possible. You could reconcile and do all the work needed, and then maybe 10 years down the road you forget to buy milk on the way home the day after you forget to take out the trash and all of a sudden your spouse feels a need to give a random stranger oral – because of what YOU did.

The cheat because of internal limitations and faults.

Possibly claiming to hate you after they decide to cheat is simply justification. A lot like the rapist that claims the victim was leading them on or wanted it rough.

I don’t believe my exwh hated me. I was an inconvenience to the life he wanted. But I gave him the face of respectability. His ap, as he said, was not someone you introduce to the family. Sure I got all the lines of he never loved me, but I honestly think he doesn’t know how to love anyone but himself. He probably hates me now, but at the same time he likes that he can play the victim because I’m the one that filed for divorce not him. So I believe he appreciates the ability to cry on women’s shoulders. I don’t believe he is broken. I just believe that he doesn’t have a soul.

What difference does it make? External validation or external invalidation - a person needs to know they're loving, lovable, and capable no matter what other people think. IMO, one needs to have a strong sense of self to recover from being betrayed by one's lover. If one doesn't have that sense of self on d-day, d-day can provide the catalyst to develop it. A good IC can help.

Dadchats,

What did you take from the videos you watched?

Your post above indicates your partner cheated out of anger at you, but her anger is her problem to solve. Instead of dealing with it in a straight way, she cheated and blamed you.

I don't call that hate. If you do, so be it - but again, what difference does it make?

*****

Psycho babble is actual information, just like medical babble actually helps you get well and automotive babble actually helps you to replace the right parts when your car breaks down. If you don't process all of this properly and decide these waywards who do this messed up stuff just "hate you," then you stay bitter and feel justified in giving hate right back. This can lead to never getting what you really want in life since most people don't enjoy the company of bitter people. Why not try IC? It actually helps you to understand human beings and feel good about yourself in this shit show instead of angry and in the dark.

Very good points, well & clearly stated, IMO.

There is a lot of psychobabble promulgated as good psychology, of course, like Robert Glover's description of female character, for example, though his stuff on what is essentially co-dependence is right on. (JMO, of course....)

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:29 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Agree with sissoon.

In my personal situation my FWH says he felt he loved me whilst having his affair. Okay. I am not going to invalidate his feelings. He was excellent with compartmentalization. That is how he was able to have a LTA. Nothing really overlapped in his two worlds.

But, do I have any fucks to give about whether he loved me or hated me whilst having an affair? Naw, he fucked an OW for many, many years. Had a secret relationship for many, many years. Basically, I didn't exist in his fantasy land. I did exist and it sucks lemons that he was able to make me non existent. Master level compartmentalizer and conflict avoider.

We have reconciled. He was finally able to take a good look at himself when the LTA was exposed and I guess he didn't like what he saw and determined to change. He told me he would do what I wanted. If I wanted to divorce him, he understood. If I would give him a chance, he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. He did and it saved our marriage.

But, do I have any fucks to give about whether he loved me or hated me whilst having an affair? Naw

Dadchats, this ^^^ is right. I think you are stuck at the Why stage, and that is entirely normal. Why, why, why did she do this? Why, why, why did this happen? You will eventually realize that people, even those in a relationship or marriage, do crap because of who they are and how messed up they are. It's not because their partner caused it in any way. That's impossible. We all have free will. Always. At all times. Nothing about you could ever cause her to be a cruel, immoral beeotch. It's who she is, even if you never saw this side before. She chose her horrid actions. It's her and what she can and will do to people.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:27 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Dadchats,

My earlier post has possibly been taken as the view that "she cheated on me because she hated me."

But here's the thing- I could have been anyone. Tom fucking Cruise. And she still would have cheated on me because she hated me.

It wasn't and isn't *me* that was the problem.

It was always her.

*You* were not and are not the problem.

It was always her.

Our girls were always going to hate and attempt to destroy us.

We never had control over that.

We do have control over whether they *do* destroy us.

That is all we have.

And it is enough.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 11:36 PM, August 5th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

But here's the thing - I could have been anyone. Tom fucking Cruise. And she still would have cheated on me because she hated me.

It wasn't and isn't *me* that was the problem.

It was always her.

*You* were not and are not the problem.

It was always her.

Our girls were always going to hate and attempt to destroy us.

That's the sad side of relationships with people who display strong narcissistic patterns of behaviour. You and your relationship always have something of a "shelf life" and they inexorably follow the narcissistic triad cycle: idealisation, devaluation, discard. It is usually during the final discard phase that partners fully experience no less than hellish hatred from their narcissistsic beloved. By then, the new source of narcissistic supply (the OM/OW) has been groomed and taken on so there is no more need for the narcissist to keep up the pretense. The intensifying viciousness usually serves a couple of related purposes:

1. to preserve the narcissist's self-image as "the good person" who is justified in their infidelity

2. to villify their partner, further justifying their "necessity" to find a new person "who will truly love them"

3. to make the partner explode and end the relationship thus taking on the blame for its demise

4. to retain power and control over the narrative of the relationship

5. to subdue their partners into silence, especially if the narcissist's public image is at stake

Punchline: Clinicians often cite the necessity of projecting the narcissist's self-hatred onto their partner as a means of relieving their emotional turmoil and it isn't as much about their partner as it is about themselves and their peculiar psychological construct.

Stupid is as stupid does

People that DO stupid things ARE stupid

Operative words: does and DO

Even though Forrest Gump and his mother were fictional people, most non-fictional people would agree with these statements, no?

Yet, when someone says:

Hateful is as hateful does

People that DO hateful things ARE hateful

that someone is hallucinating and needs to "try IC" ?

People can do things to other people because they are hateful people.

People can also hate other people and not be hateful people themselves. It doesn't have to

lead to never getting what you really want in life since most people don't enjoy the company of bitter people

BTW, OIN, I know what you're really saying is:

This can lead to never getting a woman since most women don't enjoy the company of bitter men

A man can hate a particular woman for being a stupid, hateful, cheating asshole and still not be a "bitter man" around other women. It doesn't mean they hate all women.

No, he didn’t hate me. He was a cake-eater and wanted the best of both worlds. He says he still loved me and that’s why he couldn’t leave me. He was selfish, broken and thought he deserved it.

Looking back my WW did some pretty hateful.. Horrible things to me during her A. Does this mean she hates me.. I don't think so.. She swears she ALWAYS loved me.. I was just forgotten about when she was sexting or away with him.. That makes sense given how she behaved then.. Very distant.. Very very quick to temper..just indifferent to how I felt or would feel

Even after DDAY she still holds to that.. Me I don't quite believe she loved me like she says..her actions spoke otherwise.. It was still all about the AP.. why filing was the only real choice.. She never looked at her actions as to whether they helped us or not.. So i don't think it is hate that kills the relationship or your chance at R.. But indifference.. If they refuse to care for you.. It will end sooner or later.

She sounds resentful and selfish. I read something once that resonated with how I was treated. It said that some cheaters will villainize their partner to give themselves permission to do to make bad choices that they don’t want to take responsibility for themselves/.

They don’t want to look at the selfish monster they are being so it must blame you instead. I don’t know about hate but it certainly is cruel. It would not make ‘sense’ to anyone else is she cheated on an attractive faithful man that treated her well....but she probably did just that .

I have a beautiful friend with an adorable daughter whose H abandoned her with the baby and ran off with an OW. He left his W and child then got OW pregnant. I very seriously doubt he describes it that way. Who wants to be THAT guy. I don’t think he hates her and her daughter but he is a very broken person.