SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My opinion and why I divorced when the line of a PA was crossed is this simple. Nothing she does will ever erase what she did.

Some say I have a heart of stone as far as this is concerned, so take it or leave it, it's up to you.

Me too I thought I was like that, and when I first found out I was ready to leave if it wasn’t for complicated circumstances. I didn’t want to tag her with adultery and couldn’t get a consensual divorce going so the separation was the only path.. I had the same feeling last night after going through her timeline it was like DDay all over. I just wanted to walk away.

I actually think that timelines should be done with help and not just rip the band-aid off, they can be too devastating.

She just ripped that band aid and it hurt so bad, I wish I knew it wasn’t recommend to get it all at once, I thought about stopping but said to myself to just toughen up and go through it. The Timeline was a punch to my gut. I admit that when I went to bed last night, I wished I never asked for it. she emailed it to me right before she left her mom’s house to pick me up to go to see the pastor. It was a PG 13 deluded version that just covered the milestones of the A, when she got home I explained that I was looking for a more detailed one. After we finished with our meeting with the pastor we talked about every point she noted. It was hard to read and hear how deceitful she was how easily she allowed herself to him, but what killed the most how I was inexistent in her thoughts. She claims it was never about the sex for her, and that the whole A was an escalation of many bad choices till she found herself trapped in it. If what she said is the truth, the emotional part of the affair started during the summer of 2018 sex started October 2018. But he started hitting on her a year before that. In January 2018 he made a crazy move making her the exclusive agent for all his properties, she knew his other intentions but convinced herself it was all business, He kissed her for the first time in July 2019 after they all went celebrating a sell of land that took very long to achieve, she told him it was wrong and distanced herself from him but he went out of his way apologizing sending her gifts which actually started the EA for her. The period between October 2018 and March 2019 was the highest state of the A emotionally and physically. she couldn’t remember the exact number but said they had sex close to 25 times during those 7 months. That was the time when they talked about living with each other and leaving their spouses, he encouraged her to divorce me and offer to give her an apartment where she can stay. She broke it off with him for 2 months because of the guilt. According to her she felt bad that she was lying to both of us as she wasn’t ready for their relationship to escalate to that point, But at summer of 2019 they went at it again after he insisted, but not as intense as before she said they had sex a total of 10 times between June 2019 and December 2019. The A took a toll on her she knew it wasn’t going anywhere. Her sister found out and she decided to stop it after Christmas. But that only lasted few weeks, that’s when he sent her a long email explaining his plan for them to live together in a different area, and that he wants to be with her the rest of his life, this is one of the email the PI reported and the one that OBS was furious the most about. it was full of BS promises. Between January 2020 till March 2020 they had sex twice both in a hotel room in Baltimore, The A slowed down after the COVID lockdown they didn’t get in contact for 6 weeks but continued messaging each other. There first meeting during the pandemic was on April 21st again in Baltimore that’s where they got discovered by the OBS, she did have sex with him twice after that. They both decided to end the A when OBS confronted them in early May. She wanted to work on herself. She started talking to a lady from church who suggested she should confess to the pastor. She said she has prof of some of the text messages between her and that lady. He was trying to convince her to resume the affair but she was done, she claims the A ended before I learned about it and messages can prove it, she also said she even tried to get closer to me during that time ( which is true BTW) till OBS sent me the letter with all evidence.

This was a summery of the timeline (written and spoken) some of the side notes that almost gave me a heart attack:

She claims this was her only A.

The sex wasn’t any special, but he was very romantic about it, gifts and poems like messages before and after, he told her some stories about his earlier struggle to perform when he was young and how he felt embarrassed by it. She did orgasm every time. they did oral sex both ways. She said that he used enhancing drugs and condoms.

Since all this started He always made sure to wish her good morning and good night every fucking day, sending her text and photos to express his love to her, I gotta give it to him for his commitment I guess. He was sending her flowers to her office every Monday that’s how the receptionist knew about the A. who does that? Is it just me who thinks this is weird? She believed that he was on love with her. And felt bad about deceiving him too. WTF??? She admitted that she liked his romantic moves and was the hardest thing to give up not sex.

She swears That she didn’t have sex with him after the heater incident and said yes when I asked if she would take a polygraph test. When I brought this up in front of the pastor, she tried to interrupt saying that she never indented to disrespect but the pastor made her shut up, he told her that she has no idea from a man perspective what that meant. Her story is they were there few days before but it was too cold so they didn’t do it fully ( whatever that means). The day I was there to fix it she wasn’t supposed to see him she thought it would take me longer so there was no way for them to plan it and she had to meet D in another house that morning. His comment “do it the right way” refers to when they couldn’t do it fully few days prior.

They never had sex in our house or his. 80% of the sex happened in WV cabin, the rest in a hotel in Baltimore and twice at one of his friend’s house They wanted to make sure all intimate contact happened far from where we live.

Tattoo has nothing to do with the A, she got it almost a year prior but (this is hard for me) their first sex came after he complimented her tattoo and kissed it. He also made it a routine to kiss her tattoo every time they did it. That ‘s why it is a bad trigger for her. 3 stars in her tattoo represent her 3 kids, tulip represent her, so I was excluded from it she offered to add my initial to it I said “Fuck no”

She showed me messages exchange between her and her former colleague D, D is mad that she was blamed for the A. and that she never encouraged her to do that. She felt thrown under the bus by my ww. My wife responded that she wasn’t blaming her and the A was hers only but just needed to end anything that relates to it. She told her that I was offended by her covering up for the affair to wish she responded “you were the one cheating on him not me” WW said that double date with D and her husband happened twice after a company event where they provide tickets to invite clients, she admitted that D never verbally encouraged her A but knew all along. She was also aware that my ww was unhappy with me and her contemplating divorce at some point.

Here is the dagger. My wife was sexually harassed by a trainer at the gym she used to go to, she complained, and he got fired. She never told me but told her boyfriend at the time, to make her safe he started sending his personal trainer who is also a friend of his to work with my ww. I asked why she never told me about the sexual harassment she had no answer. I told her after this I do not want to hear any more shit. And just went to my room.

She continued texting saying that she was sorry she just wanted to be open to me with nothing but the truth. She asked if she could spend the night in the house. I texted her it was her house too as long as you she didn’t come to our room. She ended up sleeping in our daughter room.

This morning she wanted to talk while I was typing my earlier post. I told her to give me time to digest all this info and that last night was just an exception and she needs to leave the house and remain separated. When I came back from an appointment she was still here, we didn’t talk about anything but availed herself to me if I have any more questions.

(((AHGuy)))

I'm so sorry. You need to get away from this woman. Get out please. she invested way too much for her to be a safe partner to you again. I am a woman. This is too far. I am so sorry.

She stayed home to specifically gauge how her performance did with you... Period.

The pastor told you nothing, really. And it seems clear, you even said so, that some of his words were based on what she has already told him is your concern. He specifically told you he knows her well. Is that what you really want for a counselor? Sounds like a conflict of interest to me.

You could view what he said to mean:

Go ahead and divorce. And then find a divorcee that also cheated but had a husband that would not accept the utter disrespect and betrayal. Because she'll feel bad about what she did to the first husband and will have a near 0% chance of cheating on you... Maybe she'll have a tat in an intimate location to signify the lessons she's learned and the remorse she has. That's a good sign!

Then, you essentially have an upgrade! Someone that won't cheat going forward, and never cheated on you!

[This message edited by justsayno at 12:06 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

This is pretty hard. Go take a break.

It looks like that timeline has a lot of truth in it. I won’t repeat it because you don’t need to read it again and again. Let’s just say parts where a typical WW would have usually softened the truth.

AH

I am speachless, not becasue she is an evil máster mind, or did thing with the goal to hurt you, but becasue she errased you from her Life!!! Not just the affair, but all.

How could she allowed OM to send follers to her job?? What was she thinking ?? Everybody knew!!! Same at the gym, she trusthed OM about the sexual arasement but not you!!! And send his friend, that probably talles to everybody about talking care of his friend girlfriend!!

You were totally excluded from her life!!

Sorry but IMO, It adds an extra later if humiliations

You were not even included in her tattoo!!

She has alot to explain, alot!!!!

I would be surpirised if not all her bosses and coworkers knew . For good sake she took OM with ticket provided by her work! Dime people got to ser them as couple!!

D got played by tour wife, but she is a piece if shit for smiling at you and allowibg you to fix her house

AHG - it hurts just to read the timeline. Sorry you have to go through this.

This is pretty hard. Go take a break.

It looks like that timeline has a lot of truth in it. I won’t repeat it because you don’t need to read it again and again.

Agree. You know enough. Just one man opinion. On one hand, she does look to be sincere trying to right the wrong. On the other hand, I can't see myself getting past this shit sandwich with extra mayonnaise.

I'm sorry. This is so hard.

I have to say I find it upsetting that she is not respecting your separation. Why is she there and asking you to stay there? She is not supposed to be in your space that way and it is ok to tell her that.

It really bothers me that she is supposedly remorseful but wouldn't give you the amicable divorce you wanted and now is very much disrespecting your boundaries by being in your space and offering sex and wanting more comfort from you. I wish she would stop being so selfish and give you the space you desperately need. She can't seem to get it thru her skull that sorry isn't going to cut it here and she is no longer in control. Deep breaths.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 2:13 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Man, I am praying for you. This is hard. So hard to read. Please remember to take care of your self. Physical health and mental health. Go do something that you like or go be around people that will support you. I would also suggest to do a 180 right now with her. Just so you can process and gather yourself from all of this. And, I don't know if anyone will agree with me, but send the timeline to the OBS as well. She may be interested in her WH activities with your WW.

TBH, WW is doing may things right, surely not all, but many, and in a fairly short time.

This is the most difficult time, of many difficult times.

She appears mostly honest at this point, eliminating friend and trainer, quit job. Wants to be close, but respects requests for distance. Willing to talk.

On a list of WW's doing the right things, she's getting a lot of them.

If her AP weren't wealthy and able to feed her needs with gifts, hotels, flowers, cabin, etc it would have been a very, very routine affair.

She should get rid of the tattoo on her own without saying anything just to get rid of her own trigger. (and yours)

((AH))

My heart truly breaks for you. I wish I didn't have to leave for an appointment, so much to say.

I am glad you got some truth to wrap your head around.

The pastor really seems to "get it", he is not afraid to tell your wife to shut the F up, that she doesn't "get it", her getting defensive will not help. The fact is she never will truly feel your pain.

If your thoughts are to try and R this pastor seems like he needs to be involved. There are so many bad counselors out in the world. Many will validate your wife's blameshifting and defensiveness, this pastor seems to understand that shit won't fly around him.

Take it very easy today, don't drive, eat, drink water, sleep. Tough tough day to get through.

With Love and Tears,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 12:25 PM, September 9th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

This was a lot. I triggered hard this morning reading thru it and almost felt on the verge of a panic attack myself. I took my awhile to realize that my own feeling was bc of what I read here from you.

So I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you. I’m truly so deeply sorry.

I agree with others who’ve said she basically unilaterally divorced you in almost every single conceivable way except on paper and could not do you the simple courtesy of letting you know. So many people including your own SIL knew and just let it happen.

On top of this I have to reiterate what others have said. She needs to honor the separation and leave you alone. Again she’s doing what is In her best interests, not YOURS. She needs to leave you alone to think and rest and stop coming into your head and physical space.

She gave herself over to another man completely and seemed to think of you as an accoutrement she could throw away.

Such a selfish duplicitous awful creature.

Telling you she has sex with him dozens of times but it wasn’t about the sex, telling you he wouldn’t leave her alone (see she’s without agency, accountability or reason - it’s never her fault), telling you basically everyone in her professional circle knew.

Totally explains why she was so quick to quit her job! It wasn’t about you, again it was about preserving her self image!

I just don’t know, man. Even if she’s the ideal wife going forward she won’t be bc of what she has done. It’s not just crossing the Rubicon. It’s setting the ships on fire, crossing the Rubicon and then raping and pillaging the countryside on the way to Rome.

She has given herself over completely to another man lock, stock and smoking barrel. I can’t imagine ever seeing her as anything other than damaged goods you’d be stuck with.

I’m so sorry.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:33 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

She knew her timeline wasn't going to fly but, but again she was looking out for her self. She didn't want to write it down what she did because then she can change the story later. You say she wasn't holding back, well you can say and think that but, sorry I believe you will find she is still holding on to her first. There are more things to come. Hindsight wishing you had already filed for divorce is common. She knew what she was doing not letting you know what she did for so long. She wanted to stir in you feelings to stay. If you knew all (and you still don't) she knew you would have been gone. Your stopping her from continuing, let her know that you still have feelings for her. That is why she feels better. She pushed her weight off on to you. The pastor probably knows you are sceptical about religion as your WW has been bantering it all about. He made it sound analytical, but still he was manipulating you. He had you air your feelings first in front of her made you feel like he was on your side. It also let him know where you were vulnerable. IE you don't like the thought of her with some one else. "Yes you can be happy together " if you just eat this sh**sandwich. Then sending her away he's binding on the manipulation bridge. The telling you she's not ready but she making progress. Again "if you are willing to be patient with her he promised she will exceed the expectation" WHOS? Can she give back the "one and only " NO! What weight does his promises have any way? What curve? Comparing you, her is not realistic. Then he started sowing seeds of doubt that you will never find someone who will be faithful to you. Then back to he's your friend, he sees why you can't trust her. And then more seeds any woman may cheat. "How can you be sure? "He said the probability of WW cheating again is close to 0%",really? "Will be a woman that any man would love to have as a partner " really? How about the man that says he doesn't want used, proven cheater. And then back to your weakness (don't let her slip away) "miss on the opportunity " Then "if you want to save your marriage " THE MARRIAGE IS DEAD! Now You can have a new marriage but she said it "she killed the marriage " And yes if you Forgive and work to heal and regain the trust you can make a go of it, but there is NO getting back what she stole and through away on POSOM. "It won't be easy " this hole thing won't be easy. Yah right he doesn't suggest R in every case. No D isn't easy, but she is the one that put you in this place to have to choose. "the process" Yah how do you get back what was stolen? I'm sorry for being so negative, I just feel the same bull being fed to you. Remember how much it means to the pastor. It wasn't enough to schedule you on Monday, you know most, pastors have Monday off. Stay strong. I support you.

AH,

To my mind the timeline you received is also a sanitized version of events.

A 2 year affair and sex only 25 times, but they were blatant enough to appear in public together as a couple... Just no! There was a lot more sex and a lot that has been minimized in my humble opinion.

I'm sorry, the math doesn't add up in my mind.

(2 * 365.25) / 25 = 29.22 days on average between each time the lovebirds had sex, but they openly acted as a couple. You decide if that sounds plausible. [Edit: Fixed my math also, were there any sleepovers? Remember even if they only got together 25 times for sex, a session doesn't mean they only did it once. I also am wondering if she offered him special favors, she denied you?]

Since she knows how much the heater incident is a spear to your heart, I am not surprised that she claims nothing happened after, but I'm dubious about the veracity of that claim.

I think the timeline was painful enough on it's own merits, but my humble opinion is that it is filled with half-truths and minimization.

But then again, I am a tainted soul and as far as adultery is concerned I always expect the worst.

Therefore take this comment with the caveat above.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 1:52 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Someone mentioned it before but she isn’t respecting your boundaries right now by not giving you space in asking to stay in the house and offering you sex etc.

Whatever you decide, you want to do it with a clear mind and sure that it’s a good decision. Don’t get drawn back into intimacy with her, or back into old routines such as sleeping over - it can “normalise” things and make you feel you are already on the path of reconciliation before you know that you want to do that or not. Keep some distance till you know everything and are clearer in your mind what you want to do.

Great advice, Jambomo.

AHGuy, I am so very sorry about all of this. I really do not have anything to add as far as advice is concerned, but know that we are here for you.

You should seriously consider taking some more "you" time in the near future...you need some respite.

If you choose to R with your WW, it is highly likely that the OBS will no longer be your ally. She's probably holding fire for now to allow you time to extricate yourself from your WW before she drops some nukes. Something to figure in your calculus on what is best for you.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 2:06 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Also her getting out of the real estate agency was a move to try to protect herself from whatever fire the OBS might have threatened to direct her way.

I agree with others who've said the timeline is incomplete. Of course it is. She's trickling that truth like a pro. Drip, drip, drip. Doesn't feel very good, I suspect.

But the timeline on its own merits is bad enough.

Truly awful in fact.

No, the math doesn't add up on sex a little over 36 times, or whatever it is. That's the frequency of once or twice a month. I take it you weren't having sex with her at all or very little during this time period. And she wants you to believe she had sex with him about an average of once a month when he was sending her flowers every week?

Her continued denial on sex after you fixed the furnace is stupefying given the context of the texts between them that very day.

But I have to ask if these oblivious denials and minimizations matter all that much to you. After a minimum of 36 times during a time period of about 700 days during which she unilaterally divorced you and gave herself over to him, she's basically left in body and soul.

How does she take that back? How does she fix it? One time is enough. I'm divorcing my WW bc of one time (at least the one she'll admit to). I realized she left me on that day and she's been in a weird panic mode to stuff the genie back into the bottle since then.

One time.

Your WW gave herself willingly and joyfully to another man at a minimum three dozen times.

The only plausible explanation for why she would now fight divorce is because of her own self interest. Someone who treats another human being this way for years is not interested in your healing. She's simply looking out for herself. She realized she looked a gift horse in the mouth insofar as the real lifestyle you afforded her and now she's trying to protect it.

Given her pattern of behavior, this is the only explanation that fits (Occam's Razor) She didn't suddenly wake up and realize her undying love for you, that's for damn sure.

Tell her to stop coming around the house unless it's scheduled in advance so you can be gone. Get head and physical space away from her.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:27 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Mostly a lurker. This is actually my first post. I have followed this story.

Not trying to sway you, but after the heater incident, the tattoo, the trainer, and the flowers.....if you can reconcile with that you are a saint.

Any one of those incidents alone would have been enough for me to say goodbye.

HA,

Your wife is trying to be honest, she is trying really hard. But I am afraid she is not acomplising this task.

I sensed that is her time línea she stated facts but made nuances about how she felt guilty, how she knew It was wrong, etc. The thing is that her actions doesnt match It.

It is not possible to not be so in love with OM to the point of breaking NC to confront him about Jenny, even breaking teh Word given yo her own D, months after breaking wiht OM. It doesnt make sense!

She stated was not in ir for the sex, It It didnt mean she wasnt a willing participant and planned encounter and wasent arosed by the waiting... Ask her what else did she did wiht OM forbithen to you. I bet they had a sopecial thing just for them (OM was yellow about about you, he needed to has something for them )

Her time line needs to include her feelings at the time, for him and for you!! Her real feelings not the revisoned versión.Ask her as well about fonding moments of teh A, if It was more emotional as she stated, ask her about sopecial dates, or details (like gym boy and flowers) that she experience and maybe Hilda close her Heart.

Sorry, but her actions speaks different from her statements.

Ask her, if at any time she embarcar the idea to leave with OM. Before she knew he is a cheater (by chetin on her, irony). And a coward piece if shit, if she really was just willing to spend the test of her Life with him( do you have evidencie of her rejecting this?) as her actions by letting other knew and didnt give a flying shit about you discovering her A, speaks volume. IMO she didnt give a fuck about you fonding out becasue her estoy reaction to your pain, and her demands to be willing to R, even after OBS found out. I wonder what she would be able to do if you had find It first and OM Jenny were not discovered

ask her where was her Heart and mind?

I know this is really hard for you AH.

You said the OBS confronted them in early May. That he was trying to convince her to resume the affair but she was done.

That she claims "the affair ended before I learned about it and messages can prove it".

Who knows if this is true, but let's get one thing clear, if the A ended it was NOT that she was seeing the error of her ways and deciding to do a 180 and make some sort of moral stand, HELL NO......"IF" the A stopped it was ONLY BECAUSE SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT OBS WAS GOING TO TELL YOU!!