SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

My husband of 41 years told me on June 5th of his affair 30 years ago with a coworker and that he has a daughter. He says that it was short lived (1 month) and that he couldn't get the AP to admit that her daughter was his. Both of them were married at the time. We moved into a house that backed up to AP's house when said daughter would have been a year and a half old. We were then expecting our first child. We had been married 10 years at the time of the affair and we weren't entirely sure whether we wanted kids or not, but hey, shortly after he realized he had a daughter who was clearly his because both of her parents had blue eyes and she had brown eyes like his, he decided we should start having a family. I don't think that I would have wanted that if I had known about the affair. We moved out of state and away from daughter and AP 23 years ago and raised our family. But, while we lived near them, AP and her husband were friends and were at our house with their children. I found pictures of a pool party we had and there were 4 pictures of AP in those pictures. (these pics were taken 3 years after the supposedly end of the affair) Fast forward to November 2019. AP contacted my husband and told him that daughter was doing a 23 and me test and that yes she was his as he had suspected all along. Anyway AP and WS talked about what to do and how to proceed. My husband and his daughter have made contact via Facetime and text. All of these exchanges took place before I found out. His daughter insisted that he tell his family. We have 3 sone. She wanted to meet her brothers. We always wanted to have a daughter but were not so blessed so this makes this even more hurtful. By the way, I had 3 miscarriages trying to get my three boys. Two of them are twins. I am now 61 years old. I'm in great shape and have a youthful appearance, but what am I supposed to do now? WS says that I am who he wants to spend the rest of his life with etc. etc., but this is just unbelievable to me. If there is anyone out there with a similar story, I would love to hear from you. I feel like my entire married history has been manipulated and I feel so stupid now. I also am not happy about having a daughter that will remind me of this affair for the rest of my life. Our marriage has not been great for awhile. WS says that he has had so much guilt that he just took it out on me, but now that his secret is out, he is a changed man and so free from the burden of lying all these years. Unfortunately, that burden now rests with me. I'm a complete wreck. He has now cut contact with AP, but I'm so caught up is who this man is that I married many years ago. Why didn't he try to get his daughter? I think he was protecting AP and that he cared very deeply for her even though he says it was a short lived affair. He says that after he realized he had fathered a child that it scared him so much that he never even considered having another affair over the years. I'm in a pretty deep depression. I've only told one person and that is someone I knew back then and just reconnected. I desperately need to talk to someone and I need to tell my sisters so that I have someone to talk to, but if I tell them, and if WS and I stay together, it will alter that relationship as well. Our children are also very upset and not sure about their own feelings about their father and he has not really reached out to them since disclosure day. However, he's been very active at reaching out and trying to establish a relationship with his daughter. Forty one years of marriage is a long time, but I have been so damaged that I don't know if I can live with this person who I don't know or trust anymore. I am devastated.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't speak to your experience, but there are others here who can. You'll also find a thread in the I Can Relate section about dealing with OC (other children).

I'm in a pretty deep depression. I've only told one person and that is someone I knew back then and just reconnected. I desperately need to talk to someone and I need to tell my sisters so that I have someone to talk to, but if I tell them, and if WS and I stay together, it will alter that relationship as well.

I do think you should tell your sister though and any other of your key people that can provide support. Yeah, it changes their relationship with your WH, but if you don't, you risk changing their relationship with YOU. When I was going through it, I changed so much, I was so depressed. I went from frequent, cheerful phone calls to family and friends never hearing from me. I became uncommunicative to a large degree, unable to focus on the daily things we used to talk about, uninterested in anything that was on the outside of my own head. You need your people with you and you need to stay engaged with them.

Our marriage has not been great for awhile. WS says that he has had so much guilt that he just took it out on me, but now that his secret is out, he is a changed man and so free from the burden of lying all these years.

I think maybe you're giving your WH a little too much credit here. If he was overcome with guilt, why would he take that out on you? Why would he allow his relationship with you to suffer rather than tell you the truth? Why would he wait thirty years until someone else told you? I think maybe his treatment of you has nothing to do with his alleged "guilt" and that he's a "changed man" now because he doesn't want to get dumped. Because....

AP and WS talked about what to do and how to proceed. My husband and his daughter have made contact via Facetime and text. All of these exchanges took place before I found out. His daughter insisted that he tell his family. We have 3 sone. She wanted to meet her brothers. We always wanted to have a daughter but were not so blessed

You were the LAST to find out. Instead of coming to you the minute he knew the jig was up, he accommodated the AP and her daughter. And even though we all recognize that newborn OC's are innocent, this 30 year-old woman didn't pause for a second to consider what kind of damage all this might do to you, the unsuspecting wife. For one thing, not all betrayed wives will accept contact with an OC. That's a choice which YOU get to make. Your WH apparently didn't discuss with you whether or not you wanted your sons informed. That's an alteration of the dynamics of your nuclear family that you didn't get to weigh in on. So, no... I don't believe he's a "changed man". I think that just like 30 years ago, he put himself first and you last.

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but I'm honestly just incensed on your behalf. I would recommend to you though that you tell whoever the hell you WANT... and that you see an attorney. I'm very similar to you in age, so I can identify with how scary the notion of starting a new life on your own might be. At this age, we might have many more wonderful years, but those years ahead aren't so plentiful that any should be wasted in misery.

((huge hugs)) You're going to be okay. The pain is terrible, but it's also temporary and finite.

I am so relieved to get feedback from all of you so quickly. Thank you!! I forgot to mention that we are in counseling, both together and separately. I feel like I need to talk to someone everyday. Our marriage dynamics are altered so much right now. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Not even a little bit.

I really have no words...By keeping this information from you, your WS basically took any choice you may have made back then (how very selfish and self serving). Please think about what you need for the rest of your life (it may not be him). I'll bet your sons would support you no matter what you decide! I'm the same age as you (very healthy and active) and I would say it's time to enjoy life the way you deserve. Check out the healing library on this site and maybe step back and use the 180 (even the modified 180). It looks like he hasn't taken you into consideration yet, so it's time to say "to heck with you, now it's my time to think about myself"! I'm so very outraged for you!

This is big time trauma. I cannot imagine how you must fee.

I agree, get support from your sisters and anyone else that is close to you.

And, I also agree that your husband's alleged guilt has nothing to do with any mistreatment of you.

This guy has big time character flaws.

Michlife1,

I am so very sorry. What a shocker, especially at a stage in life where your boys are essentially men and headed or are on their own. This should be a time to enjoy your life after raising your children.

I can certainly understand that you question the last 30 years with your husband, and I understand that you question that the A only lasted one month. Hmmm.

Does AP's husband know? What is his response? I can certainly understand that you want nothing to do with her, and I'm glad your hubby has gone no contact, but it seems to me to be reasonable that you reach out to him.

I agree with others that you should see an attorney about your rights if you stay married and if you don't. Also, I'd find out what the legal obligations and any expectations of your WH are to his daughter. Could AP's husband sue to get back support for the daughter that he helped raise? What rights does the daughter have now? Who is listed as dad on her birth certificate? Are your wills current? Life insurance and pension beneficiaries? You want to be involved in any changes of beneficiaries that your husband may feel obligated to make. Like others have said, he has not included you in critical decisions. Don't let him do that with any assets or obligations in the future.

I am so glad you have your boys. I'm sure you don't ant to burden them on a regular basis, but my guess is that they are just as confused and feeling as betrayed as you are. Be there for them and be kind to yourself.

My advice.... remove yourself from the situation for a good long while.

I believe that you need to get away from him for an extended period of time, I suggest that you grab a friend and go travel to someplace you have always dreamed of. After a week or ten days, drive that friend to airport to fly home, and have another friend fly out to you, and continue onto the next stage of your trip! This initial stage should last AT LEAST a month, the same amount of time as he was sleeping with his lover. Also tell him that HE IS PAYING FOR IT ALL!

Then maybe find a furnished apartment and stay there good a while. It doesn’t matter if it is in downtown area, beach community, or mountains. It is up to your own personal preference. To start, at minimum stay for 90 days so that you can think about what YOU want from here on!

I always say that marriage is like a stool in that it his held up by three legs:

Trust

Respect

Love

Do you really think you could ever trust him again? If he is 10 minutes late, are you going to wonder if he is in bed with another woman?

Was he respecting you when he was taking her to bed, while you two were deciding whether or not to have kids of your own? Was he respecting you when you moved right behind his lover’s house??? And if you lived there first, he should have confronted her and told her there was no way she was moving into the house behind yours. If he needed to threaten to tell her husband he should have. Was he respecting you when he allowed you to become friends with her and her unknowing betrayed husband? Was he respecting you, years after the cheating supposedly ended, that he allowed her to come over for pool parties???? Are you telling me that when she walked by him ina bathing suit, he never smirked thinking about the cheating?

Can you survive in this type of marriage? Do you WANT to survive in this type of marriage? And I used “survive” intentionally because that is all you are going to be doing.... surviving!

And FYI, his cheating and the affair didn’t end 30 years ago. It ended in June when he was forced to tell you out of fear that the love child would tell you or meet with your sons and tell them everything. It MAY have ended 30 years ago for him, but it is all new to you. And for the last 30 years, he has continuously lied to you!!!

I would also suggest that you tell him that he will be taking a polygraph to see if there were any more people with whom he cheated!

And go NC with him until you have healed and know what you want to do. Obviously stay in touch with the boys, but have them swear that they will not share any information about you with the cheater, and they will not give you any information about him.

The no contact is best and fastest way for you to heal.

The cheater says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Well, to be honest, he has ZERO say in that. This is ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

You are still young and have the rest of your life!!!

Don’t fear the unknown, fear regretting not doing something you believe you should do!!!

Good luck and stay strong.

You can and will do this!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 10:58 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

I forgot to mention that we are in counseling, both together and separately.

I'm glad you're getting therapy for yourself. I hope your therapist is just for you and not shared for marriage counseling though. Typically, we don't recommend MC this early. The therapist is there to treat the marriage, not the trauma of the newly betrayed. And frankly, your marriage didn't cheat. Your WH did. So, you don't have ANY responsibility for his choice to be unfaithful and then to lie about it for 30 years when he KNEW there was a child out there.

Cheating is about CHARACTER. There's a gap between the cheater's stated values, like honesty and fidelity their actual deeds, cheating and lies. This makes the cheater capable of rationalizing his actions and saying "yes" to perfidy. And that flaw is still there, uncorrected after 30 more years of marriage, as witnessed by his casual denial of your agency when he was contacted again by the AP. He's learned nothing in 30 years, because if he had, he'd have come to YOU first. I have to doubt that this is new behavior on his part, but rather a long-standing habit of putting what he wants ahead of what you want.

In many ways, by failing to inform you of his affair back then, he's tossed you in the trunk and denied you choice on all the most important events of your life. You might have divorced him back then. You certainly wouldn't have lived next to his OW or had her over for parties. And as much as you love your boys, you'd have loved any children God chose to send you with an HONEST man who might have valued you more.

Marriage counselors can't do justice to the injury. They're basically just mediators looking to find fault and grace on both sides. But right now, your WH has all the fault and no grace to speak of. He's a thief who stole your life. Until he "gets" that, until he understands he's got a deep flaw in his character which needs remediation, he's not good enough for you. And certainly you shouldn't have to deal with an MC looking to find the mote in your eye and then acting like it's equal to the beam in his.

Anyway, make sure you've got a therapist who's just there for YOU. Hopefully, s/he'll be well trained in trauma and infidelity.

((hugs))

So glad your H is now “happy” and unburdened. (Eye roll 🙄 here)

I have no advice that hasn’t already been offered but I am so sorry for you. And your sons. They deserve better. So do you.

Michlife

The cat‘s out of the bag anyways… Think the daughter won’t tell anyone? What about your sons? Your husband? The daughter’s existence will be known, and word will spread. Your family will know, so it’s better that the info comes from you or your immediate family rather than is spread as a rumor. So, by all means lean to your family for support.

Will they view him differently? Probably. But it’s called consequences. It’s called reality. It is what it is. If you decide to reconcile from this, then good family will support you on that path and will treat him accordingly. If you decide to divorce… the same.

Some people tend to think a person’s character can be firmly defined by one act or event they took part in. I personally think a person’s actions are what you judge them by, but not only past actions. Actions and reactions. How does he respond to his new role? Does he step up to the plate? Is he willing to acknowledge the damage done, accept his responsibilities and work at atonement? What is he willing to do to make this right?

I wonder if those that insist you can only “survive” in a marriage impacted by infidelity think the founders of this site only “survived”? This site is a witness to the ability to reconcile, just as it’s a witness to the reality that not all marriages can reconcile. That’s why we have a Reconciliation forum and a Divorce forum. Infidelity can never improve a marriage, but the work done to reconcile could, and that work would then get you out of infidelity. Just like a divorce plus work on detachment would do too.

Even with that in mind you are under no obligation to reconcile. You are totally free to reevaluate your marriage and what it stands for. You have every right to question his past, if there were other women, if he cheated previously or since. You have every right to not want the other woman in your home or life – even if the affair was all those years ago.

Heck… you have every right to not want your husband in your life anymore.

I do want to address one issue:

The daughter is not to blame.

This is totally on your husband and the other woman.

If you can then allow her the closure she wants and needs because as an adult she will be contacting her blood-brothers and probably her blood-father. I think accepting this and acknowledging it irrespective of how your marriage goes is inevitable.

Wow. That is a stunner. He literally had a complete second life. One sometimes reads about this sort of thing. To me, as a dad who raised two kids with my current wife and feel exhausted from the amount of effort, I can't even begin to imagine how somebody does that.

There is a thread over in "I Can Relate" called "For Those Who Found Out Years Later". In addition to the pain and trauma associated with infidelity, these types of situations add the sense that all of the intervening years between the A and the Dday were a charade or a fraud. The pictures of the family gatherings with the AP and the OC must be just truly awful for you.

First, remember that, though the actual sexual A might have been 30 years ago, to your emotions, it occurred on your Dday. Recently. If the marriage is going to have any chance at all, your WH needs to realize this and needs to act as if he was caught in a sexual affair on Dday. I point that out because he has had 30 years to process it and, as you describe, Dday was an unburdening for him. From his perspective, it was a good thing. Life is better for him.

Which gets me to empathy. Empathy by the WH is the fundamental building block of healing a marriage.

Finally, my observation about the "Found Out Years Later" threads is that a big difference-maker is the quality of the marriage leading up to the Dday. In your case, you said you have endured a mediocre-at-best marriage leading up to this. Your WH has been putting this burden on you without your knowledge for years, forcing you to live a life you weren't happy with. That, as noted above, is the same as carrying on the sexual A during those years. The depth and profundity of his betrayal is so profound.

Here's some more information on my dilemma. At some point in the past year AP contacted me thru Facebook. Funny thing! I didn't remember who she was!!! So I asked her. She told me and then I'm like oh yeah!! Our old neighbors. My husband is not on Facebook so she used me to find him. We chit chatted back and forth about the kids and so forth until she finally asked for WH's phone number so they could "catch up". I , of course, gave it to her!! OC asked repeatedly if she was adopted. AP lied to her over and over again. AP contacted WH hysterical about what she should do. According to him, he told her to tell OC the truth. In February of this year OC asked one more time but this time she gave family names and state and asked her mom if she had had sex with someone with that last name and address. AP again denied and again called WH hysterical. He again told her to as he put it, "Tell her the fucking truth." And then she called her back and told her the truth, finally. So OC and I have been lied to for many years. On the third day post DDay, I wrote a heartfelt letter to OC. I did't send it right away but I did end up sending it about a month ago. In the letter I told her that had her biological dad been given a chance, he would have loved her with all of his heart because we always talked about how much he wanted a girl. Of course little did I know that he already had one!!! I told her he was a good father to my boys and that we would welcome her when she was ready. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when WH spoke to OC on the phone. She asked if AP had contacted WH through Linkedin. WH told her the truth. No, AP used me to find him. OC commented about being tired of her mother lying to her. So, I feel bad for her and I don't blame her for this. Now, I am just going through this process and trying to adjust to my lack of trust in both myself and WH. I'm trying to hold my family together, but I am not sure if that's possible. We are now not communicating. He works out of state during the week in a high stress job and that is making this recovery even harder. I have gone there and spent time with him and we have had some good days, but things fell apart this past weekend and I don't feel like I am a priority. He has shown a great deal of remorse and I believe him. He professes his love for me and wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy. I just don't know if that's possible or not now. That's my dilemma. Am I going to be able to forgive. Am I going to be able to heal from this? Thanks again to all of you for your comments. BTW, I have spoken to an attorney about what responsibilities he has toward OC, so that's covered. I now need to talk to a divorce attorney for advice if this goes that way. I want to reconcile, but I'm terrified and honestly, I'd like to just be able to experience joy again.

I would suggest that you reach out to the betrayed husband of the AP. Do it without telling your WH in advance. That person would be a good source of information about the A. You can share intel.

I would suggest also that you read about The 180 (in The Healing Library -- yellow box, top left of page). This is NOT a punishment for your WH, nor a gambit to make him act in any particular way. Rather, it is a way to give yourself some psychological space so you can clear your head and focus.

He has shown a great deal of remorse and I believe him.

It seems too soon for him to experience true remorse. Regret? Probably. Guilt? Maybe. Remorse, though, that requires empathy, and I don't know whether your WH has gotten to the place where he can empathize. Ask him how he would feel if you told him that one of your sons was the biological child of another man with whom you had a sexual affair, and you lied to your WH so he would raise that son as his own.

Also, ask yourself honestly what your husband would do if that were the case. Would he leave you?

I want to reconcile, but I'm terrified and honestly, I'd like to just be able to experience joy again.

It's way to early to think this way "I want to reconcile." Give yourself time to find your truth. It might take years, by the way, to find your truth.

In the meantime, I commend you for your kindness to the young woman, your WH's daughter. She has no fault in this and is an innocent. In fact, she sounds like she has suffered under a conniving, lying mother.

(((Michlife1))) I'm so sorry for you. No...I'm actually royally pissed off for you. But beyond that I have nothing to add on that topic that won't get me kicked out of SI.

What I can shed light on is that I am in the same shoes as your sister. I can shed light on what it's like to find out that your brother-in-law cheated on your sister. And she'd not just my sister, she's my identical twin, which is a whole different bond.

They had been married 25 years when she found out. She only found out because AP died, and her mother and sister called my brother-in-law and asked him to go to another city and escort them both to the funeral. It was my sister and his 25th anniversary that day....and he went. I about wanted to lay in wait for him and kill him upon his return.

They survived it. Their 40th anniversary is this year, and are happily married still. I refused to be in his presence for at least 6 months. I couldn't trust myself, and it was their problem to fix, not mine.

But eventually I came to terms with what he did to her. I will say our dynamic changed. It's healthier to a large extent. My sister is difficult to live with for a lot of reasons and I used to feel sorry for him sometimes. I don't anymore. And one thing I refused to do was avoid the topic of infidelity in front of him. I'm not nasty and I don't purposely bring it up, but I won't avoid it either. He doesn't deserve that kindness from me, and he needs to be reminded of the message that I will always have my sister's back. I have a great relationship with him years later, but before all that I used to call him bro. I don't anymore.

So tell her. Tell her before she finds out some other way. If she does she'll want to kill him and be pissed at you as well. Spar her that.

I have reached out to the betrayed husband. We have emailed, but he doesn't seem to want to continue to converse and he's using his work email which I am not comfortable using as a means of communication. There is more information that I want. They divorced 10 years ago when OC was a senior in high school.

Charles Kuralt had this second life deal going on. These guys can , apparently,,really compartmentalize, I guess.

First, all of this and more:

This is big time trauma. I cannot imagine how you must fee[l].

I agree, get support from your sisters and anyone else that is close to you.

And, I also agree that your husband's alleged guilt has nothing to do with any mistreatment of you.

This guy has big time character flaws.

I agree with Chamomile Tea except for this:

And even though we all recognize that newborn OC's are innocent, this 30 year-old woman didn't pause for a second to consider what kind of damage all this might do to you, the unsuspecting wife. For one thing, not all betrayed wives will accept contact with an OC. That's a choice which YOU get to make.

The whole thing sucks. Terribly. For you and your kids and the OC. I simply cannot imagine - but please don't take this out on the OC (it doesn't sound like you are) but Chamomile Tea's comments make it sound like you are in some way more important in this whole thing than the OC, and that's just not true.

You and the OC have much more in common than you realize. Just as you have just found out about your WH's history and the betrayal you have suffered at the hands of someone who is supposed to have your back no matter what, the OC has also just found out that the life she thought she had wasn't reality, and that her parent was the one that betrayed her. She is stuck with your WH being her biological father - much like you are stuck with him being the biological father to your children. This is a BIG deal - and I do recommend that you go to the "I can relate" forum as talking to other people who have lived through this can only help you.

My mother had and A, and my half-sibling is a result of that - the dreaded OC. I would never, in a million years, tell my sister that she had to be careful about her biological parent's spouse's feelings in regards to contacting her father. Luckily for her it was not a secret by the time she was old enough to remember...but but but...that's too big of an ask IMO for someone in that position. My mom ultimately married my sister's father, and he had two children from his first marriage that he had physical custody of (his ex was a nurse and worked overnight shifts so it was easier for the kids to reside most of the time with him). His kids, and me and my other sibling were all my half-sister's siblings - she grew up with us - and she attended their graduations and weddings etc along with the former OBS, and as far as I know, no one made it "strange" for her. In fact, she went on a vacation with my step-siblings and their mom (the former OBS) at least twice I can recall, as did she go with me, my other sibling, and my Dad on a few vacations.

When all of this happened with my mom, and I was pissed off as my mom-s A was a huge secret - we didn't even know my future step-father existed until they had been having an A for 2 years! I wanted nothing to do with her future child and I made no bones about telling her that - I was absolutely going to hate her in my mind. I was a teenager, and one of the things that has stuck with me my entire life from that time was my Dad telling me this when my sister the OC was born: This is not your sister's fault. Do not do yourself the disservice of treating her in a way that is disrespectful as you and I both know she does not deserve it...be as mad as you want to at your mom, but that's as far as it should go.

There was more, but at that moment I made a decision to really grasp that, and know it. I made peace with it at that moment. My mom and I had our issues but my half-sister and I never did, and I am grateful for that as I know it would have been wrong to do so.

Unfortunately, it's not a choice you get to make as far as contact versus no contact with the OC - it's a choice she gets to make first, and then of course your WH's choice about whether or not to see her. If you give him some kind of ultimatum about contact with her, I can't imagine that will make you feel any better, and it won't be helping her - the other innocent party. I understand that you have been hurt and so has she. It's a shit sandwich for both of you. Navigating this, and the whole host of feelings that go along with it, will be difficult I'm sure.

All that aside, if you feel like you want to separate from your WH, then you should. Honestly I don't know what would bother me more: the A and the lies or the fact that he was pretty certain his own daughter lived on the other side of the fence from you and he ignored it. Who does that?

I'm sorry you're here - I can only imagine how you must feel right now.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:13 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Hi Michlife,

I'm so sorry you are here and I really have no advice to give you for how to proceed other than to say that you need to put yourself first right now and deal with this thinking selfishly for a bit I think. It sounds like your WH's job affords you some distance already and that seems a good thing. I think I'd tell him for now to just stay at the job site and not come home.

One thing to remember is that it doesn't matter that this happened 30 years ago. You found out on June 5th so that is the start of all of this for you. You have a long road still ahead of you I am afraid and you shouldn't feel rushed to do anything. This might be old news to your husband and there is an adult child but this fresh, new trauma to you and it should be treated that way.

If you read around on this site you will find out that there is almost always more to whatever story you first get and I don't think you know everything here. Your WH tells you it was a short-lived affair (1 month). Cheaters almost always minimize the length of the Affair. This 1 month date is 99% to be untrue. You moved in next to the AP supposedly after the affair had ended and the child was 18 months old. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the Affair continued until and past the time you lived as neighbors. Again cheaters lie and as you've seen the AP is also a liar, 2 peas in a pod with your WH it seems.

I think you do not have the truth and as we always tell people around here you can't Reconcile without the truth. I don't think that saying applies just to Affairs that happened in the last month. I think it applies here as well. I would dig in on the details to the extent you can and I bet you will find out there is more.

Chamomile Tea's comments make it sound like you are in some way more important in this whole thing than the OC, and that's just not true.

So, the OP is LAST... again? Her needs come behind this complete stranger, is that right? Her agency? Her right to determine who she allows into her life and into her family? Her WH, his AP, and this 30 year-old woman (who should have developed some basic empathy by now) have all put her LAST, and she should just suck it up and tolerate it because once upon a time, the AP fucked her husband?

Chamomile Tea - PM me if you would like...we don't need to disagree further here as I don't think it's particularly helpful to the OP.

My point was that they are VERY similar. To not be empathetic to both of them equally would be difficult to do IMO. I feel for both the OP and the OC immensely, and having been the BS and being directly related to an OC, I can't imagine not feeling terrible for both of them...because they are both the victims of the APs.

This is all part and parcel of infidelity - the unfairness of it all. The AP and the WH in this scenario CHOSE to screw over people they were never supposed to do that to. In the case of the OP it is her WH. In the case of the AP, she chose to screw over the OBS, and then he chose (assuming he knew that was not his child) to raise the OC as his own. In the case of both of them, they "knew" the OC was not the OBS's child...but the OC gets to find out via some fucking online DNA site. Holy shit. What a mind fuck for the OC too. It's totally fucked up and there are three people who have had to deal with this mess.

I hate infidelity and I don't blame the OP if she wants to leave/kick him out. I don't blame her if she does not. But unfortunately burying your head in the sand about the OC and pretending they don't exist isn't fair to the OC either. So what do you do???

That is where all of this is so difficult - I don't have the answers for the OP. My only advice is to figure out what you can and can't live with and then figure out what you can live with that you think will make you the most happy in the long run. All of these things are going to take time - and take as much of it as you think you need to reach some kind of clarity for YOU.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:40 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]