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Next year will be our 50th. About five years ago I found out about an affair that happened in 1981. It was a long term affair, but he ended it. The last five years has been me healing from the devastation the knowledge of the affair caused. I’m sure my children and family will want a celebration of the 50 years date. I don’t want any celebration. I don’t think there is any thing to celebrate. What can I say to those who want to plan a party, etc. obviously, no one knows except a few of my dear friends, our adult children don’t know, and I hope they never do. Suggestions on how to handle all this.

Ouch! I can honestly say I know how you feel. My WW's married boyfriend broke up with her; too. That has left me dealing with the distinct feeling that I came in "2nd place".....the consolation prize.

Here's a wish you find peace and comfort.

PS - We have grown children too. And like you I hope they never find out what their Mom did.

What can I say to those who want to plan a party, etc

Here's your answer to tell them...

About five years ago I found out about an affair that happened in 1981. It was a long term affair, but he ended it. The last five years has been me healing from the devastation the knowledge of the affair caused. I’m sure my children and family will want a celebration of the 50 years date. I don’t want any celebration. I don’t think there is any thing to celebrate.

I see no reason what so ever not to tell people about this as it is the reason behind it all.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 4:34 PM, August 28th (Friday)]

My advice:

Let your WS tell them there will be no party.

You can explain exactly why to your WS - and your WS can make sure it doesn't happen. Leave that burden to them. Why should you be the one to deal with it?

Or you could just tell them this:

I don’t want any celebration.

If they ask why, tell them whatever you want. Tell them that you have regrets. Tell them you have had problems and don't feel like the marriage is worth celebrating. Or tell them you don't want a party because of COVID (it's unnecessary risk right now anyway) or whatever.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:02 PM, August 28th (Friday)]

My advice:

Let your WS tell them there will be no party.

You can explain exactly why to your WS - and your WS can make sure it doesn't happen. Leave that burden to them. Why should you be the one to deal with it?

This. Love it.

(((Clueless921))) Is your marriage healing? I wasn't sure from your post. Is your H working towards R, or are you in limbo. My response to your post would be based on an assumption that you and your H are reconciling.

For me, I needed to change my perspective about anniversaries in order for me to heal and create new memories. Imo, my H divorced me the minute he stepped out of the M. Therefore, when I found out, years after the first A, I had been married 18 years while he had not.

On our 18th anniversary our lives were chaotic. We were separated both in IC and many other therapies. After talking with all 4 therapist, we decided to take a trip together. All precautions in place, this for me was not a celebration. It was a distraction. Parts of this trip were hard, however, parts were healing and the start of a new M.

In the last 6 and a half years my H has bent over backwards to live up to the commitment he made to me at 3 days past d-day. Which was, that if I agreed to not D for 90 days, he would spend the rest of his life being the H that he should have been all along. He has kept that commitment.

On our 23rd anniversary this year, we will renew our vows and i am so happy. None of this means that I have forgotten the past or the pain. On the contrary, we have learned to walk through this together.

Anyway, what ever you decide for your 50th, I hope it is a way forward for you.

Hi Clueless921. That's quite a pickle! I read your post this afternoon and have been mulling over a response pretty much all evening and into the night.

I can only imagine how you must feel. My W cheated a few months shy of our 10th, which is nothing compared to five decades.

I think this is one of those times when authenticity makes all of the difference. If you don't feel like celebrating, then don't. When people ask, you tell them the truth. "I don't want a big party." When people ask why...

"...because our marriage died long ago and I don't feel that a celebration would be honest."

People will get it. Marriages die. Half of all marriages (at least in the US) fail. Divorce is common. I think that will suffice for most people. The ones who really love you, respect you, and value you, won't ask questions, although one would hope that they'll have an open ear should the deeper truths suddenly coming pouring out of you.

If that happens, btw, if you feel the need to tell someone, then let it all go.

It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to be honest, authentic, and damnit! It feels soooo good to be able to just... let it all hang out there...

It's okay to be human. Most people get that (some are clueless).

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:29 AM, August 29th (Saturday)]

My situation is very similar to yours. My husband had a very brief affair in 1977 with my best friend, who stayed in our lives for years after it ended. I found out about it in 2015. I am so devastated at how he allowed his affair partner to stay in our lives. It has completely changed how I see him now.

Our 50th Anniversary was last November. Because our 3 married children were told about the affair, I was honest with them and told them I did not want a big celebration. That the 50 years were not what I thought they were, and did not want to be forced into faking a happy marriage. That we were working on reconciliation and that their father and I would celebrate it quietly, in our own way. They were fine with this.

To avoid the well wishes from friends and family, who knew nothing about the affair. We booked a 2 week vacation away with the anniversary date being in the middle of our trip. They “assumed” it was to celebrate our 50 years, we neither acknowledge or denied this. We just said that it is always nice to travel.

My husband fully supported me in how I decided to handle this. I knew that he was disappointed, because we had talked for years about how we would celebrate our 50th. He “got” that he created this situation and that having me in his life was more important then putting on a fake smile for friends and family.

We had a nice vacation. And on the day of our Anniversary, we had a quiet dinner, a bottle of wine, a beautiful card with his thoughts written it, and we celebrated where we are now.

Of course, there was some sadness of that day, that seems to be part of reconciliation. Good days and sad days, are now a part of our life. But the good days are coming more often then the sad ones. This will always be a part of our history, and I am choosing to learn to live with it.

I am sorry that you are in this situation also.

I understand wanting to protect your children's view of dad, at the cost of diminishing their view of you. I don't agree but I respect your decision.

You are unable to stomach an anniversary party which shows how deep this goes. Every time for the rest of your life when the kids bring up how great dad is, you appear to them to be ---- I don't know how good you try to cover it up----but it is not authentic with them. People at the very least, depending on how good of a show you put on, feel this. I can't imagine the energy it takes keeping this up. Especially if you are close to them. So sorry your WH has put you in this position. I don't recommend lying as an excuse, that just adds to the stress of this. You can say "no party", but making up an excuse will dig into your heart a little more every time one is necessary. Good luck with what ever you decide.

My advice:

Let your WS tell them there will be no party.

You can explain exactly why to your WS - and your WS can make sure it doesn't happen. Leave that burden to them. Why should you be the one to deal with it?

I second the motion. If your WH understands and empathizes with your pain, he will handle this issue.....and not add any additional guilt on you.

Let your husband tell anyone and everyone that you don’t want a party .he created the mess .. . my WS had a short A in the 80’s and then a long very PA and EA in 01-02 .. DDay was late O2 .. EA restarted mid 03 PA restarted 09 .. because it was long distance and they only saw each other a few times a year . I didn’t suspect an A .. I did have A gut feeling that something was off .. but couldn’t find proof .. I would check his locations and couldn’t find anything wrong .. .I has told WS back in 2003 that on Our 50 there was not to be a party .. so my WS wanted to have something with family ie a trip .. I was Ok with that we created great children I can celebrate that , but we couldn’t find anything that worked for our family so that never happened so we went to our timeshare and were celebrating our 50 alone .. low and behold I discovered the A had continued for an additional 16 plus years .. the day after our 50 th .. d day 3 my world fell apart he asked for a year .. the past year has been up and down. .. but he is working hard to show me he is here for me .,

[This message edited by dancin-gal at 2:56 PM, August 29th (Saturday)]

Sorry, but I am I the truth camp why carry a burden that has been thrust upon you? Here's an idea. Make your WH tell everyone. It's a good act of penance.

if you have not told anyone or just a few it would appear that

you did not want anyone to know about the affair. so it makes no sense to tell everyone now about the affair.

Have a party. What's wrong with a party? Celebrate where you are now.

I will answer that telling my children about my WSaffairs is not something I want to do .. the AWas about the WS and me .. no real connection to my children and grandchildren .. he hurt me .. he hurt the children distantly .. he was a good father , involved in their lives .. what good would be achieved by telling them about the affair?

As for having a party it is to celebrate 50 years of a good faithful marriage .. my feelings about a party is it celebrates Marital fidelity .. with a party right now there is some some untruths .. he cheated. I can not stand up and drink to a toast of 50 wonderful years .. there was a lot of hurt along the way .. bad decisions .. 20 plus years of A bad behavior .. I can celebrate my children and my grandchildren they are the positive aspect of my relationship with my WS ..

I learned of my dad’s cheating when my mom asked me not to plan a 25th anniversary party for them. I was surprised, but lived in another state so it was easy for them to keep it from me.

I talked to my dad about it at the time. To get his side of things. It was hard, and when infidelity rocked my world I told them immediately and it brought up a lot of stuff for them.

I don’t know what people thought when they didn’t have a big party that year. We have kept things low key since then, and my parents have now been married 60 years, but my mom still asks for no big celebration. I respect her choice. If you don’t feel like celebrating that way, no need to explain to anyone. I like the idea of going away during that time to avoid having to answer questions. In my case, I’ve told the truth about my marriage when it comes up. I don’t feel it’s something I need to hide.

Wowzer............What a timely and applicable topic this is.

Today, I searched our home for all pictures from our wedding. A framed portrait of my WW in her bridal gown, our honeymoon photo album and a couple of individual framed pictures went straight to a County waste disposal site. When I find the wedding album - and I will find it - another trip to the waste disposal site is going to happen.

Since I found out my wife's A was going on in the period leading up to and after our wedding, our anniversary date has become a pariah. Any articles related our wedding will not be tolerated in the home that I live in. Nor will any reference to our wedding date be acceptable in the future.

To celebrate the worst possible breach of trust is something that will no longer be allowed in my life. It has to be completely purged if there is any real chance of reconciliation. I am now looking for a new start time from which to attempt to rebuild our relationship.

So, you don't want to celebrate your 50th anniversary because of the breach of faith by your WH? Here's a virtual hug and 100% support from another casualty of an affair.

RaleighGuy, from your story...

Every few years something happens to dredge this all up again. It can be as simple as a scene in a TV show or movie where someone is cheating. Other times, I have no idea what makes it well up again. But inevitably, I go through a period reliving all the emotions from the time of the discovery. For the last 3 months I have been in one of those periods again – and it has been much worse than almost any of the other times.

She says the affair ended before we got married. But there were things in the letters that are not consistent with that. Plus, I have believed since day one that this was probably not the only time she cheated. Statistics back me up on that suspicion – although she swears there were no others.

I don’t know the whole story of what happened – but have a driving need to know. Since joining, I have read of others that actually had a lie detector test administered. That’s an avenue I never considered. For the time being, I am searching for a marriage counselor to FINALLY get this out of my system. Joining SI is another part of my resolve to try to bury this once and for all.

Yes, this is the primary reason I am here as well. Nit to t/j, but for Clueless921, you, myself... the brutality of human betrayal can last a lifetime.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 11:45 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]