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Has anyone been through an actual trial? Is 8 hours like you see on TV with attroneys going at each other. Each one badmouthing each other. Or is it like a court for driving tickets. People get pushed through like cattle.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 11:47 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]

If you do go to trial the lawyers will make a nice little paycheck. Most all of the divorces I have known about did not go to trial. In CA you need to go to an arbitrator/mediator who will go through a lot of the conflicts and try to trade things back and forth make it fair, like she gets the good china and you get the everyday stuff and any countertop appliances, she get that 84 inch tv and you get the three 49 inch tvs.

They also talk about support, XW floated that idea and the mediator said looking at your work record and that you and MB both make ok money, no judge in LA will sign off on that request.

Unless you have a large expensive complicated lifestyle (and the $3k bunkbeds indicate that you may) the courts don't really want you to go before a judge. They want things clean and easy. Cheaper to have a judge sign off on an agreement than do a very expensive trial.

From what I've seen in FL, both parties appear in front of a judge and essentially argue their sides. Assuming neither can come to an agreement, the judge will offer an opinion and ask the attorneys to further negotiate for their clients, but not in the court room.

So, no, it's not like where you sit for hours in a court room and they call witnesses and the attorneys argue back and forth. You'll be in a court room with other couples waiting to stand in front of the judge, at different points in their divorce process, some just beginning, some near the end.

This is why mediation can be helpful. A mediator is not a judge. He/she is a person (usually an ex-attorney) who is well versed in the law and can offer an insight as to what an actual judge would say regarding your position as you negotiate. I think mediations can also be ongoing, as in multiple sessions. You can see how this could add up. $$$$

But if she's pulling this shady shit, you need to get it in front of a judge who will see through all of it.

is it cheaper to have multiple mediation sessions or 1 big trial?

I think the rule of thumb is that it’s cheaper and better to keep it out of court if you can.

And, unfortunately, her lawyer is going to blow smoke up her ass letting her believe she's totally justified in asking for whatever.

I'd bet even the mediator won't convince her she's being unreasonable.

It is going to cost what it costs....

I assume your attorney is running a parallel track for mediation (if it works) or trial (if it doesn't).

Looking back on my situation, the legal, accounting, and planning fees/costs while the focus of attention at the time, in truth it was the best money ever spent.

Just assume the worst case in legal fees and when you come out ahead go on vacation with the money :).

Yes running parallel tracks. Get forensic accounting started but in meamtime working on settlement. I like my attorney, she said she will tell.me if its not work fighting over and drive the costs up.

My attorney is 600 dollars.an hour yikes but she is supposed to be one of the best in town. She doesn't think highly of opposing council. Yikes, imagine an 8 hour day in court. She make 8 hours what some.people make in a month.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 8:20 PM, September 26th (Saturday)]

My attorney is 600 dollars.an hour yikes but she is supposed to be one of the best in town. She doesn't think highly of opposing council.

$600 is not terrible when calculated against the costs of incompetence. Imagine getting stuck with lifetime alimony? Your X is already playing transactional games with the LLC's and I suspect we can safely assume more, there is alot of work ahead.

Yikes, imagine an 8 hour day in court. She make 8 hours what some.people make in a month

Yes, my attorney originally scheduled 2 full days in court, it was done mostly to flush the other attorney out of her comfort zone. Just consider it a life expense calculated against a toy/vacation/other investment. My accountant actually did a spreadsheet showing the returns on the initial investment (divorce). It outperformed several other investments...bittersweetly of course.

My trial was originally scheduled as a jury trial (per the X's demand). They requested 4.5-5 days as there is voir dire, getting a jury seated. The attorneys expect it to take longer because they have to thoroughly explain some of the more complicated financial issues. When the case got bumped from available jury weeks again, the X said he'd agree to a bench trial if I'd agree to do it immediately. So there was a lot of prep for jury trial by the attorney that wasn't needed as I agreed to bench trial(it had been 2 years waiting on jury trial!)

Since the judge didn't need the complicated explanations it was 3 days but it ended after 5 pm on a Friday night. The attorney's didn't bad mouth each other. But his attorney not happy with mine - he had represented her husband in their divorce. There is expense for witnesses as experts expect to be paid. At the end the judge mentioned his plans for certain aspects. Then each attorney wrote up the divorce with their own slant and submit to judge. The judge can pick one or alter it to fit his ruling. Then you wait for judge to come up with the wording and sign. If you are lucky, it is just a couple weeks. I have never been lucky & set a state record waiting to get finalized.

my gosh, that should trial would be 100k easy.

Tell your lawyer you want to have it in writing that you both split the cost of the divorce 50/50. Which is common.

Then let it get back to her.

My gosh. Another dream. I am.doing the 180 in the car while we were.driving, then she just jumps out and admits ok i had an affair. If you want I will give you more money in the split. I told her no, i just want a loyal wife. I wanted to tao talk to her some more tobget all.my questions answered but then i woke up. I was so angry I woke up

Did many people have dumb dreams like this during the divorce?

Yes, I had 2 this past weekend, after going about a month without one. At least they weren't nightmares this time.

Everyone knows the story of her narcisstic traits. I keep havimg the flashback to the time before I found out. She was playing the i mentally scarred her routine and she wanted me to.move out of the house to give her some space to see if she still loves me.

I was lying next to my little twin girl and I asked my wife what does she think she will be when she grows up. My wife said hopefully she doesn't turn out like her and get stuck in 10 years of a bad marriage.

Is that another form of verbal abuse, gaslighting, control?

[This message edited by Vonbock at 8:16 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

Yes it is, absolutely. In the first place It takes two people to make an unhappy marriage. Secondly, if she was that unhappy she could have spoken to you, worked things out with you, or even left and divorced earlier.

You know now that she’s just a mean and nasty woman. Don’t listen to anything she says, especially when it comes to things like threatening to use IC against you - she has no special powers to know what looks good/bad in court, when she says this stuff, go straight to your lawyer and ask her opinion on it.

Put as much of her contact through the lawyer as possible I.e if she asks for money, pay a bill etc - speak to the lawyer. The less you have to interact with her now, the better.

Is that another form of verbal abuse, gaslighting, control?

Just run-of-the-mill assholery. Minimize your contact with her. She's trying to get a rise out of you.

Words only have power if you give them power. Sticks and stones...

Stop seeing her as your wife. She's a stranger.

Vonbock, unless you have 20 people going on the stand, there is no way you're going to do 4-5days of trial. It is not as bad as you think, so stop stressing about it. I know, its easier said than done, but coming from someone who has gone thru it, you are really overthinking this.

First off, like others have said, stop listening to your WW. Don't talk to her. Anything she tells you should be in writing. IF she says she is going to use your IC against you, you now have a threat in writing to use against her. She can say whatever she wants, thats not how the law works. You get too worked up over what she is saying.

Stop talking and listening to her. Even stuff she says about the kids is a bunch of BS. Learn to decipher what is and what isn't valid and let it all go. Going to IC is not going to be looked at badly by the judge. Your wife cheated, you went to IC and you should also get IC for the kids. Judge will look at you fondly, for staying on top of things and taking care of the kids. Stop listening to the shit coming out of your wife mouth. There is no legal impact based on her bullshit.

You are not at indifference, you might think you are, but you are not. You still care too much. It will be awhile, and thats okay. Its a journey.

Get the forensice accountant, get the details and work on building up your relationship with the kids. Don't worry about the ex, don't worry about passive aggressiveness with her. Just work on you.

Going to trial is not likely, most settle at the court steps right before. You probably won't be any different, unless you find shady stuff from the forensic accountant, that might help speed up your case

You are right I feel like i am indifference but I am not. I am so worried about the mediation, what she is going to throw at me, etc. I am at the stage where I dont care what she is doing with bf. Injust want this to be over so I can move out and start my next stage in life. Maybe the fear of the unknown of what is going to happen to me.

The fear of the unknown is always the most difficult part. We all want to control the outcome, but this is something that your lawyers will work out for you. There is no point in worrying about it.

Just to add, you're not mediating. Stop thinking that. If you are mediating, you don't use lawyers the way you are.

Let your attorney do her/his job. Let your accountant do his/her job and you will be done before you know it. You will have plenty of life to live after this. Just trust in the process and have faith. It will all work out.

Your life will improve after this. You just have to go thru the hard part right now. It will be over in 12 months.