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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:27 AM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

No, I get what morningglory is saying. It's not that your life can't suck for reasons totally out of your control. It can. In this particular set of circumstances it reminded me of when people say they're staying because "the next guy might cheat too". When used to justify our own inertia, it is a defense mechanism. Kind of like saying no one is happy anyway, so why bother?

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:28 AM, Sunday, July 10th]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5051   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8744068
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 1:26 AM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

Haha, Dee, I'm guilty as charged regarding my increasingly jaundiced world view: I guess I do think that nobody is really all that happy, especially after Covid, lockdowns, violence, all the nonsensical crap going on, etc. all of which makes it easier for a "fence sitter" type to conclude, as you put it: "why bother?"

But my explanation goes more like: "There's a better-than-even chance that, at age 71, if I somehow managed to get this man out of my life, I would end up with a life a lot like all my other old lady friends, who pretty frequently moan about their lonely lives." Not very appetizing, either. I don't think of my lack of closure with this M as "inertia" so much as some fear of the unknown along with concern for his life, too. He funded this lifestyle that I'd never have achieved alone.

But I know it's true that people come up with "justifications" like this for not making scary changes and I'm guilty of that from oh, 20 years ago. And I was like 80-20 GTFO for 18 years!! Then Covid lockdowns came, and I totally freaked because, among other atrocities, it meant I was locked down with HIM - just me and HIM! Plus I had to cook a couple meals a day, since all the restaurants were closed. Lost my appetite, dropped 20 lbs., and realized I'd been having him take me out to eat for 18 years as a way to detach from "married life" but now the State had forced me to live my life like a married person...and others were less fortunate. After 2 months into the lockdown and my new routine with my freaking "bubble" mate, I ended up in the hospital almost dead. It was a wake up call, I guess. That's why now I look back and think all that attitude I carried around, did me little good.

Lionne used to say if she were 20 years younger she'd have left. I guess I'm in that camp. (Although I had enough asshole men in my life before this one came along, that I take a dim view of ever meeting a decent one at this late stage. It's possible, though. If that's what someone wants.) As I've said, I admire those who know how to build a happy solo lifestyle!! I'm not into living solo, even though I've already had a ton of isolation in my life, and 15 years single before this marriage. My BFF who has been single for decades and is 78, is so much more a "loner" type than I am. She's like a cat, goes her own way, capricious, has enough money to do what she wants when she wants, yet I feel bad thinking of living life the way she does.

How do you do this?

So not meaning to rain on anybody's parade. Let's all find our peace, as blackraven says.

[This message edited by Superesse at 1:30 AM, Sunday, July 10th]

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8744069
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:40 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Superesse, I think a lot of it is that you have the human capacity to adapt to just about anything. It's what made us so successful as a species. I think you've lived under a black cloud for so long that you forgot what it's like not to. That you wound up in the hospital almost dead when forced by circumstance to fully live in this marriage tells you a lot, though. I think there's a vast difference between people who are lonely and people who are on their own because they escaped a miserable situation. I think the air just tastes differently when you've escaped something. For me, every minute I stayed was like having a full-body itch and it was only relieved the day I left. I'm betting you're a lot more miserable than you even realize, and that's saying something. I get that it's different when you're older, but I also feel like you'll live longer not being with him than you will if you stay. You're under a lot of stress. Let's say you outlive him. You'll be creating a solo life then regardless. So you are kind of stuck with the choice of never having a better home life or waiting out the clock and being forced into the solo life anyway. This could be decades away.

You don't like the idea of living on your own, but you already know that you don't like the reality of living with him. One route is already known, but the other has possibilities.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5051   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8744181
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Dee, thanks very much for responding to my story. I smiled at that pithy summary at the end!

You are right, I've obviously acclimated to a situation I shouldn't have. Like always having to keep an eye on where my internet "hot spot" is. Like always sitting within eyesight of him if he asks - and he asks - to use my computer to do his online business research, rather than going to the limited-hours public library. I feel that's a reasonable request from a guy who runs his own business and often needs rare parts shipped from everywhere to fix his clients' multi-million dollar collector cars. Still, it's a drag having to babysit this kind of thing, but then I always have to remember I'M the one who set my boundaries where I did when I could have - and many would have - finalized a Divorce.

With SAs, we are advised to figure out what our boundaries are, and for me it was (1) he cannot live here and own any internet-browser-capable devices (we recently had a time finding a "dumb phone" when our provider upgraded to 5G.) And for me, (2) no more sleeping in the same bed with a guy who doesn't recall his vows, until I could somehow know he wasn't that kind of person any more....and I never have been able to 100% know that. Hence I've lived celibate and separate for the last 20 years, which ironically, I would be doing anyway if I made him move out! This way, I rationalize, he buys gas for our trucks and tractors, takes me to lunch, and will soon be my emergency contact when he accompanies me to a medical clinic for a scary follow-up procedure like he did 3 years ago, since I could have had a shorter life like my mother (I was fortunate they found an advanced colon polyp in time to remove it and am due to go again now.) Trade-offs, I guess. Having no family or support network to substitute for his pragmatic support is another factor I know influenced my decision.

I've offered my story also for those who might wonder what staying with a "recovering" SA could look like, long-term. I just don't know too many "fairy tale happy endings" to this kind of "marriage." Of course, the term "recovering" is a very imprecise description of anyone with this deep-seated problem. (I'm not sure if there is 100% recovery from SA. But that's another topic.)

[This message edited by Superesse at 8:08 PM, Monday, July 11th]

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8744219
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:19 PM on Saturday, July 16th, 2022

Today I'm dealing with yet another stupid reminder of why my stated boundaries for allowing this SAWH to live here maybe aren't going to be realistic in this high tech world. Just wanted to share how maddening it is, even when you know it's not a big boundary violation, that the knee-jerk reaction from an SA seems always to be: gaslight and/or deny deny deny, rather than an adult response of "seriously? Let's see what happened and wow, this is bad for both of us!"

Husband is a mechanic. Today's vehicles are highly computerized. He got to a point where to do his diagnostics on customer vehicles, he needed a newer-era "scanner" which can read fault codes the newer vehicle computers put out when things go wrong. So he orders it and lo and behold, it needs to be "activated" by going online. Any online capability often has a built-in browser, which happens to fall on the far side of my big Boundary NO. Oh crap. This was not advertised when he ordered it over the phone. Okay, so he either gets the update or the $1400 tool is junk. So I sit there and he got the thing registered and then I watched as he turned off the wifi. Of course, I knew the damn thing will reactivate its wifi the next time he turns it on, but it will generally be somewhere NOT IN MY HOUSE in range of my "hot spot." I actually don't even care that much what he does with it outside MY home but inside these 4 walls, NOPE, I need my home to be my safe space.

So today, he was sitting in his easy chair (and said that he was) studying scanner codes from his own truck air conditioner (which our dogs act like isn't 100% as cold as they expect it to be!) I got done reading stuff online and went to turn off my mobile "hot spot." I notice it says "Devices connected = 2." I tell him this.

His response: "No! I'm not online....See, Everything is turned off!" He shows me a screen full of little symbols, which I wouldn't know what is actively on or what is dormant. Anyway, I am getting the same exact "No, you shouldn't believe your lying eyes" as always, after I tell him I have seen the damn device count? I ask if it wasn't his scanner trying to connect to the internet, then what the hell was it? He shuts it down and it notifies him it was in the middle of downloading another background update. I hate those background apps!

Meantime, I STILL got this 4-year-old response to alerting him to my boundary violation even as he is sitting there using this online-capable device we both know carries a built-in browser AND he should understand I cannot see what he is doing with it from across the room, yet he expects me to believe him?

I actually do think he was just doing his mechanic data analysis, but I hate how he got instantly defensive and stupidly expected me to accept that? It shows me he still doesn't get that a more adult reaction would have been like WTF, let's see what's going on here, rather than to instantly DENY the connection. That just makes it all seem more sinister to me. See why this will always be a trigger? It's not "the final straw" type violation, but it's one more bamboo shoot under the fingernail and why I said the other day that my decisions are still "subject to change."

I need to think about this one.

[This message edited by Superesse at 5:58 PM, Saturday, July 16th]

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8745033
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

Superesse, I've been thinking on what you posted and I don't know what to suggest. I think I'm confused on it. If this comes across badly, please know that I don't mean it to, I just want to understand. I'm getting that you have been celibate and not sleeping with him for 20 years. Hey, I don't want to sleep with a sex addict either, so I get that. I just don't know what your relationship is when you have that in the mix. It reads like you're roommates more than spouses. OMG I know how this will sound, but if that's the context, it's like you're trying to control your roommate's sex life? I haven't been in a long-term relationship with someone I knew was a sex addict so I might just be ignorant of what that can look like. I know sex becomes an entirely different thing when you add addiction to it. I just don't know what I don't know, I guess. Is this what it is to be married to a SA for decades? Does sex just leave the relationship? Do they need to become celibate, like a heroin addict needs to be sober and shouldn't drink or smoke weed?

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5051   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8745288
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:35 AM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Oh Dee, you ask me to try to clarify what is the deal allowing the offending cheater/SA to stay on but just as a roommate? Tough job! Let me see...

Simply summarized it's Safety: mine and his.

When we were newlyweds, he was 39 years old and I was 46. Early on, he once confessed that making love actually "scared him!" I never understood that at all, until all the garbage came out 4 years later. Turned out his whole sexual history before our wedding day - including our 4 year dating relationship, unknown to me - had been with Prostitutes! He never allowed any of Them to get emotionally close to him and the idea of marriage = emotional closeness was turning into a big THREAT, I take it.

Because before me, it seems the only woman he ever HAD BEEN emotionally close to was his Mother - however, from his earliest childhood she was physically and emotionally incestuous with him. Stories came out very gradually...but a totally F'd up family background I had no inkling of, as he'd lied and lied about his overseas family during our 4 years of dates. I had no way to verify any of what he told me during those years, only occasional joint phone calls on a holiday was my exposure to them, right up until the week of our wedding. Anything he mentioned about his family/culture, I would interpret in light of his parents still living together, so I figured his parents had to be "healthier" than mine, who'd divorced when I was 24.

But the night of D-Day 1 in 2002, I withdrew to another room in my little house to sleep alone. To feel SAFE. I was terrified! He had taken over paying MY home's mortgage, as I had quit my job 2 years earlier. Then just prior to D-Day we had jointly used MY home's equity as the down payment on this farm and added another massive mortgage! Talk about trapped...at age 51, I felt every negative emotion you can imagine, but "leaving" was NEVER an option: he had moved into MY house!

As we did the whole counseling bit, I did the whole trauma response repertoire we just talked about, of feeling empathetic towards the suffering bastard, wondering how the heck he got so messed up, etc., yet I couldn't ever "paper over" the trauma his actions continued to cause me. So night after night, I made my bed on the couches in my dining room. And one year became five....then ten, now 20.

Unlike probably everybody else on this forum, he and I had just hung out as platonic friends the entire 4 years before we shifted to a committed, sexual relationship AFTER MARRIAGE. By D-Day at year 4 of marriage, I was also starting to go through menopause. So that part wasn't hard for me, but it also wasn't hard for HIM, apparently. Never again has he expressed a wish to explore resuming anything physical. I think my visceral reaction to betrayal scared him right over the edge, and from that edge he wasn't coming back! I am not the shrinking violet type!

At first, I put his physical distance/disinterest down to a classic case of the SA's "sexual anorexic" stage I'm sure we've all read or heard about. But year after year, no change? And then, years of suffering and struggle to try to heal just led to more betrayal, anyway, as was predictable I suppose (but it's too long of a sad story for anyone to grasp.)

To your bigger question: does a SA need to withdraw from sexuality in order to stay "sober?" I'm not sure, but you know what? I wouldn't bet against it! They can't trust themselves, I think. I think there is a spiritual element to this as well, but I'll leave it at that.

As for me controlling my roommate? After D-Day 2 and the post-nup, it came down to this: "My House, My Rules. Period. Nothing slimey going on behind my back under this roof - or you're OUT." Not hard to grasp. My lawyer confirmed in 2014 that he forfeited spousal rights when he signed the Agreement and Deed of Gift, so from then on, he is living here 'at my pleasure.' If I ever discover he cannot put this issue behind him? Well, I'm all out of more time to give this set-up. It's his choice. I can only stand so much doubt, and the other day was one of those days....triggered a lot of feelings of disappointment, even disgust that this guy hasn't learned how to build trust, but knee-jerk reacts like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Yuck. Even if innocent: yuck.

Hope all are doing okay with the heat and all, our old dog wishes it was Coooler.

Typos as always...

[This message edited by Superesse at 4:55 AM, Tuesday, July 19th]

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8745350
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 12:18 AM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Hi everybody. I think of all of you often and send enormous LIGHT to the universe that you are thriving, not just surviving this hell hole that is SA. Any type of deception is terrible but SA adds a level that is just beyond understanding.

We are celibate roommates and have been for a long time. During early recovery I tried to get to some normalcy (we really never had a normal sex life) but a few nasty reactions from him, and several relapses with porn-vicious, ugly, violent porn, I completely lost my interest. I have a totally dysfunctional perception of sex. For me. I look at my married children and believe they have escaped that particular neurosis.

I think about sex a lot, not in a yearning or obsessive way, but I see other couples and wonder if they have a normal bedroom. It's beyond my capacity to understand because my experience is so crazy.

I THINK he is sober. He again has full access to the internet and frankly, I don't care what he does. I absolutely believe I should feel safe from this scourge in my own home, but realize I cannot guarantee it at all. So I cultivate apathy.

Last time I caught him with porn I threw out a comment that I'm not proud of..."do you think either of these wonderful women who are married to our sons would EVER let you within a mile of grandchildren?!" True, but still I'm not proud of it. Well, we have a granddaughter, he just adores her. I don't think he would risk it, but an addict, right?

So, life with SA. It is an ongoing life long disappointment that I didn't ever have a normal life. I had mild expectations. I just wanted someone to love me! Addicts are usually mentally ill in some other way and IMHO are just not capable of love.

I am happy. I have a rich and fulfilling life and we have enough money to do fun things, although we are still careful. We share interest in many things that we do together. We will be the other's support person through old age and illness. But we don't have that connection that I see in other people and wish we did. It's a great source of sadness and resentment that I fight by counting my many blessings.

Love to all of you. I'm so glad this safe space exists.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8498   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8745608
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 5:47 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Superesse

I hate how he got instantly defensive and stupidly expected me to accept that? It shows me he still doesn't get that a more adult reaction would have been like WTF, let's see what's going on here, rather than to instantly DENY the connection

Nope. It won't happen ... well, perhaps he can grow himself up a bit if he works a solid recovery program but ...

I've heard it said that addicts freeze emotionally at the age at which they first start using. It sounds like your SAWH was abused throughout his life, so my guess is that his emotional maturity is that of a pre-teen. That, 'wasn't me' reaction is to be expected when looked at from that context. Add to that the shame that SAs feel, and as soon as they feel any guilt, they go to that shame-lying-deception "if you know who I really was you wouldn't love me" thinking.

They are kids. I don't know if they even know how to be honest when they want to.

Just a thought, but if he has to access the internet, you could ask him to put something like Covenant Eyes on it. That would alert you to any inappropriate sites he goes to. He could always get an iPad and keep it in his car and not connect it to the filter, but that wouldn't be in your house.

posts: 338   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
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secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 9:13 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

FWIW.

My therapist likes to remind me that the 12-step group for DH is good for maintaining his sobriety. But, it doesn't do anything to help them be in a real relationship with a partner. For that, IC work is needed.

So much work.

I don't really have any boundaries with my husband. I just have one. I don't have sex if I don't feel safe. Other than that, boundaries are pretty useless. The porn is only part of it. Even if we could go low tech, that's only part of the equation. There's the scanning/fantasizing over real women he sees too. How do I make a boundary over his vision and his memory? Even setting a boundary that my husband could never leave our house again won't work. Because my husband can still remember.

I also can't predict with 100% certainty what circumstances I will be living in a month from now, a year from now, or 10 years from now. I mean, I might not even be alive 10 years from now. I can't even get through a week as expected these days.

I think we have an understanding. I am free to stay or go, as I see fit, depending on the circumstances. I don't feel locked into any particular course of action.

That's not to say that he can do whatever he wants and he's shielded from the consequences. It just means that I reserve the right to figure out things in real time, when they occur.

posts: 1078   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8745785
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AllIam ( new member #79188) posted at 2:03 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

I want to be done. I want to move on. I get tiny glimpses of a new life, maybe meeting someone new; someone who makes my heart feel full again, someone who didn't lie and betray me repeatedly and purposely for over a decade.

Even a peaceful new life alone sounds tempting. I could leave the fear and triggers behind and eventually forget the heartache.

He says he's a new man. Hasn't acted out or looked at porn for at least 12 years. A polygraph helped verify some of this but another part was inconclusive. I have doubts and because I've been lied to for so long I probably always will. I've seen all the statistics about how hard it is for a SA to change so why would my husband be any different?? He was a classic serial cheater who tells unrealistic stories about what he did.

He thinks he's doing the work, but in my eyes, he's doing the bare minimum. He's not leading the recovery journey and gets impatient because I'm floundering around like a fish out of water. He trickle truthed for years. We're less than 6 months from the last new disclosure. (Not about recent happenings, but about the past that he wants to keep hidden) He 100% knew that trickle truth destroys trust but he did it anyway.

I'm FULL of resentment and hurt from his stupid choices. He always told me we were meant for each other (and still does) He made me believe that I was special to him. I thought our marriage was perfect--he told me so. He made me feel like a fool. We always had such a good time together.

I've been a SAHM and had to go back to school because I'd been out of the work force for so long. I'm financially dependent on him. A new job will be on the horizon soon, but I'm still scared. My new career will pay less than half of what he brings in and I'll be new, working my way up from the bottom.

I really want to leave, I plan to make an appointment with a lawyer today because I need to go over my options and look into legal separation.

BUT, what if??? What if he really did change, and how do I let go of that huge pang of jealousy/hurt in my heart when I think of him moving on with someone new. She'll step into what should have been my life. We'll have to split custody so I can't put blinders on. I'll probably have to hear all about the new step mom. I'd rather crawl into a hole and die. This is one of the hardest parts for me.

I need to let go for my own sake. I've been stagnant in the same spot--frozen and unable to make a decision. I know I'm not healing and this thing is taking a heavy toll on everyone. Even my therapist gave me a gentle nudge to either move on or to try for reconciliation.

Yesterday I noticed that my hands have a slight shake to them. I've been repeatedly traumatized. (I've had at least 14 D-days)

I truly love him and we've been married for so long that i dont know what life is like without him--hes always been there. How do I get the courage to leave my old life behind and make that blind leap? I hate him for doing this to me.

Talk me over that ledge! How do you let go of someone you still love? I *think* I'm ready.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8747631
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:14 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

BUT, what if??? What if he really did change, and how do I let go of that huge pang of jealousy/hurt in my heart when I think of him moving on with someone new. She'll step into what should have been my life. We'll have to split custody so I can't put blinders on. I'll probably have to hear all about the new step mom. I'd rather crawl into a hole and die. This is one of the hardest parts for me.

It is common that it doesn't matter whether they change or not or how wonderful they can become, they broke the relationship. It just can't survive. This is an extreme amount of trauma to put on a partner. It can't ever be what it was again afterwards. I have serious doubts that it can be better than we believed it was before we knew. Very few of them truly change and never cheat again. We never forget what they put us through. There's always the possibility of relapse hanging over your head. Always. Their actions cannot be undone and we are forever changed.

But let's say that he's one of that small percentage who can change. Let's say that your fears are realized and you divorce him and he goes on to have a healthy relationship with someone else and treats her well. Let's say you have to deal with the stepmom thing. Let's say she's a decent person who is good to your kids and they come to care about her. Why is that bad? That is honestly the best case scenario. That would be a fantastic outcome. You could get out of a marriage that causes you misery and you could be splitting custody without fear.

Trust me on this, the jealousy over him will fade and die with distance and time. You'll fall out of the last bits of love with him. You'd be too busy feeling free and not having that anvil hanging over your head to want him back. A peaceful life alone is such a beautiful thing. New relationships with healthy people who haven't betrayed you are beautiful too. Withering away in misery because you're afraid to let go of someone who hurts you isn't a beautiful thing. It will take years off of your life. Belive me when I say this, you'll come to the point where you'll just hope he's better to the next woman because you'll not want anyone else to suffer like you did. I heard that my XWH had a new girlfriend a couple of years after I left him and the only emotion I felt was pity for her and the hope that she'd see him for who he was quickly before it got too serious. I genuinely hope that he becomes mentally healthy and can have a better life from here on out. Probably not, but I really wish it were so for everyone's sake. I don't want him in my life ever again either way. I loved this man deeply, but love will die if you allow it to. We have to let ourselves stop loving people who aren't healthy for us.

You're still getting trickle-truthed. He hasn't changed enough to be safe. The likelihood is that you'd be avoiding the next DDays by leaving. In the unlikely event that he'd never cheat again, you'd be stuck being miserable with someone you'd be crazy to trust.

It is not healthy for home to not feel safe. Home should be your refuge. It should be a place of peace and comfort. Yours isn't and likely isn't going to be if you stay. You deserve peace and happiness and joy. You do. You owe that to yourself. You've been through enough misery and you didn't deserve that. Sometimes we have to be our own best friends and get us out of bad spots.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 6:16 PM, Friday, July 29th]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5051   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8747705
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AllIam ( new member #79188) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

[BUT, what if??? What if he really did change, and how do I let go of that huge pang of jealousy/hurt in my heart when I think of him moving on with someone new. She'll step into what should have been my life. We'll have to split custody so I can't put blinders on. I'll probably have to hear all about the new step mom. I'd rather crawl into a hole and die. This is one of the hardest parts for me.]

I think it bothers me so much because it's the life I really want but can't have because of my husband's idiotic choices. The life I spent years dreaming of is finally in within reach. We had big plans and I put my dreams on hold while waiting patiently but it won't happen for me. Someone else will get to step into my place.

They weren't there through thick and thin. Things were tight early in our marriage and we struggled financially. I encouraged him, gave him pep talks, never complained and worked hard to help us get where we are today.

I stood by his side not just as a lover, but a partner and loyal friend. He blew it all up and it's so unfair. Yes, I'm whining, but I think I'm allowed given the circumstances. (I just gave myself a huge pity party!)

Thank you DevastatedDee. You spoke to my heart and said what I needed to hear.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:59 AM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

AllIam, you are allowed SO MUCH of a pity party. Seriously. You're right, it's crap. It's ridiculous that you can't have that version of your life because he wrecked it. It's completely unfair. That is such a genuine thing to be upset about. I will gladly hear you rant about that. I get it. I lost that too and I did my fair share of ranting. Feel it, it's legitimate. I used to rant about it to myself and then take me out to do something nice for myself. That helped, even if it was just getting a milkshake or whatever.

It is unfair and it is so stupid and it is such a waste. Yes.

So the next steps I took were to recalibrate my life plans and come up with something new. It still amazes me how much happier I am being completely in charge of my own future and life. I have less money, a smaller house, had to sell my very cool classic car, but I have forged a different life and I like this life. It's so free. It's so much mine. I do what I like and I don't have to worry about a partner cheating on me.

I don't care what life my XWH is leading. I don't care if he gets the things I wanted too. That is not my problem. Any future woman he's with will be married to a serial cheater/sex addict and ew no I do not envy her. No matter what dreams he's ever able to fulfill or what life she winds up living with him, she'll be married to that guy. I much prefer my new life to any other version that includes being married to him. I mean just imagine getting the life you really want but being at risk of STDs from your partner at all times. Nuh uh. I'd rather be happy in this small house than miserable anywhere else. It's about happiness, not about the particular circumstances. Happiness is achievable at many levels of life and in many destinations. I recalibrated my plans to be more about happiness and peace than about any particular goals.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5051   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8747731
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:09 AM on Sunday, August 21st, 2022

AllIam

I stood by his side not just as a lover, but a partner and loyal friend. He blew it all up and it's so unfair

That’s it right there. I was so supportive every step of the way. But it was never the life I thought I had. I married an illusion - and lived a fantasy.

I just remember that not only did he violate his marriage vows with his infidelity, he put me AND OUR CHILD in harm’s way. One affair cost him his job (I didn’t know the why and believed the gaslighting) There was also the risk of STDs, jealous husbands with guns, he could have been arrested, or fathered another child with an OW and had to pay child support depriving me and our kid of our financial security.

When I asked him, My exSAWH said he never thought about the effect it would have on me and our family, and then he said "and if I had, I don’t know that it would have made a difference I was in so much pain." I can feel compassion for his pain, but he’s still broken.

So I left him when he lied through a reconciliation attempt, even lied through his clean polygraph. And that was after months of inpatient rehab. He still does therapy and group. But when we have contact, I still see the dysfunction two years later and I’m relieved I don’t have to live with it any more. I don’t live with the moods, and his playing the victim and the enmeshment with his family. It’s so liberating.

She'll step into what should have been my life”

No. She’ll step into a relationship with a Sex Addict, who will be an addict his entire life - and whose chance of a lifetime of sobriety is about 2%

Mine had a gf within weeks (another sign of his dysfunction). He claims he’s completely honest with her. It was hard at first, but then I realized that a) I don’t know if it’s true b) it’s unlikely to always be the case. C) I’m setting an example for our child with my actions. No one needs to tolerate abuse, even emotional abuse. If I don’t demonstrate how to make healthy choices, my child is unlikely to make them. She already lives with the wounds of being raised by an addict - even a high functioning one

Now I am at a point where I just don’t care what he does. All I know is I don’t live with his chaos anymore and that’s a good thing. I’m still finding my way - lots of therapy to figure out how I ended up here - but at least I have the chance for a happy and satisfying future, and that wouldn’t be the case living with him.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 6:21 PM, Sunday, August 21st]

posts: 338   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8751333
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:34 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

An admitted adulterer is now the king of England. Not the first time there's been infidelity for sure, but it is the first time that the skank he was cheating with became queen.

I hate it when they win.

posts: 338   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8754394
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