SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rspec,

You said your wife did the hard work of R, and has been remorseful. You are always going to feel stung from time-to-time, but your wife continues to be by your side and loves you. "What more can you ask? You gave her forgiveness and she honors that forgiveness every day according to you. But maybe you are taking this obsession a little too far, and you are stealing precious moments from your marriage. Don't let the "perfect" be the enemy of "good" and find a way to let go. I also think it's a pride thing with you, it's a dangerous trait that can rob us of our future. Stay strong.

survrus

Just to clarify.

We have been married for 36 years. My W had the A 5 years into our marriage. I discovered the A 5 years later. She told me it was only an EA. I didn’t believe her but I excepted it and rugswept. After the next 5 years after suffering from anxiety, depression and guilt she told me it was also a PA. Again I forgave her and rugswept. Earlier this year it hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s what brought me here.

RSPEC,

I too found out 25 years ago about that my husband had cheated on me. I was only given a little information, you know the i can't remember or I forgot answers. It was all rug swept, from the information I got it was twice with one girl from a bar when he was working out of town and then again on another occasion when he was working out of town again in another town. I know some people feel that if its a ones it isn't that bad, I'm sorry but disagree, it hurts no matter what the situation is. I was completely faithful to someone who was out having the time of his life while I was at home taking care of our children.

I forgave him and moved on, he seemed remorseful and stopped drinking,

4 years ago it all came out again, I had been catching him lying about something so little and him being secretive, He worked out of state and I was ready to walk out the door, He told me he had been drinking when away from home again, He's always been very friendly to everyone, very flirtatious around women, he never thought he was flirting but when you're married there are lines you don't cross. He has been to counseling, he still has never told me the story about everything, I want to know the details. This has always been painful for me and these past 4 years I realize I should have left him at least for awhile till I could have figured out what I wanted/needed. I feel he got away with everything with no consequences, i still get the i cant remember or I forgot line.

I don't agree that this is an obsession, this is a deep hurt that we as a BS are left to deal with pretty much on our own. No one knows how deeply we are hurt within ourselves. We gave our all when we said I do to someone who didn't. This hurt doesn't go away you somehow live with it a day at a time. Some days are good and some are very hard. I know I don't look at my husband the same way, I love him but not like I used to and that hurts. Best of luck to you.

Lillotta83

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can relate to everything you are going thought. You are 100% right when you say “BS suffer in silence!” I love my wife so much and she loves me deeply. She was very remorseful and continues to empress sorrow when I feelIng down about the A. However, like you I can’t look at her in the same way I did before I found out about the A. I can’t look at photos taken of her or those featuring both of us before the affair without experiencing emotional pain. It just kills me! As I said in my earlier posts. I was going along fine for about 10 years and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was triggered by the COVID. Being stuck at home with my W 24/7 could have been the catalyst. I shared the pain with my W while crying like a baby. I was totally open. My W was very upset, said all the right things and comforted me at every moment. This time around I asked a hundred questions about the A and she answered every question. My W also feels pain but it’s totally different to my pain. Her pain is caused by guilt, shame and regret. My pain comes from a broken heart. I’m no expert but I think that a broken heart trumps guilt, shame and regret by a 1000 to 1. Thanks again for sharing your story and for the support. I really appreciate it.

Lillotta83

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can relate to everything you are going thought. You are 100% right when you say “BS suffer in silence!” I love my wife so much and she loves me deeply. She was very remorseful and continues to empress sorrow when I feelIng down about the A. However, like you I can’t look at her in the same way I did before I found out about the A. I can’t look at photos taken of her or those featuring both of us before the affair without experiencing emotional pain. It just kills me! As I said in my earlier posts. I was going along fine for about 10 years and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was triggered by the COVID. Being stuck at home with my W 24/7 could have been the catalyst. I shared the pain with my W while crying like a baby. I was totally open. My W was very upset, said all the right things and comforted me at every moment. This time around I asked a hundred questions about the A and she answered every question. My W also feels pain but it’s totally different to my pain. Her pain is caused by guilt, shame and regret. My pain comes from a broken heart. I’m no expert but I think that a broken heart trumps guilt, shame and regret by a 1000 to 1. Thanks again for sharing your story and for the support. I really appreciate it.

Rspec:"It’s like I have lived 2 lives and have 2 memories stored. One life and memories are before the affair, the woman I married, loved with all my heart, shared all my dreams, trusted with my life. She was so sweet, innocent, loveable, beautiful, and best of all she only had room in her heart for me. We had 2 beautiful children, worked hard together to save, invest, build our future. Everything we did, we did together for us and the family. We had each other’s back 24/7. Life wasn’t easy, but it was great because we had each other. How I loved reminiscing about those days. They brought so much joy to my heart. Then within a flash, reminiscing before DD causes so much pain. In an instant all those beautiful memories that where once a part of you, that made all the blood, sweat and tears all worth while are wiped. Something in your heart dies and you know it can never be fully resuscitated. Not even with all the therapy in the world. For me, that’s the worst part of infidelity. Now it’s all about moving forward. I know that and I get it but the heart doesn’t listen to reason"

I know this feeling too well and it saddens me that I know it will live with me forever. I imagine the permanance also lives with you.

I'm so sorry my friend...

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 7:44 PM, September 21st (Monday)]