Hello everyone,
So it's been a couple weeks, I've been doing nothing but self reflection. I've enjoying following the forums for different perspectives its made a world of difference for me. Since my last post I've confessed to my affair and have been dealing with the aftermath, reading lots, started seeing counsellor, etc.
I'm posting now because when I thought things couldn't get any worse than I've already made them my BS provided a revelation tonight that floored me.
Rewind 11 years, 8 years prior to the beginning of my infedelity, my BS and I fell unexpectedly pregnant and for medical reasons ended up having to abort. After it happened I was devestated-depressed, suicidal, just ruined. During this time I needed him more than anything; however, he had a friendship with another girl who I knew was trying to sabotage our relationship. One night I saw he was very late getting home, and I saw him and her in a car parked across the street. I thought the best of him, as her mother was terminally ill with cancer so I tried to convince myself that they were just talking. He came home and I confronted him about it, and he told me they fooled around and I point blank asked him if they slept together and he said no. My instincts told me not to trust him, but I did anyways.
Fast forward to tonight, we scheduled time to talk to each other about how we've been feeling, etc. And when we've finished talking he stops me and asks if we ever clarified what happened between them. To which I said you told me you fooled around. He then confessed that he had slept with her that night.
I'm furious about this. We had many arguments over the years regarding her, and he gaslighted me for a long time that it was nothing, it was all in my head, that they were just friends. I'm so disappointed in myself for believing him, and allowing him to lie to me for so long. Considering everything else we were going through then, if I had've known I would have ended it then.
He has made excuses that he was really drunk so he didn't know at first if he did or not, thinking he realized about a month later that he actually did. He claims he thought I knew. That would not be something I ever forgot.
I know I'm no better for what I did since mine was a lasting affair. I was on board for reconciling, but I don't know if I want to anymore knowing that he lied, and was ok with lying until, what I perceive to be, he got a chance to confess where he wouldn't as bad because what I did was worse.
I'm so sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this out and would love outside perspectives.
[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 12:04 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]