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Today marks 6 months since Dday. I feel like the crisis has past but the healing process has sort of stalled out. I went thru IC, and he is still in IC. He has been doing everything he should, and I think we’re just in the place where it takes time to trust again. The hard part is he will bring me flowers (something I told him I would like) but it doesn’t make me happy, I feel nothing. He had surgery a month ago which necessitated some physical distance, but now I feel like I don’t want to touch him anymore. I don’t feel much like talking with him. I’m staying busy with work (still remote) and our kids’ activities, and he is busy with home improvement projects and day to day stuff around the house (he is a stay at home dad). The kids are certainly a big factor in motivating me to try to R. Plus it’s my third marriage and I have no desire for another divorce.

We put in all those hours talking together after DDay, and the HB, and I was constantly listening to podcasts and reading books and SI, and now I have moved on with life but I am feeling we are growing apart. We had started working out together which was a good thing, but it didn’t last long because he had an injury (hence the surgery). I haven’t been working out on my own, just adjusting to the kids fall schedules, and feeling under the weather. I have an autoimmune condition, and just had a positive blood test for lupus. (I’m following up with my rheumatologist.) I told him I blame it on the stress he created.

I was thinking today about that exercise for kids where you teach them about hurting others by crumpling a piece of paper and showing that when you flatten it out the wrinkles will remain. I guess I’m feeling like that wrinkled piece of paper. My day to day life is fine, but I have to accept those wrinkles are never going away.

It is soooo early...

... and I don't want to frame this like it's going to be some slog up a mountain.

You will NOT feel this way forever.

Reading your post, it seems like you've made an amazing amount of progress in 6 short months. Maybe it's time for a plateau. As long as there is no major backsliding (further dishonesty/infidelity) think of it as a breather.

This is a walk back to happy, not a sprint.

It needs to be a walk because there's a lot to resolve on the way.

Infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum.

Contributing factors are no excuse, but they do exist. 'Pre-existing conditions' will also have to be addressed, along with the trauma of the infidelity.

'Meh' is a place. Sometimes it's permanent, but not always. Sometimes it's just a temporary 'Meh' while your subconscious works out all of the territory you've covered.

We are 27 months out from DDay, for an incident that happened *years* ago, that had a partial/vastly minimized DDay when it happened. So two DDays, same incident, but years apart, and DDay2 actually ended up being the 'real' DDay. It was classic: denial, minimizing, gas lighting, trickle truth, the whole bit.

We had all of that to work through before we could even begin to work on the infidelity, and then on the issues in which it was embedded.

It just takes a while, and it's a roller coaster. Don't be surprised if you visit all of the other emotional terrain again (and again) as well. It's not called a roller coaster for nothing.

And some triggers will hang around for a bit and raise their ugly little heads at the most stupid of times. I just wrote a chapter book on here about the stupidest trigger, lol.

Don't throw in the towel just yet. If you are both trying, if your spouse is in IC of his own accord, if he is being sincere and genuine, there is hope.

There is hope that the love, affection, hope and trust can return. (((hugs)))

That sounds soooo much like me/us around 6 months. That was a weirdly hard milestone. It feels like “long enough” that you wonder why you aren’t further along, happier, more certain, more healed, etc. But in the big picture it’s so early. I felt just as you described and now that I’m just shy of a year I can see how much shock and trauma I was still in. I love the post above! Yes, settle in and accept that Meh is ok for now, just keep tabs on your progress even if slow.

I agree with the above. The first 6 months are kind of like a fire. Lots of HB, lots of emotion, and if you have a WS who isn't actively in the A and wants R, it's easy to convince yourself that it will all be ok.

But once the dust settles down and you breathe and realize you aren't dead, you look around and realize that this is your life and you are married to someone who didn't value you or your marriage like you thought they did. You know that they also have the capacity to be really dishonest. And you have to figure out what that means for you and for your marriage. At this point a little emotional distance is probably healthy. It gives you the space to see if your partner is changing into someone you can stay married to and it allows you to see how you really feel about the marriage. Some marriages are worth saving and some aren't. If you still feel detached after a couple of years, that is an indication that the M itself has issues. 6 months after DDay you know the m has issues

Aww, it is so early in your recovery. In the scheme of things, six months is nothing. I know it does not feel like nothing to you, but it will get better with time. I think it is good to keep busy with each other, maybe working out can be put on hold, but get a hobby just the two of you.. try to have fun without the kids being involved. Play some cards in the evening without the kids, go to trivia at a local restaurant one evening,, look forward to things again to do together. It will get better since you are both working hard at it. Blessings to you

Thanks for the replies. I think it makes sense that there will be times when I need emotional distance. I have hope that we will continue to progress on our journey to R. We made plans this weekend for just the 2 of us to do a one tank trip and see some fall foliage and covered bridges. It’s been over a month since our last dinner date. We have not really been able to get in the habit of having regular date nights, due to child care needs and Covid makes that even harder. We need to work harder on this. I think prior to Dday I was too quick to solve problems by giving personal space. With his PTSD, I generally tried not to take mood swings personally and just let him take naps and would get the kids out of the house on weekends. But instead of working on his issues he just looked to the AP to take his mind off things, and give him that external validation when he was not able to love himself. Now that he is finally putting the work into trauma therapy, I think he is growing and learning. For my part, I need to keep making the marriage a priority instead of taking it for granted. I thought we had a great, strong marriage and never imagined the possibility of an affair. One thing SI has taught me is how common affairs are. If everyone divorced after an affair, I wonder what the divorce rate would be!

You sound very level-headed and the weekend trip sounds lovely! Make the most of it to reconnect. Tell yourself the challenges will be there the next week. I’ve had some luck with that mindset in recent months. I think it’s a sign of healing.