SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not helpful

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:50 AM, November 28th (Saturday)]

Hey folks, Just checking in. A private message alert reminded me I had not been on in a awhile. So I have a mini update.

As with these things there have been good days and bad. Sleep has become huge issue but I think I have it under control now. Thanksgiving weekend was unfortunately not very good. My son convinced my daughter to go to their mom's for dinner the Sunday following Thanksgiving. My daughter basically showed her ass. I make no excuses for my STBXW but I really see no call to cause bigger issues. Thankfully due to an issue that the STBX and I had to work out.... she was sending not sexual pictures to me but pictures that had her dressed in a revealing way using the excuse of finishing little projects around her house. Kind of "look what I did!" in tank tops and shorts and even nightgowns. That type of stuff. It was annoying and honestly it contributed a lot of my issues sleeping. I had to confront her about it and it resulted in my moving up the date of my cleaning out the last of my belongings at the house she lives. Anyway it also resulted in my daughter getting the last of her stuff and STBX finally told our daughter everything and it helped our daughter understand a lot more about the issues. It did not fix everything but it did open a dialogue between them. So baby steps right?

Virtual hearing is Tuesday. Me in my lawyer's office. She in hers. The judge hopefully will move forward and we will only have to wait the sixty days to sign the papers and I think at some point thirty days later it is official. She has agreed to everything financially. And she has made no further demands. Honestly, I believe she is holding out hope we can revisit our relationship after the divorce but I do not see that at all. While I have been in complete monk mode and see no end in sight for that, I expect that once the legal aspect of us being married is over then psychologically I won't feel so guilty about seeking out other relationships. I know in my mind the marriage is over but I still see us as married.

One other piece of news, apparently her former AP is dead. During the period she broke down mentally, her brother and mother hired a PI and wanted to get info on the guy and be aware of any attempt he might make to reach out to her. Basically he had a heartache at his daughter's home in his sleep from what I gather. My STBXW told me about it the day I was moving.

That's it. Playing the waiting game at this point.

One other piece of news, apparently her former AP is dead. During the period she broke down mentally, her brother and mother hired a PI and wanted to get info on the guy and be aware of any attempt he might make to reach out to her. Basically he had a heartache at his daughter's home in his sleep from what I gather. My STBXW told me about it the day I was moving.

"The AP" is dead? The guy who she saw at the party that set of the final chain of events!?

My STBXW told me about it the day I was moving.

I don't know if you care, but if you do, verify that what she says is true.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:08 PM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

I think once the divorce goes through then your heart and mind will finally line up and the marriage will be fully and completely over.

My xWW used to occasionally send me sexy pics of herself in the weeks leading up to my actual leaving the marital home, as if that was supposed to achieve something. I just saw it as desperation, a lack of respect for my intelligence, and it made me despise her even more. It had the exact opposite effect of what she was striving for. As the rose-colored glasses slowly came off, pics of her that would have aroused me before D-Day, now just made her look sleazy and cheap.

[This message edited by Westway at 3:40 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

Too little and too late for the WWs. Little did they know, just being safe and not cheating would have saved them from all of this. And still, they are using cheap tricks to try and entice you with the pussy. It won't be long, but they'll be using this trick again with someone else once you know you're never going to give them another chance.

Seeya, good luck the rest of the way. I think you made absolutely the right move. Your kids are going to be with you as a team always, and hopefully they'll be able to forgive their mom at some point. Either way, once you're done, I'm sure youll have no issues finding a new partner. Plenty of them out there, and you'll have your standards and boundaries up, so the next one will be better.

I use 6 mg per night

Melatonin

It’s a natural sleep aid you can get across the counter at any drug store.

Fairly cheap

Respect, SeeYa, but I'm a little concerned here.

You mention the death of the AP in a fairly nonchalant way. The guy who groomed your wife since she was young. Who manipulated her throughout. Who had a direct role in destroying your marriage and family.

This would be a HUGE event in MY life.

By way of brief context, my son died under mysterious circumstances in 2011. He was visiting a friend whose father literally killed himself in a cover up.

When he died, unexpectedly, it blew me away. For weeks. Still does. Nearly a decade later.

You fully processing this, bro?

If this matter took any more weird turns it would interest M Night in developing a screenplay.

I suspect our man was not being nonchalant. I think he was showing class by not crowing over the death.

Anyway, you gotta know his wife is wringing her hands. If only the sob had checked out before the party........

Respect to you and hope the shit show becomes less of a drain and that you and STBX can co parent in a harmonious way. She is hurting that she killed the marriage. Hence the photos trying to make you desirous for her.

All the best for the festive season.

One day at a time.

faithfulman

I don't know if you care, but if you do, verify that what she says is true.

It does not matter to me. But I doubt she would lie at this point unless her mother and brother are lying about it. Which I highly doubt.

Westway

I think once the divorce goes through then your heart and mind will finally line up and the marriage will be fully and completely over.

My xWW used to occasionally send me sexy pics of herself in the weeks leading up to my actual leaving the marital home, as if that was supposed to achieve something. I just saw it as desperation, a lack of respect for my intelligence, and it made me despise her even more. It had the exact opposite effect of what she was striving for. As the rose-colored glasses slowly came off, pics of her that would have aroused me before D-Day, now just made her look sleazy and cheap.

I remember reading your thread before I posted here. For me it just messed with my sleep. I have no libido at all right now. No desire to even think about a woman...any woman right now. But these pics caused sexual dreams at night about her and was really messing with my sleep.I would wake up and immediately remember the stuff on the phone and it was like an emotional whiplash.

Marz

I use 6 mg per night

Melatonin

It’s a natural sleep aid you can get across the counter at any drug store.

Fairly cheap

That worked for awhile. After talking with my doctor we decided to continue the melatonin and move my workouts to the evening instead of a prescription med. I'm not crazy about taking medicine. Which did the trick until we had the confrontation over her sending the pictures and now I have no problem sleeping.

longsadstory1952

If this matter took any more weird turns it would interest M Night in developing a screenplay.

I suspect our man was not being nonchalant. I think he was showing class by not crowing over the death.

Anyway, you gotta know his wife is wringing her hands. If only the sob had checked out before the party........

I am still laughing at this because of that quote...Her telling me went like this..

Her: He's dead.

Me: Who?

Her: AP...he died in late October.

Me: (silence)

Her: The fucker could not have died before the damn party I guess.

Me: (silence)

Her: I shouldn't have said that. It was my fault not his.

Me: (Silence)

Her: I just thought I'd tell you.

Me: ok

That's paraphrasing a little but pretty close.

scrambledbrain

Respect, SeeYa, but I'm a little concerned here.

You mention the death of the AP in a fairly nonchalant way. The guy who groomed your wife since she was young. Who manipulated her throughout. Who had a direct role in destroying your marriage and family.

This would be a HUGE event in MY life.

By way of brief context, my son died under mysterious circumstances in 2011. He was visiting a friend whose father literally killed himself in a cover up.

When he died, unexpectedly, it blew me away. For weeks. Still does. Nearly a decade later.

You fully processing this, bro?

I get what you're saying but I have come to a point in this where I am less upset about the affair and more angry about the 25 years where she could have come to me and asked me to help her with this. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how I feel. She was a young woman when it happened. But became a medical professional with every opportunity to confide in me and receive my full support and help. If she could not do that after two decades then I feel like she never truly trusted me as her husband. As for him...I just don't care.

Buffer my man I appreciate every thing you have done to help me through this. I have a long way to go but with folks like you and all you others I'll get through it.

👍 here to help

Buffer

Oh wow! New site. I just logged on to update on the old site and saw the thread locked and decided to send some PM's and discovered this. Nice!

Real quick update and a heartfelt thank you.

We are divorced. Unfortunately, my EX has had what I guess can be described as a complete mental breakdown. She is no longer able to work and is being cared for by her brother and mother. I'm not privy to the details and I'm not interested in getting involved. The only effect it has had on the divorce is health insurance for the kids. I picked that up and even went so far as pay her COBRA for three months while her family is getting things situated for her. They have placed our old house up for sale and it will sale pretty quickly so with that and the check I wrote out to her after the divorce she should be okay financially for some time. (80k to pay off house and another 100K to offset retirement. I'm not upset about this.)

My son is joining the Air Force upon his graduation. This caught us by surprise but I kind of see this as his way of getting away and at the same time doing something positive with his life. He's been solid. After his initial reaction to being the only one that knew nothing, he has been a constant source of positivity and strength for both me and his mother. It's not fair to him but he's adamant that it is the best way for him to help the family.

My daughter is attending online classes but is now working with me. I started a new business, permitting and construction engineering for a couple of TelCom companies in my area and its really taken off. She enjoys the outdoor work and honestly, I think she enjoys the time with me. She's still hurting...not as angry but she's still very hurt by all of this. Not a lot of movement on the relationship between her and her mother.

Me? Moving forward. I am jaded a little when it comes to women right now. I'm struck by how some women can hardly hide their greed when they find out where I live or my job...I mean some of them really look like those cartoon characters with dollar signs in their eyes. Maybe I have just been naive all my life but this has been a huge shock to me. And I'm talking women from age 20 to 65. Even one of my daughters friends. I'm sure they are not all that way but I am really in no condition to be dating or in any type of serious relationship right now. I did have a FWB thing start up at the end of December (her idea). Enjoyed the hell out of that and as far as I know no one ever knew about it. Cooled off about two weeks ago. She has someone she is interested in pursuing a relationship with. Great timing for me actually. I need some time alone right now. I really want to ask my lawyer out though.

I have finalized my plans for a new home..really cabin on the property near my Dad. My Dad is getting on up in age. I'm looking to forward to living close to him. I estimate to have the build completed by the end of September. He's been quietly buying up property around his place for the past few months for me. I know that seems a little underhanded but I already knew I was moving out there and I see no benefit in my EX having any say so or rights to anything in my life after September of last year. And yeah, after doing some real looking back, I was planning on divorcing as soon as I moved out that Sunday.

Speaking of looking back...I was kind of lucky because I had mostly resigned myself to going through the motions in my marriage three years after my first D-Day. So my emotional connection to my EX was all but severed. I hate to see her in the state she's in but I can't really bring myself to put too much effort in caring. Does this make me bad person?

Anyway, thank you to everyone that helped both on the this thread and through PM's. Looking back I realized I used this more as a journal than an advice thread but it still helped me immensely to hear from you guys. If you are going through infidelity and just now reading this train wreck...it gets better and the folks here a great help.

Glad you are doing well. Some of us feared that your ex was suppressing deep emotional trauma that could have long term effects. Looks like she is decompensating now. I suspect from what I know that this will be a long haul.

You will need to be there for your kids as this goes down.

Good luck and mind how you go.

I hate to see her in the state she's in but I can't really bring myself to put too much effort in caring. Does this make me bad person?

No. You need to take care of yourself and your kids.

That is enough on your plate. Stay out of it and let her family deal with it.

Do not let yourself be dragged down with a sinking ship.

I hate to see her in the state she's in but I can't really bring myself to put too much effort in caring. Does this make me bad person?

You signed up to be her husband, and she signed up to be your wife. You did not sign up to be her guardian, her doctor, her psychiatrist...And she did not sign up to be your patient.

I know that may come across as horribly cold, but if you take on the responsibility of trying to turn her into a happy, well-adjusted individual, you may as well forfeit the rest of your life.

By all means take a detached interest, and if you are able to provide some funding then do so, but remain at a distance. Seriously. If you walk too close to quicksand, there is a chance you will fall in, and after that the only way is down.

Your ex needs professional help, and you are not the guy to provide that. You have your life to live, and after what you have been through, your deserve some happiness.

If you can help to get her the attention she needs, that is great. However, you absolutely must not try to be her saviour, because it may take years of professional intervention to slay the dragons that are troubling her, if that is even possible.

Care, but from a distance. No-one can ask more of you than that.

It’s wonderful seeing you on a real path toward healing. Glad you found us here.

I hope you and your children can find happiness in life and eventually your wife can work through her issues and participate as a co parent.

Let us know how it’s going every six months or so.

RESPECT ✊

One day at a time Buffer

Thanks for opening the thread.

Just thought I'd update a little over a year later.

Starting with my children.

My son is now a Marine. Very proud of him. Through all of this he has grown stronger and stronger. He has continued to support his mother when he can and again I'm proud of him for that. She needs it.

My daughter is my full fledge business partner and is kicking ass. She works hard and has a very good business head on her shoulders. Her relationship with her mother is still strained. She's hurting still and has stopped any counseling for herself. I'm really worried that she has stopped any sort of dating and has shown no interest in any type of relationship.

Exww is doing better I hear. I have not seen nor spoken to her since April. I have spoken to her brother a few times but mainly about legal matters. My son tells me she is working as a receptionist at a doctor's office and is no longer a practicing nurse. She tells him she believes we will be back together someday. I don't know why she still believes this

Me? I have built me a small log cabin iny my property adjoining my dad's and split work between here and the office. I had fwb situation earlier this year but it fizzled out. I date periodically but not interested in any long term stuff. I am self aware enough that I know I'm suffering through some type of depression right now but I think I'll be okay.

My dad is well and still plugging along. Got COVID over the summer but other than some breathing issues he's doing fine

That's it. I am grateful to everyone here and hope your holidays are merry.

Glad to hear that you and your family are doing well. It sounds like life is good.

Only question I had was, if you feel like you are suffering some sort of depression, have you sought counseling? IC was helpful for me, as I had a good counselor. It may help you. Just something to consider