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SeeYa, idgaf what anyone else says, I am shipping you and the lawyer.

As someone who was abused at a young age I understand why she did as she did. Not condoning, but understanding.

In the I Can Relate forum there is a Sexual Abuse Survivors / Spouses thread. In the 2nd post of that thread I gathered a list of resources for survivors. Perhaps you could copy and email them to her, if you wished.

Her coming clean with you was a huge step in her recognizing that she's broken. And you've been abused by this as well. So take a look at the resources list for yourself as well.

Good luck, I wish both of you the very best.

I will say this, those are some seriously real issues.

It’s quite different from what we usually hear, which many times is some variation of, “He said nice things.”

Hopefully with therapy, and probably some medication, she can at least reach some level of stability.

I fear for her and the pull this monster has on her....

If I were in your shoes it would take every ounce of my self control not to hunt the f*cker down and give him the beat-down of a lifetime. It would almost be worth the jail sentence.

He did. He literally beat the shit out of him...and some piss too.

He did? I need to go back an read that. The guy probably needs another one for good measure.

Wonder why his wife escaped a similar beating from the guy's s spouse( if the guy had one).

I'm happy you got some form of closure, SeeYa.

But I think you should avoid falling prey to the "poor, little, manipulated girl" line of thinking that so many here love to espouse on WWs . She was grown and married and she admitted she knew it was wrong but did it anyway. That's really all there is to it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:22 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

Golden, no one excuses cheating. What I’m trying to do is get him to understand that divorced or not his wife needs intensive therapy. People who have been molested have altered states of reality. Up is down, night is day, black is white. They have no coping skills to get out. He has been married to this woman for years and I hope he has sympathy and empathy for what was done to her. I’m not advocating him staying married to her. That’s his life, that’s his choice. What I am advocating, based on my work, is that you don’t recover from abuse without help, so he needs to encourage her to get it.

SeeYa

You handled the interaction and are handling this process as close to perfect as anyone can. I’m sorry that you have to do that.

The only questions that came to mind for me is how does your wife say she sees the AP now? Is she still drawn to him emotionally and physically? Does she still feel he holds power over her? Of course you are right, she needs years of psychotherapy and with her betrayal you are not beholden to stick around while she attempts to fix herself.

Lastly, how does she say she feels about you. Are you still 2nd in her heart to the AP? Does she admit she can’t show you the love you deserve?

I’m wondering how she views you now.

Take care.

Wonder why his wife escaped a similar beating from the guy's s spouse( if the guy had one).

My STBX was not stupid enough to show up at her home to proclaim her love to the AP. I actually told the AP's wife quickly after DDay. Was not hard to find her. She has/had a local catering service. They divorced. I have no idea about either at this point.

But I think you should avoid falling prey to the "poor, little, manipulated girl" line of thinking that so many here love to espouse on WWs . She was grown and married and she admitted she knew it was wrong but did it anyway. That's really all there is to it.

I called and checked on her yesterday and she was down. Actually stated she had not heard from the attorney yet. When I said I just called to check on her, her mood changed noticeably. I do not believe she was "poor, little, manipulated girl". I think she was genuinely surprised I was checking on her. Because of that I realize I need to maintain my distance. While I don't want her to hurt or hurt her myself, I also don't want to give her false hope.

He did. He literally beat the shit out of him...and some piss too.

Careful, I was chastised for posting that. Don't want you to get in trouble.

Pretty quiet once the kid back home. Son had spent the weekend with his sister so it was nice to have him back. He talked a little last night about his sister still being mad. I just told him that it was something they had to work out themselves. Other than that its been normal which is a huge relief. Daughter did call and ask about moving back home. It's about economics according to her. Her university is doing all classes via online and since she is a business major it makes no sense to be paying for an apartment when she could live here and still go to school online. I suspect there is more to this but I would welcome her back here anytime. So I might have both kiddos with me soon.

My post about seeing her as being manipulated was not in response to anything you posted, SeeYa.

Cooley - you said she didn't have free will. So she had NO CHOICE but to cheat.

Nope. No way. She's still grown. She wasnt drugged or hypnotized. She knew it was wrong. She did it anyway bc she wanted to.

My post about seeing her as being manipulated was not in response to anything you posted, SeeYa.

Was not taken that way at all. It just reminded me of very helpful private message I received and that I told that person about the call. Thought it would be a good idea to post in case someone has a similar situation.

SeeYa.

We cross posted. Hoping you didn’t miss my comments above.

Thanks

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:46 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

SeeYa, this sounds like it's been an exhausting and gruelling journey with your STBX. I know that this isn't going to be popular but I actually feel deeply sorry for her. She has made so many terrible choices for herself, consistently, over what appears to be her lifetime and now she's paying dearly for those. I really pity her. If she had had IC early on after her abusive relationship maybe so much of this could have been avoided. And I really feel for you having to navigate through such a careening reality where you really had no idea what was going on until she had lost everything and had decided to come clean. That's incredibly tough.

Stevesn

how does your wife say she sees the AP now?

She is angry with him and herself. I have to take what she says with a grain of salt. I don't believe she has been in contact with him since Feb 2018.

Is she still drawn to him emotionally and physically?

Her words indicate no.

Does she still feel he holds power over her?

Again she says no but then I would refer back to her admitting to a sense of arousal when she saw him at the party which she said disgusted her and was another contributing factor to her drinking heavily that night.

Are you still 2nd in her heart to the AP? Does she admit she can’t show you the love you deserve?

Well I'm probably going to get hit hard for this but ...screw it. This is the way I feel right now. I do not think what she felt for the AP was love. Period. I do not think he was ever her "love of her life". I believe she did and still loves me first and foremost. I believe we have to look at the whole picture here and not the PA and EA alone. I believe it's more complicated than that...(thanks to the user that has shared their abuse story in private with me..I told you I can learn).

She cheated. Period. Grounds to divorce under any circumstances. Black and white. Her reasons though I think are not quite as clear. Does not change the fact I will divorce and never reconcile but I have to be honest and see the everything here. And the abuse played a part in this. Not the correct help to deal with it played a part. The lies she told or things she hid. All played a part. As I told some one in a private message, I believe in her mind when she was drunk, she had a long list of things she was trying to tell me. In her state of mind and inebriation it got condensed into a vomit of words that came out in the worse possible way. Again. Does not change anything. Does not excuse her. But no. I do not believe she ever thought she loved him more than me.

I’m wondering how she views you now.

I think she loves me. I think her letting me go with as little fuss as possible is her only way to show it in any meaningful way. I'm not out of this yet so I can be proven wrong.

BrokenheartedUK

SeeYa, this sounds like it's been an exhausting and gruelling journey with your STBX. I know that this isn't going to be popular but I actually feel deeply sorry for her. She has made so many terrible choices for herself, consistently, over what appears to be her lifetime and now she's paying dearly for those. I really pity her. If she had had IC early on after her abusive relationship maybe so much of this could have been avoided. And I really feel for you having to navigate through such a careening reality where you really had no idea what was going on until she had lost everything and had decided to come clean. That's incredibly tough.

I agree. As I have said before I am not unsympathetic to her ordeal but I feel I do not have the empathy I think I should. Not only as a person but especially as a person that has spent 26 years with her. And that is what is fucking up my head right now. I know I will get through it but it does not make it better right now.

I'll say this again, I get quite few compliments on how I'm handling this but I have to be honest...I'm not handling it well at all. Someone said I could not use my work skills to deal with this but it has been the only way I can deal with her. I have lost a partner of 26 years because I did not know about the demons in her head. There is guilt and anger here that I think only you people understand. I was living my best life and then I read a message from my wife to her lover about how good the sex was they just had. Three years I have been living this and it has ebbed and flowed and then the day I read the phone it was a tsunami. When I lay down to sleep at night I STILL FEEL HER IN THE BED NEXT TO ME. I miss how she used to take her half of the bed in the middle. I miss her wearing my shirts to sleep in. I miss waking up on a Saturday morning having sex with her. I miss just being in a room with her and not feeling the pressure to talk. This is what I have lost I but still have in my head and heart and it's just not fucking fair.

My work has helped. Leaving what I thought was not a good work environment has helped. I am responsible for my self again and I feel some comfort in that. My kids, as painful as it has been to watch them go through this, have been solid rocks. My dad is man above men. Jerry, my best friend, I'd walk through fire to help. But none of them understand the abject loneliness you feel when this happens. The shame. The anger. It's like being a live wire with every emotion possible going off at the same time.

Anyway all of that to say thank you. Sorry. I need to take a break for a while guys. You have been great.

OP, I don't often get angry... but this fits me to a T;

Westway

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Member # 71747

Default Posted: 11:55 AM, November 9th (Monday), 2020 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were in your shoes it would take every ounce of my self control not to hunt the f*cker down and give him the beat-down of a lifetime. It would almost be worth the jail sentence.

I don't think there are many juries in this country that would find you guilty of any crime if you chose retribution (I'm not encouraging that in the least)....but I would have a hard time myself not wanting to take real 2x4 to this anal orifice.

Well I'm probably going to get hit hard for this but ...screw it.

I want you to know that I agree with every word you said, I just didn’t want to put the words in your mouth. I wanted you to be able to say it for yourself.

There is nothing you wrote that I disagree with, including needing to move on and find your way on your own. It’s the right thing to do.

And I feel she knows what she is losing and agree that trying to make it easy on you, and hopefully she can follow thru, is the one gift she knows she can give you.

So sad. I find it personally gutting when two people who I feel actually love each other will not be together. But some of the greatest Shakespearean tragedies have that as the core theme dont they?

Take care.