SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well. Filed divorce in September(after 4 years of separation) and STBXW asks "why now?" She makes half again as much as I do, is living pretty much rent free with married boyfriend while I am in a 3-bdrm rental with our 14-year-old D and 25-yo son, last 2 years. Before that, D, S and now 21-yo daughter lived with me in former marital home (at various times and in various configs) that we eventually lost to foreclosure because she wouldn't pay anything towards house payment or HOA fees. THAT came back to bite ME because the money that was forgiven in foreclosure is TAXABLE INCOME and boosted my tax to $4,500, which she refused to pay part of.

So, now, since we're in FLO-RIDA, there is computations for child support. She doesn't want to pay, says it will negatively affect her credit and she wont be able to lease a new car in 18 months. She wants just to divorce and not pay anything (I have a lawyer, paid him she has none). She threatened to go after my pension if she has to pay support. I have not asked for spousal support because I don't want her $$ have told her repeatedly she refuses to listen.

She also is bitching about a "visitation" schedule. Doesn't want to be locked into a schedule, she says. This is a laugh. Since COVID started she's seen her 14-year-old DAUGHTER (wait for it) ONCE! One day, a few hours, on a Sunday. Sum total. BEFORE COVID, she MAYBE saw her for a few hours on Sunday, NEVER any other time, never overnight at her place, never for more than few hours.

At this point I am thinking if she drags her feet or if she does target my pension (I'm 65, still working, will keep working until D graduates HS at least) I will go full SHOOT THE MOON and ask for spousal and child support. In the four years since she moved out (SHE MOVED OUT THEN MOVED IN WITH MARRIED BF)she has not paid one thin dime for income taxes (About $8,500 worth), any living expenses for D. She has paid some med bills (her birthday comes first in year so she is legally liable for first crack at bills) but nada for clothes or anything else.

As for holidays, NEVER any Thanksgiving for kids in 4 years (she sys she doesn't do turkey anymore), Xmas is a joke, any bdays are a joke.

She and her MARRIED BF just built a new house (no idea how she pulled that off).

So, this divorce should be interesting.

I'm sorry but why are you letting her call the shots? You should be talking with your lawyer and putting a plan together to get you the best outcome possible.

Your ex earns more than you then damn right she pays at least child support, she threatens your pension then go after hers. You need to stop being so passive and start fighting.

Think about the message you're sending your kids, it's not ok to let people walk all over you, you need fb to be strong. I'm not talking about being nasty but getting what's legally yours (and theirs).

TRYING to get thru this as inexpensively as possible, since our ONLY commonality now is our 14 year old D. May not be possible. Still at the very start of this, so, likely I'm gonna have to drop a ton of bricks on her with child AND spousal support. Whole reason we are here is her difficulties being rational (six affairs in basically a 12-year period of a 26-year-marriage). Not going to roll, but sometimes bending a bit can be an advantage. Like a willow, I'll spring right back up and the windy opposition will expend themselves on nothing.

TRYING to get thru this as inexpensively as possible

Yeah, I tried to do that too. Prior to the divorce, we had $17,000 in savings, no debt. Splitting that amount, I started the divorce with $8500 in cash, no debt.

We agreed for the divorce to be amicable and quick so that it would be easy on the kids. She would retain a lawyer and I would go pro se.

When I received her petition for divorce, she had manipulated absolutely everything to be incredibly one-sided. She had underestimated the value of our marital home by ~$50,000 and overestimated the value of a vacation property by ~$50,000.

And things went downhill from there...

So, let me give you a quarter's worth of free advice. Stop communicating with your ex about the divorce. Get an attorney. Put on your seatbelt and make sure the airbag works. She is showing no interest in being reasonable or negotiating. I hate to project my STBXW's behavior onto yours, but I know that narcissists tend to behave similarly... so it's not that crazy.

If her name is in the deed to the new home then it’s marital property.

Tell her you will go after that as part of the offset to your pension.

See what happens then

Divorce is a relatively regulated process. There is more-or-less predefined lists telling you who gets what share of what and who pays for this and that. She can demand she doesn’t pay CS or you can demand she doesn’t get your pension. Your demands won’t trump the law unless the other agrees to the concessions.

The process of divorce is delayed and the costs escalate over useless and pointless arguments.

It’s not made easier by the common misunderstanding that you get half of everything. What you get is approximately half the value of assets minus half the value of debt, rather than the right half of the ford and 3 forks and knives out of the 6 place-setting set.

With that knowledge you can negotiate. Like you don’t want her to touch your pension, yet we don’t know if she can or not. If it turns out she might have a right to part of it… well… you would have the same right to her pension. Or you could negotiate where you forego any claim to spousal support if you keep the pension. You can basically do any deal you want AS LONG as it’s mutually accepted.

Thanks Barcher. I have an attorney, she's pro se. I also have had sole custody of our youngest child exclusively since she left 4 1/2 years ago. And Florida laws are pretty strict about child support, I'm not too worried. Met with my atty today, we have a case management hearing in less then month. She's gonna be surprised since she has not filled out any forms, filed financials or taken the mandated child support/rearing course. I've done ALL that. Judge wont be happy with her.

I still would find out if she owns that new home her and the AP just built. It’s possibly a marital asset.

there is computations for child support. She doesn't want to pay, says it will negatively affect her credit and she wont be able to lease a new car in 18 months. She wants just to divorce and not pay anything (I have a lawyer, paid him she has none). She threatened to go after my pension if she has to pay support.

Big f'ing boo hoo. If she were a man she'd be called a dead beat dad.

If her name is in the deed to the new home then it’s marital property.

This sounds like karma just waiting to happen!

Why now? Seriously? When she’s living with OM?

What planet does she derive from?

The planet ITSALLABOUTME. Right next to PITYMEPLEASE

Being nice in this situation will never work. Let your attorney and the courts settle this.

Don't negotiate. A judge will easily see that she's trying to manipulate the system. Assume that the line of fairness is 50/50, assets and debts all in. Anything she asks for above that is hogwash.

In the end you're not going to get exactly what you want. Just make sure you don't settle for anything less than you are entitled to BY LAW.

I'm in Florida too. She's going to have to prove that and demonstrate what her actual "income vs expenses" are. So don't accept her narrative that she deserves more from you.

She's a real candidate for "mom of the year".

You can't really "nice" your way through something like this especially with someone as entitled as her. So opt for playing hardball.

Agreed with Squid. You need to go after her. You cannot nice a person like this to the table.

Take her ass to court. Even if you have to do it yourself and cut out your attorney, you have a solid case.

You will owe her nothing. She will however owe you child and spousal support and you should ask for all of that going back 4 yrs. In case she ask for your pension, you can use that as a negotiation tool. Don't just assume she won't ask for it.

When dealing with a nasty ex like yours, you can't just nice her to a result. You have to push it thru

Yeah, that's what it will come down to. It's against my demeanor, but, someone has to do it.

And remember - CS isn't for you, it's the right of YOUR CHILD. Judge won't give a flying fuck how she feels about it.

And quit listening to her, it'll drive you crazy. Put her ring tone on silent. Send her emails to a spam folder, you can peruse them at your leisure to make sure that there isn't anything important in there. Don't communicate with her about the D, all communication goes through your L. Period.

Hang in there ((((katmandude))))

CS isn't for you, it's the right of YOUR CHILD.

This is largely true, although part of child support is for shared expenses like housing.

The other thing to remember is that, similarly, spousal maintenance is for THE SPOUSE.

This has become relevant in my divorce because my crazy STBXWW is basically trying to count some of the kids' expenses as part of her claim for spousal maintenance.

Ive been doing a lot better not listening to her. I've toed the line "this IS happening" nonstop and I mean it. I'm too long waiting for this albatross to be dumped overboard. My lawyer is handling things, I check in with him from time-to-time. We have a case management conference on the 19th and then a mediation meeting and a support conference. Hopefully, unless she goes full batshit crazy and I'm forced to judicially wallop her craziness, this could be all over by NYD! Party like it's 2021!

It’s been said, “you don’t really know someone until you divorce them.”

And man your STBxWW is a real piece of work.

The person you marry is NOT the person you divorce. 😢

"It’s been said, “you don’t really know someone until you divorce them.”

And man your STBxWW is a real piece of work."

Man, you don't know the half of it.

I had JUST gotten out of a 10 year marriage where wife was a serial cheater, produced a child that wasn't mine biologically. Along comes this blonde, sweet, young woman who dug her hooks into me deep. First 5-6 years no problem (that I ever found). Then, things went kablooey. From 1998 on she had six affairs that I found out about, mostly connected with her medical job (RN) including a security guard (they screwed around on closed floors of the specialty hospital they worked at, utilizing the extra condoms stored there), another male nurse, a doctor, an orderly, a medical equipment salesman (who she screwed in her office during work and who she lost a job over), and finally, her only nonmed affair that I know about, the husband of a couple we had been friends with almost every weekend for more than a year. And whom REMAINS married and whom she is living with. During this time she had TWO breast augmentations, the last one double Ds which earned her ridicule because she's not exactly statuesque, but was done, according to a nurse "friend" of hers who busted her out to me, to "make her more marketable."

So, yeah, piece of work exactly describes this harridan, harpy, emasculating trash heap of a human female.