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Dear SI community, I’ve been staying away from here as Manx things have been happening and I am trying to cope. For the last 4 months I’ve been working on myself and have changed so very much. Since then there have been good moments with BS and sadly also fails on my part. The biggest fail continued to be that I know the right thing is to respect when he asks to be left alone and I could not act on it because my own pain was so overwhelming. Instead of seeing myself in the right tho, I’ve then scheduled ic to figure that shit out. Well, last night my world broke down as I heard that my grandma overseas is in the icu and needed dialysis. Due to Covid she can’t have visitors. I begged my bs to be there with me because I broke down completely. Knowing I do not deserve him and even begged after he told me that he can’t see me. - how selfish I was😞 or I should say am considering this was last night. I managed to go to sleep. Hoped for today to be a better day. I woke up to messages from BS, showing how my best friend from Germany (now former) messaged him and said he needs to stop playing games with me. I was shocked. Tried to call bs he would not answer. Then asked my “friend” and said wth?! For months she has been there for me over the phone. Honest but supportive of my work and that I am fighting for R. In the last weeks she’s been telling me that she is worried about me. That she does not recognize me anymore as I do whatever bs wants and that what I am doing is very unhealthy. Each time I issued her that it is my work because I choose that work and that I want to become a safe partner. She got all true INformation from me and of course she saw it from my corner as she has been a friend for 10 years.. so now, BS txt me and told me it’s over. How I write and talk in a way that creates sympathy and he even thinks I do it unintentionally. I feel completely devastated. This “friend” knows I love him and that not once did I want to stop fighting. Yet she tells me I am being manipulated.. I now lost BS due to this being a trigger as my former coworkers were saying similar things months ago. I stopped talking to all of them. Have I really surrounded myself with people like that before?.. I think this friend is scared because she does not recognize me anymore. Because I’ve been changing so much and she even said she is using her own life experience to see this. That sometimes even tho I live something I must let it go. I scheduled ic for tonight as I am at a total loss. Did I just loose my best friend and also my Bs both in one day?.... I want to add that right after I received the message, I messaged this friend and asked her to explain herself and told her wth?! Then drove to bs house because I will choose him any day over any friend. He was so devastated and heart broken. Thinking the worst of me and saying that I must have told this friend for months things that aren’t true for her to think so poorly of him. He was in tears and asked me to leave. Leaving him broke my heart and at the same time, I did. I left. It was against everything in me. And now, I’m sitting here in my car. The world is spinning and I just want it to stop. Not once did I tell this friend bad things about bs. I have told her over and over how I am taking full responsibility. And her answer is: it takes two... that is her outlook. And all the fighting now means nothing. Please help. I see how and why bs would see the way he does. But it is not based on the truth 😞 it’s really not. And so now, I told this friend that I considered to be my best friend for 10 years that this all was not okay. And her response was that she sees how this whole situation has been breaking me apart and she could not see that any longer... but it hat is my decision to make where my stop is. Not hers. And I stead of her messaging bs as a supportive friend of the relationship, she messaged him and only said: stop playing with her. ... 😣

I see how and why bs would see the way he does. But it is not based on the truth

This is, once again, I feel the hardest part of separation. There are things we absolutely know to be one way, but can’t convince that to someone we love so deeply. It requires the perspective that the person we betrayed is naturally going to see things differently. And while we want to share this life with them, they can’t see it that way.

It sucks to feel scared and alone- burying my father this year and standing alone was such an emotional experience. But in hindsight I survived and gained perspective on if I was actually alone, feeling so many other connections that I chose to ignore/minimize. These events, like everything we suffer in life, often make us the better. Keep working on you, Rose! You’re doing a great job, this is a scary process and fear and doubt are natural!

ETA- Regarding your friend please don’t make any rash decisions. Yes she likely made things “messy” but to blame her for wanting to be helpful may cost you a friendship. It may arise over time that she’s been eager to control things, and I believe she overstepped in communicating with your BH. But this is a good opportunity to step back and assess how to proceed with another longstanding relationship, recognizing that the reactive answer may not be the most prudent. Simply put, if you choose to make yourself “more alone“ when you’re afraid of being alone, what makes the most sense?

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:56 AM, November 6th (Friday)]

Although you say you did not say anything negative about your BH, did you say things to your friend that you did not or would not say to your BH.

This may be a big trigger as your affair may have involved his discovery of your running him down to the OM.

Perhaps you can ask your friend to explain herself to your BH?

Has your BH kept the affair a secret from most of the peole you know, men do this alot which leads to them turning into time bombs as they have no place to vent?

“I’m surrounded by idiots”. Napoleon

It’s pretty hard when people start interfering in a divorce after revelations of infidelity. This is a one on one thing. No one else allowed.

So your friend is an idiot. A well meaning idiot, but still an idiot.

Going forward, anyone who you confide in has to know not to contact your H. That is off limits.

Not much you can do here except keep on keeping on.

Your sins were terrible and it’s right that you suffer. But there are limits, and your idiot friend crossed the line.

I am sorry Rosie. I think in their own ill founded ways your friends are looking out for you. They only know you are hurting. The sad part is that they can never know truly how your BS feels and so they are pressuring him and you in unrealistic ways. That are more destructive than helpful. I do think that losing a friend of that duration is not going to help you. You need support too as it sounds like you have cut off a lot of people who were bad mouthing your BS. The distance is not helping I am sure with communicating what is truly going on. Maybe let her know that you love her but right now her actions have caused you pain and you need a break. A true friend over time will understand.

I also think your BS is so hurt,that from your posts it sounds like he is not ready to even think about reconcilation at this time and so ends up lashing out when the topic of your relationship comes up. I know you hurt him horribly but at the same time you both are stuck in limbo. It's not a healthy place to be. I wish I had answers but I don't. Infidelity ruins people's lives as you now know first hand.

The only thing I can suggest is to continue working on yourself as you have. It sounds like you have made great progress. Ten years from now you will see how much better a person you are and be grateful for it. He has to do the work on himself. I know couples that have split up and then gotten back together even years later. It is possible. Like all things though it takes time. And time is something that us humans both hate and love. Especially in a world of immediate gratification and action. I wish you both luck. Either way know that you are not the same person you were and have learned from this. It's way more than most people do and is only going to benefit others who come into contact with you in the future.