SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Duplicate

[This message edited by Muggle at 6:51 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)]

"Friends", that phrase is a contradiction. It keeps me in a constant loop of confusing emotions.

You are right. HE isn't my friend. I WAS and have been HIS. He needed me to make him feel better.

He didn't find me to be his friend until he had nothing left to go to. He only found me attractive when he had no woman left in his life. He sought me out because I'm vulnerable and he knows I would be so starved for closure, and attachment that I would accept anything he threw my way.

He knew my weakness was compassion, but I also know his faults, so I opened the door but didn't allow him to stay.

I am helping him rebuild what he broke, and he will reap the benefits in the long run. The only thing I gain is the money I was already owed.

His "wife" isn't going to get much of anything. I got the majority of all assets in our settlement, and what's left is debt they incurred, and a business she won't have a claim to. She is likely screwed. She will owe him.

The cycle of life goes on, and one thing stays the same. Maybe God put him back in my life to see if I was still stupid. It's my job to prove I'm not stupid and I learned the lesson.

I'm just someone he talks to when he needs something or wants something. Real friends don't need anything from you.

I emailed him today instead of talking to him. I kept it related to business.

Our daughter asked if it was ok for her dad to come over to celebrate her belated birthday, and he would bring dinner for her, and watch a movie at my house. It's important to her, so I will bite the bullet on this one. He has no place to go with her currently, especially with covid. I think I need to have other plans tomorrow. He can spend it with his kids, and I won't engage him. No ego kibbles, no possible argument, and no chit chat.

Next year, Thanksgiving, Christmas I think he needs to find a new friend to be with, and not be part of my "family" unit. He isn't MY family anymore, he's just the father of my kids. I think they will all be fine with that.

I can honestly say if not for the money I wouldn't call him or speak to him. I got a taste of closure, the "goodbye" so to speak. I got to taste the Karma he's giving her, and the karma he's faced, even though it wasn't the glorious feeling I expected it to be. I craved that karma for a long time, but now it holds no sway over me. I figure he will suffer his own karma many times over since he never changes.

Just a quick pipe in, just so you are not feeling "alone" in how you keep getting sucked in. I read the statement below, I have read it a thousand times on this forum, but its not until you truly get to the day that you UNDERSTAND it. I had to go to therapy to get to the route of accepting this and then TRULY seeing it. Meaning not just from him, but how I fought my demons of always feeling like I had to somehow "help him".

I'm sure he knows putting you in the position of being responsible keeps you engaged and nets him kibbles so, he's highly motivated to appear helpless.

It sucks when we know they are assholes, but it really takes alot of work to figure out why we keep wanting to engage with them.

**Raising my hand, been there, done that.**

Just saying.... hang in there. Keep working on detaching. You can do it.

it really takes alot of work to figure out why we keep wanting to engage with them.

How old are your children?

In reference to the birthday, he could take them to a park. They could get a picnic and go on a walk. They could download a movie and watch it on said hike.

If you live where it is winter they could go on a car date to get fast food. They could watch a movie in the parking lot. He is a grown man and he could figure out something to do...he figured out how to cheat you know.

There are a lot of ways to NOT have him in your home, your sacred space. I had to be very clear with my children that their dad was thier dad and not invited into my home.

At first it felt so strange to me....I mean my God, how could I be so "mean" to not allow him in my space....until I realized it was only a one way invite and he was completely manipulating and conning me. Taking great joy in taking advantage of my kind and compassionate nature.

My kind and compassionate nature was compassion and empathy run amok! It was not healthy compassion and empathy because there were no healthy boundaries in place and NPDX was exploiting that full tilt.

Having him in your home is just inviting trouble and feeding the BEAST. You know he gets great pleasure in infiltrating your space. Tell me, do you get to bring one of the kids and invade his space?

How old are your children?

They aren't children anymore. All are 18+

I've been trying to be a people pleaser for too long. I allowed it only because it was so important for my daughter.

I can see that this will not be something ongoing that I'm comfortable with. I completely understand your thinking and statements.

I'm the one he runs to only when his life falls apart. He ran from me when he met the woman he left me for, that he's now getting divorced from.

The irony of your previous "wife" that you cheated on helping you with your divorce from the woman you left her for is laughable. I still have to pinch myself when I say it.

The fact he tried to pursue me and has already switched gears to another woman has convinced me that when this shit show is financially over, put a fork in me I'm done.

I can't allow him to keep me looking behind me, my future is ahead of me, and he's not part of it. He doesn't grasp how any of this is an issue for me to begin with.

He thinks that because I "didn't want him" when he tried to sweet talk me, that I shouldn't have an issue if he moves on and finds "his white picket fence and his proper love." It never was about him moving on, it was about the fact he treated me very differently and thought I was only worthy of a friends with benefits situation. He didn't even attempt to make it seem like I was actually special to him, or that he wanted to fix what he broke.

He was in it for himself and what I could provide him. I was his back up plan not THE PLAN. Even though I don't want him, I was insulted in a way I didn't think I would be.

(Metaphor) I was the spotted banana that you got because you no other bananas were there, and you really wanted a banana.

I'll either be THE ONLY BANANA or I'm not the banana at all, and not with someone that has shown to shop around while having had a banana all to themselves. I'd rather be a solo banana.

Rant over...

I am glad you protected yourself. What a disgusting morally shallow person.

Protect your interests and keep him at a cars length away

This has been such a long road to travel. His soon to be ex wife is actively seeking to destroy what remains of his business. The same business that my settlement comes from.

I'm now waist deep in his divorce out of necessity. I'm the one that found the bread crumbs that linked her to some recent nefarious events.

She will now be sued and her life is going to take a drastic turn for the worse. I wish I were a mile away, as this situation is like Chernobyl.

I don't want to be in the damage path, but I can't step away from it either. I am rooted on this path until it comes full circle.

I'm on MY side, not his, not hers. I'm here to save my own money from this vile intrusion. As if my divorce and his infidelity, weren't enough, I'm living though divorce 2.0 and it isn't even my divorce.

The irony is something else. If I'm stuck in this shit storm, I'm going to steer the damn ship to my destination. When this is done I'm going to find a margarita, a beach and an umbrella with my name on it and toss them both in the "fuck it" bucket and be done.

Come on 2021 play nice, 2020 wasn't what anyone wanted. LOL

(((Muggle)))

You have the right approach— get what is yours and then get the hell out of the way.

I look forward to seeing the pic of your feet and your drink on the beach.

I love your attitude Muggle and hoping that 2021 will be a year where we can all have a margarita and make a toast to you and your happiness.

Ya done good girl!!!!

((((Muggle))))

I think I'm where many of you are in the process. Tired, frustrated and just done with wanting to be part of the drama and chaos.

We don't always have a choice in what we're thrust into if we have children or financial entanglements. We do have choices about putting some boundaries in place so the emotional collateral damage is contained or minimized.

I look back on this journey with amazement. I really thought this would be something I'd never make it through. The pain, the suffering were constant. Every time I thought I was making progress something would happen and I'd feel worse than at the beginning.

I've come so far from the days when I didn't want to get up, and breathing, and simple basic functions in life seemed insurmountable. Pain numbs you but it also lets you know your still alive. It might at times make you wish you were anywhere but in the throes of it, but our suffering isn't in vain.

It teaches us what we are capable of. It shows us we are survivors.

To all those still in pain, remember it's a moment in time. It's not your lifetime. You will recover in time, you will smile again, and you will move on. It's hard to see that in the beginning, but I can look behind me now and see how far I've come.