SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have it in me to hurt people. I only sent the guy's wife a message that we need to talk and that her husband and my wife have been talking a lot. unfortunately she reached out to my wife instead of me.

You didn’t hurt anyone they did. You never know what people are going through because they don’t know the truth.

Good job

Two weeks ago my wife left to stay at her mother's house. This was supposed to be a 'break' since we'd been fighting more frequently and a chance for her to clear her head. A one week break turned into, "I don't know how long I'll need". I was devastated; I couldn't understand why she was refusing to communicate about our issues and why she felt the need to run. I discovered she'd been having an affair since at least the middle of January.

An affair trumps everything. Spouse, marriage, family, etc. You were fighting because she was deep into her affair.

I've spent the past three days hinting at my wife that I knew and she finally cracked last night. She admitted that it was an emotional affair and it was never physical (she even swore on our son, something she's never said).

Sorry man but all cheaters lie a lot. Most betrayed come here and want to believe it was just an EA or it was all their fault. Perhaps so they can fix it. Very faulty thinking.

I’ve seen cheaters swear on bibles, parents graves, etc. maybe convincing but still lies once reality comes.

She arranged the separation so she could focus solely on her other man with you out of the way. If they were together it was a sexual affair.

The day after she left I looked through the phone records and noticed that she had called two different hotels in the area where her mom lives.

Sexual affair. Sorry.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:43 PM, February 28th (Sunday)]

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The affair was all on her. She did it because she wanted to.

Those that get through these things best get strong and stay there.

Do not live in denial or fear. You’ll only keep yourself in limbo.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:46 PM, February 28th (Sunday)]

Stay out of marriage counseling upfront. You have less than a 50% chance of getting a decent one from what I’ve seen. There are a lot of imbeciles in that field. Some cause more damage than they fix and a lot are rugsweepers.

Rugsweeping is a lifelong sentence of having it in the back of your mind.

Your marriage isn’t broken. She is.

Right now you have nothing to work with.

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:29 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

The way it happens is to first decide you are done sharing your wife.

Right now, you are too scared to take action. Every day that you let fear control you in this situation is another day you continue to share her.

Hey there, ltsstuck. I'm sorry you've had to find us here, man, but welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

If you haven't yet done so, be sure to read the two threads pinned to the top of the JFO forum:

"The Tactical Primer" &

"Newbies, important information..."

Also, in the yellow shaded area at the top left of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. Inside the "Articles" tab is a wealth of great essays written by veteran SI members to help get you started on your journey of recovery and healing.

...she says “I didn’t tell you it was him because you’d freak out if I told you it was a guy, I feel like I’m not aloud to have guy friends”.

Your WW (wayward wife) has been having an affair and now she'd busted. The vast majority of WS (wayward spouses) will go straight into "damage control" mode, which usually includes shit like lying, minimizing, deflecting, being defensive, blame-shifting, gas-lighting and so and and so forth.

I want my wife back, this woman I’m talking to is not my wife. How the fuck does that happen?

I know how you feel, brother. We all do around here. It's a mind-fuck of truly epic proportions to find out that what we thought was real isn't real anymore. It takes time to adjust to the new reality.

As to how that happens... the simplest explanation I can offer is that some people can "bend" under the strains and stresses of modern life while others simply "break."

It happens when the WS puts themselves in front of everything and everyone else including their marriage vows.

Remember they lie a lot about the whole A so to control any fall out. At the end of the day she is just a cheating spouse. Be it sexual or at the very least emotional. She will blame you for all of this. Tell others bull shit to gain their sympathy. Most of all she will expect you to change for her unicorn fart land mind palace.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 7:06 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

She admitted that it was an emotional affair and it was never physical (she even swore on our son, something she's never said).

Ltsstuck

Your wife meant this to be a positive. I’ve heard this so many times from cheaters that to me it’s a negative…almost a confession.

marriage counseling together

ltsstuck

Marriage counseling is what it says it is. The goal is to save the marriage period. The most efficient way to do that is for the betrayed spouse to get over the affair.

They say you both did things that hurt the marriage and minimize the affair. Basically they make the spouse that had the affair and the one that didn’t equal.

You both need IC first

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:47 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

she doesn’t want to talk about working through our problems or about the affair

Until she owns up to it, accepts full responsibility and does the work, I don't think marriage counseling will be a good idea just yet. And until she gets her head out of the sand I wouldn't allow her back into the home.

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:29 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

If it was only emotional", why two nights in a motel? Who's kidding who? They have had sex and have been clearly caught.

So they have a harmless friendship, but they need to hide this from everyone, right? If everything was friendly, it could include her friend, why is she out of it?

Her approach shows that you know very little of the truth. Swearing in a way she had never done before, while behaving rude and disrespectful, softening when caught and attempting to explain etc. These are all bad signs. She was already breaking up with you. If your allegations were unfounded she would consider it your slander and she would go further. You were the bad guy in your marriage and you slandered her, and all the good guys are trying to convince you that it's not true. This doesn't seem like a plausible story.

Please add me to the list of people that are so sorry that you are in this situation.

To have out of character spouse behavior, wonder" Could it be an affair" and then it IS an affair after lots of questions and revelations...it hurts so much. So much. I understand about the suicide hotline. It can feel like the pain is more than anyone could stand. But you are standing it and I applaud you.

Please take really good care of yourself in the immediate days to come. I won't repeat the awesome advice others have left here. I am so glad you found us. I didn't find it for a long long time. There is so much guidance and the reality that you are not alone! Others have lived this.

Peace and all the best.

If it were me I’d do full exposure to everyone.

Family, friends, etc.

You don’t have much to lose.

I know you said you don’t like hurting anyone but they has n problem hurting you and your kids did they?

Don’t worry about pushing her away. She already left.

Brother it is a shit sandwich

So as I understand it she is still out of the home, taking no responsibility for her actions and has abandoned the marriage. Legal advice for your location is needed ASAP. She does still have a responsibility to the marriage and child as she is his mother. So she can’t say not my problem.

Was this a exit A on her part?

Number one priority is your son. She should at lease be paying child support.

There is a lot going on at the moment but she is out and sorry to say; but is sleeping with her AP. Just get through the next couple of days for lawyer, std and DNA. Then one day at a time.

First, I’m sorry for your situation, all of us here have been in your shoes.

You need to be making contact with the OBS, not waiting on her to get back to you, this someone you know, not a stranger. You need to know where her WH was on the nights your WW searched hotels. She (OBS) is your biggest ally in this and IMO a key to saving your marriage.

I would suggest to you that the whole separation was for your WW to take the A physical or (probably more so) to create more space for their PA. I would bet that if you dig you will find the proof.

Stop being Mr Nice Guy, you cannot nice her back, it never works.

STOP communicating to you WW what you know. One of the biggest tactics W’s use is to account for only what the betrayed has information of, nothing thing more. So if you say, I know about all the phone calls, then she admits to we were only talking. Had you stated I know you spent two nights in a hotel with the asshole, she’d have coughed up it was only twice, trickle truth. So do your research, get with the OBS and put as much of the picture together, then confront.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:48 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:29 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

You are not in a court where you have to prove beyond reasonable doubt. You just have to be comfortable with the information that you have as to what they did.

If the guy’s wife does or does not agree with you, then that is her problem. You tried to tell her. That is all you have to do.

Good luck with the lawyer today.

Good luck and stay strong

You already know she cheated so instead of a PI that money would be better spent on a D lawyer, your WW is not even remorseful so you don't have much to work with, EXPOSE her with all family and close friends TODAY and without warning (make sure you name POSOM), and have her served D papers, if full exposure and D papers don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, either way you will be on your path out of infidelity, you can always stop the D if she comes around, ends her A, goes NC with POSOM and commits to doing the heavy lifting to restore the M she destroyed with her huge betrayal.

Nothing kills an A faster than full exposure without warning, exposure typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A the more likely she will hate POSOM. Act now, those who act decisively typically have much better results.