SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is there any reason you can't talk to the OBS?

Just my viewpoint - as a woman, the women who cheat and leave the home leaving young children for any amount of time are usually not good reconciliation candidates I am so sorry to say.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. And knowing what I now know about life, I choose my friends very carefully. I personally am not friends with people who abandon others, particularly children.

I am a mom and the healthy mother child bond would preclude me abandoning my child and the healthy spousal bond would preclude me cheating.

I am also in camp get every std test there is. It's a couple hundred dollars at places that specialize in this sort of testing. (A friend got herpes from her asymptomatic husband whose previous wife cheated.)

Dna testing too. Another friend is raising his cheating wife's affair child unknowingly until he got DNA testing (and she kept on cheating).

Your mileage may vary, but the cheater I am still unfortunately legally married to is a man who after decades of marriage risked my sexual, physical , mental health, financial,spiritual and emotional health. He is unsafe for me at any speed.

I have come to believe that the marriage counselors we saw became my co abusers. They encouraged me to take responsibility for his cheating and abuse and they even said things like "I don't know who to believe (I had screenshots and pictures) and "What does it matter if they actually had physical sex or not" (well yes because to my knowledge you can't spread incurable stds like hpv and herpes 2 by having "cyber sex" so yea him having actual unprotected rough sex including likely anal sex with someone who has herpes was a big deal to me..call me unreasonable).

As a BS who has been there before, I strongly recommend taking exquisite care of yourself and your children.

What I mean to clarify is to put yourself absolutely first and make sure to eat good foods, get sleep, get support that does not victim shame or blame you, and surround yourself with true friends. Seek the absolute maximum in temporary financial support and child support and carefully consider your choices from the position of what would a true friend tell you to do in the situation.

If I hire a PI how could they help?

No. You know she cheated and that is all you need to know. Use that money for a lawyer retainer and get the ball rolling. If I am thinking right her affair is probably an "exit affair". She most likely checked out on the marriage long ago and had this other guy lined up for a while now. Women never leave a marriage unless they have a safe place to fall.

I agree with those who say handle this calm and slow. She is the mother of your child and if you go to all out war with her everyone loses, especially the child.

What she has done is very wrong, I know how you feel, believe me. I have found that being nice to my wife and moving slowly has allowed my three children to be minimally impacted. I have also found it has kept my wife calm and cool.

I know the gut reaction is to get revenge, but as my pastor once said, "We complain that there is sin in the world but then we try to stop it with more sin we are only adding to the problem of sin." It's true. Set boundaries. Be firm. Be nice. Raise your awesome child. You deserve better.

[This message edited by routerx at 1:01 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

fyi - I have found PI's to be a complete ripoff. I don't believe it's worth it unless you know you will take your wife to court. Then, and only then, do you need evidence from a PI to show they met with the guy.

BUT - as I have learned, there is almost nothing to be gained with an at-fault divorce and it will only anger your wife --- the person you need to be a team with to raise the child.

[This message edited by routerx at 1:05 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

As Westway said you don’t need any more information regarding her infidelity. Just lawyer up, medical checks and look after yourself. When advised by your lawyer exspose her and his ways to all

One day at a time.

Hi Itsstuck. Please don't believe it when they tell you it was emotional only, your gut knows that's a lie. Love yourself and your son above ALL else. Best friends don't stab you in the heart and in the back. My "best friend " of 22 years did this to me. Lied for the past year at least saying he no longer loved me making me work my ass off to save my marriage when all along there was me, him and a *** in the marriage. Problem was not the marriage it was his cowardly deceit. Respect yourself brother, dont project your goodness, empathy, trust onto her, see her for what she is. This makes you codependent, sacrificing your principles and self value for the sake of another. Make her work for your trust, show that she is truly remorseful and that she's taken a cold hard look at her issues. This takes ALOT of therapy, to truly atone for your mistakes, it's painful because you connect with the pain you've caused. Hate to say it but the affair is probably the tip of the iceberg and there may be an awful lot of stuff that you don't know about her inner workings. Years worth of lies, problematic behaviors leading up to the culmination of infidelity. You don't need couples counselling, she needs intense therapy, to look at why she has attachment issues and why she needs to escape the reality of herself through fantasy (an affair). Sorry if this came across as harsh, but I've been screwed like you, however I've been seeing an incredible psychologist for the past year who has helped me discover my own childhood scars, my codependence and need to put others before myself and more importantly who's given me permission to believe in myself and stop settling for anything less than a FULL loving authentic relationship

Dday 1 May 13/20, dday 2 Jan 29/21

M 20 yrs, 3 kids 18,15,12

Filed for legal separation

Good luck, so sorry you're going through this

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:30 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry. Those sad emotions are tough, but you are strong enough to get through them, and we are here to help you.

Brother please look at IC for yourself.

One day at a time.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. We hear you and we do understand how much this hurts

As much as I want to put her shit on blast, I don’t have the evidence that it became physical… Emotional yes, but even then all I really have is her admission (which she’s going back on) phone records and some strange google searches. I know she at least had an emotional affair with this guy. I wish I had concrete evidence of more

It's hard to get a read on how you describe her. From my vantage point she doesn't seem keen on trying to save the marriage. Being a cheating coward, she would rather you file the separation and divorce so that she can tell everyone that it was YOU who ended the marriage and not her. She is working her public relations right now, trying to maintain her good and innocent image.

If she wanted to save the marriage she would step up and start taking responsibility for what she has done. I am assuming she has not done so.

I'm sorry you're here.

As far as affecting your work i'm sure we can all say we've been there. It can be a challenge but stay strong. I own a small business and it was very hard. Just couldn't check out or take time off. Not sure that would have helped but the pressure of running my business was compounded when having to deal with my ww affair.

you have and will continue to been given good advice and insight on this forum.

Best club no one every wanted to join

Looks like OP bailed. All past post has been deleted.

Update:

I did not bail on the post. My wife looked up my Reddit and saw I posted on r/survivinginfidelity (luckily it had been deleted as spam) so I nuked my posts here. I posted a lot of info that she did not know that I knew yet so I did not want her to see this.

She admitted yesterday that she cheated. She's still not telling the entire truth though-- she said nothing happened until after we separated.

My son is struggling with the separation and it kills me inside to see him like that. It's hard to hear especially when there is nothing I can do to fix the situation. I have never felt more helpless...

I am nearly over the shock and sadness of this all and I am beginning to resent and (almost) hate her. I feel this way more for how she's betrayed our son than what she's done to our relationship. Also for having an affair with a married man who has twin one year old's.

I will never understand the flawed logic and though processes of someone who cheats. How can you not consider the consequences?

When I see the title of your post I'm struck by the oxymoron it presents: if your wife cheated on you, how can she possibly be your best friend? A best friend would not do that.

Sorry you had to nuke your posts (I know the feeling...).

"I will never understand the flawed logic and though processes of someone who cheats. How can you not consider the consequences?"

I can't say that it's universal, because I'm sure some cheaters go out looking to cause harm. Those that don't go looking for harm, must first subscribe to the lie, "If no one finds out, no one gets hurt." Everything flows from that watershed lie that a consequence free affair is possible, and not inherently bad.

I don't recall your story. My son was three when my marriage ended. Successful co-parenting can make a big difference. It is important that both parties dedicate themselves to raising your son with the least amount of trauma and the most amount of love and security possible given the circumstances. My ex-wife is trash, but I sucked it up for the sake of my son. We co-parented successfully. If the OMS has not been notified, please do so now.

She admitted yesterday that she cheated. She's still not telling the entire truth though-- she said nothing happened until after we separated.

Your first step is to inform the other mans wife. Her affair is probably ongoing. That’s the quickest way to end an affair,

Get strong and take control or she will. That will make this even more difficult.