SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been along time since I have posted and just felt like that I should post an update. I am still with my wife and we are doing well. A lot has happened and we have fully reconciled. It was not an easy road and I was pretty horrible with her and I am truly ashamed as to my conduct. I pretty much held her to the cross for several years and I just could not let go of the infidelity.

I have finally found my peace and have forgiven her and myself. I always thought that I was a great husband but I realized that I was arrogant and never really was present in any conversation. My wife did betray me but has asked for my forgiveness, I told her that I did forgive her , but in reality I was angry for years.

I spent the time working on myself physically and mentally until I realized that I was totally neglecting her and our marriage. She became physically ill, over her guilt. I had to let go of my anger and sense of betrayal and rebuild our marriage, not an easy road. I read this forum almost daily but never post. My only thought is if you are betrayed either divorce or find it in yourself to truly make peace and reconcile do not stay for your children and not truly try to reconcile.

Were you ever able to get to the bottom of your wife's affair?

Thank you for this post.

This sounds like a long hard road. I'm glad you were able to move forward with her like this.

My wife said that at the time she was extremely angry at my lack of attention and she was being influenced by toxic girlfriends that ended up divorced themselves. Add in a predator, it was the perfect storm.The affair partner is out of the picture and we moved out of state, for a fresh start.

I take no responsibility for the affair but my lack of attention was due to my heavy work responsibilities and having three children to take to sports and other activities.

I take no responsibility for the affair but my lack of attention was due to my heavy work responsibilities and having three children to take to sports and other activities.

You blame yourself for the affair.

My H travelled extensively for 20 years of our marriage. I never complained. We made it work. Or so I thought. My H also was never accountable when he would be late. Would never ever pick up the phone. He would tell me he’d be home at 10 pm and walk in the door at 1 am.

Funny how his cheating occurred during the times he was home every night. Very little traveling.

And he claims we were disconnected. It was his excuse to justify the affair.

So you being a family guy/dad had NOTHING to do with her choice to cheat. It’s a crappy excuse in my opinion. She could have addressed it with you — but I will assume she said nothing.

The 1st Wife, I fully agree it was a poor excuse, I worked hard to provide for my family and I sacrificed a great deal. I thought that by providing for my family and doing everything to help out around the home was being a good husband. It just kinda sucks. None the less we are still together for better or worse.

None the less we are still together for better or worse.

Don't accept 'or worse'. It's a great line in a marriage vow, but those vows need to be reciprocated from each partner.

You weren't an attentive husband? Worked too many hours? I get it. I'm a workaholic---work way to hard to provide for my family. And it comes with consequences....one of them being that my wife may not be satisfied with the dynamic.

But so what? The ABSOLUTE WORSE thing that I deserved from that behavior would have been divorce petition papers from her. Never an affair. Never could I ever accept that my flaws would even steer her towards an affair. Seriously---how could my 'shitty' behavior lead to her lack of morality? Do I have that much influence over people---that I can make them do things against their wishes?

Like 1stWife said, I hear you shouldering some responsibility. Almost underlying. It's wrong to do so. It's unhealthy. It's a poor foundation to rebuild upon. You can address your shortcomings to the marriage, but if your wife isn't 100% sure that 100% of her choices were 100% of her own doing with 0% responsibility from you, then you are letting a wound slowly get infected. A greater problem will expose itself down the road. Be careful.

I read in several forums that after infidelity the marriage is stronger, better . I didn’t experience that, the innocent love is gone, what remains is a partnership with my best friend..

I raged for years most of the time it was in my head and occasionally I would go off on her. I guess my point if you say you forgive someone you must mean it. Don’t let it consume you like it did me. Prior to the the affair I was really laid back and had a lot of friends. Afterwards I am more withdrawn and more of a recluse.

I really trusted my wife and this affair shook my core foundation. I do not trust a lot of people, my mother had an affair with a married man and abandoned my father, sister and I and she had two children with this clown. I didn’t see her for years and I went to foster care and then to my Grandparents. My Father was or became a raging alcoholic due to this and I wanted to break the chain with my family.

Good to here your making progress, I remember your story and that your wife absolutely denied an affair. Did she finally admit?

And if so to what extent, good luck 😊

So, she finally admitted to the A?

In your long thread, she was till avoiding any admission, and used DARVO on you consistently.

How did you break that pattern?

I'd probably lash out on occasion too if my WS danced with OM in front of me, made out with OW in front of me, and refused to come clean after all of our mutual friends said it was a full blown off and on PA that had been going on for years. Not to mention how she blamed you for it and beat you down by telling you she could do better than you through out the time she was cheating.

Did she take full responsibility for the A? Did she work on herself in IC? Do you feel like she is a changed, better, safer wife today than she was when you last posted? Has she apologized sincerely for the terrible things she said to you during the A?

Wife did admit her infidelity and I was crazy angry over it. I do remember that onetime before I discovered the affair she asked me when we were watching a television show (cheating wife scene) If I could forgive an affair, I told her absolutely not, her response was severe depression. I should have known then. I thought that I was too much of a catch to get cheated on lmao 😂.

I didn’t ask for a time line I really didn’t care once or a hundred times, betrayal is betrayal. DARVO I had to look that up, it describes her to the T. I did therapy for a year for this and my horrible childhood. I have accepted everything and realized that I could only control myself.

I work now on being the best version of me and I am not responsible for her happiness.

Sorry, Unsure, but I wouldn't call this R if your WW hasn't stopped DARVO'ing and healed herself. Sounds like you R'd alone and are accepting of limbo.

Is there a reason why you don't push for her to do some work on herself or why separation isn't an option?

nekonamida, Yes my wife still uses DARVO in regards to arguments especially around our children, not the affair. Am I still in limbo? I would like to believe that I am not, to be honest I have reached a point where I am not looking for love or passion. I am happy with peace and is getting along. I don’t want to start over at this stage of my life I have too many assets and a business that I started and I don’t want to give it all away.

That said my wife and I are best friends and we do get along, she just doesn’t do well in a crisis or problems with our adult children.

Whomever says infidelity makes a marriage stronger needs to look deep and hard at what he’s stuffing into his pipe.

The WORK done to reconcile from infidelity can make a marriage stronger than before.

Sad thing is that this work is all stuff that a couple could commit to without there ever having been any infidelity. Work like getting plans, expectations, finances, goals etc in line, improving communications, learning to listen, appreciating each other…

Best comparison I have is this:

You survive a heart-attack and be told it was due to a unhealthy lifestyle. You decide to go get a gym membership, change your diet, meditate and de-stress your life. The decision doesn’t do anything – that gym-membership card doesn’t burn calories sitting in your wallet, nor do the eat-healthy cookbooks make good reading wolfing down KFC chicken. But if you go to the gym, learn the correct exercises and do them, start eating healthy, organize your life and find peace and calm… Maybe five years down the road you might look back and realize you are healthier and happier than ever, yet not once would you state it was all due to the heart-attack. It’s all due to the work done.

Bigger, I never said my marriage was better after infidelity, maybe I am misunderstanding this. My marriage was on life support after infidelity. I have a very skewed view of the world from my past, I didn’t grow up with high expectations from anyone, but my wife. My wife at first was in survival mode but eventually broke down and she was fearful that I would leave her. We talked about everything in detail and I even told her that if she wanted to be with the OM she could go, but the children were staying with me.

I am a CSA survivor and I never let my children out of my sight when they were young. We (I) never let them sleep over anyone’s house and we didn’t have a babysitter unless it was my sister or my mother in law.

We are working on better communication and being extremely honest with each other not perfect but improving. I guess I shared a little too much, slow and steady wins the race.

So, after all, you were found guilty for not forgiving inside, even though you said you forgive the cheater. That has distracted you from being the ideal husband a little. In this case, the wife who cheated on you had the right to continue to cheat of course. And leaving your job, you are serving your punishment in another state.

So what consequences did your wife face?

Are you sure you got over this? What makes you read this site everyday and what makes you write again after all these years?

We talked about everything in detail and I even told her that if she wanted to be with the OM she could go, but the children were staying with me.

Were these detailed talks about what to do next or were they the details of her A? My impression from your sentences is that you don't know the details of the A but you know there is and she just admit it. And I guess no matter how much she had told you know deep down that there is much more than that, if you haven't confirmed it with something like a polygraph.

Sorry, but this can't be called R. This is a complete rug sweeping.

Unsureman,

I remember your thread......

When you trailed off on posting, you still were not exactly sure what had transpired with your WW.....

I am glad to hear you say things are much better and peaceful now.....

But I have to ask......

Did you ever get a full confession from your WW about the A?

Do you know what happened (EA? PA?), and how and why she justified it?

Or is this new peace because you have just decided to accept that something happened.....but you decided just to forgive her and rugsweep?

My fear for you is this....

You rugswept her first EA.....and that ended up in this last A.

If you have just surrendered and rugswept again for the sake of peace, you are in serious danger of it happening a third time.

If memory serves, the AP was in your social circle, possibly somebody you viewed as a friend. Did you ever confront the AP? Inform his BOW? Excise them from your life?

So what consequences did your wife face?

Are you sure you got over this? What makes you read this site everyday and what makes you write again after all these years?

The consequences for my wife were that I just stopped pursuing her, I didn’t ever initiate sex, I put myself first in our relationship, I just stopped trying and I don’t think it will ever come back. Why am I still married? We have been together for a long time and have children and now a granddaughter.

Marriage is not bad just not great.

Yes I still read but don’t post because I don’t believe that I can give others the direction they need because I made a lot of mistakes when I was dealing with this.

If my wife and I divorce it will be from us continuing to drift apart not from her infidelity.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 7:20 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]