SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I just found out a few days ago that my wife of 12 years togoether for 19 (I am 37) cheated on me. We have kids. I will admit I am not the best with expressing my emotions but I am absolutely filled with rage and sadness. She is a covid nurse and did this act at work with a doctor or something not exactly sure of e role. She has been working g out and losing weight after the baby and gets the slightest bit of attention from someone and cheats on me. She also keeps trying to say that this year has been so hard and dealing with what she is doing has caused her such stress. She did not tell me about this for 6 weeks and finally did. She also did the act while at work in an office. With my rage I said some hurtful things to her. I am so sad and scared and disgusted by what she did. I don’t think I can ever kiss her again knowing what she did. Please help

[This message edited by Hurt330 at 9:19 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

I’m so sorry man. The stress of her job or any shortcoming in communication DO NOT justify what she did, at all. Not even .01%. Start reading through some of the posts about the 180, and please strongly consider getting in touch with a lawyer.

She cheated because she wanted to. For her to actually end up having sex with this guy she had to make THOUSANDS of individual little decisions to betray you.

I’d encourage you to avoid the fallacy of staying for the kids, but I know that’s a hard thing to do immediately. I hope you’ll think instead about what you would want your children to do in your shoes, and what kind of model you’d like to be for them.

Remember you have time to make decisions. There are a lot of very experienced people here (10,000x more than me). It’s a huge asset to have them in your corner. Consider their diverse viewpoints, but also stay true to yourself.

I remember the same feeling of “I will never want to kiss her or touch her again she’s tainted and gross.” In my case, I wasn’t married, but it never went away. It certainly was the second most important reason I broke it off after the simple fact of betrayal itself.

The other thing that really has me upset is that prior to this she was getting emotionally close to another co worker. While she was pregnant she said that I was not there for her enough physically and that guy co worker said he would do it. She let me know about this and we saw emergency therapy and she committed to me that nothing happened and she would put our marriage first and work to build back my trust. She was not talking with this co worker anymore and I was proud of her. Now she did this act with some random at her work and I am furious. How after I was just getting to trust you do you do that. It also was not just random. She said she did it twice. First was just kissing and next was the worst. Help.

Read the pinned threads at the top of this forum and also go to the healing library here and start reading articles there.

If you’re considering reconciliation she needs to go no contact NOW. That means quitting her job. Does the other man have a wife or girl friend? She needs to be informed. Same for the other asshole who was hitting on her.

Begin reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and have her read it too. You can get through it in an afternoon. It will give you a map of what she should be doing.

Peace

Also second consulting a lawyer. Knowledge is power and you need to know what your options look like.

hello asc1226. I am new to using a forum and my Mac does not let me click the reply icon next to what you typed. The person that she did the physical act with she told me has quit and moved to different hospital. I don't want to ask the name as it will have me spin into a rabbit hole of trying to hunt this person down. The other person that she had an emotional attachment with she says she does not talk with anymore and has ended the friendship. I think that is a good point for her to communicate what he said to her. I also set an expectation that if anyone says anything or does anything inappropriate at her job that she needs to report it to HR immediately and also let me know. I had her swear on her life that she will do this and also her swear on her life that if she comes in contact with the person she had the physical act with she has to tell me. Even if that means seeing them at the freaking store. I also told her that I want her to go get an STD test. She said that you can't get an STD based on the act she performed but I am not an idiot and want her to do it. I also want her to get an STD test because I selfishly know that is an embarrassing thing that she would have to do and I want her to be uncomfortable and go through some pain.

She said that you can't get an STD based on the act she performed but I am not an idiot and want her to do it.

Yeah, the only thing you can be certain about right now is that she is a proven liar. It’s going to be a very long time before you believe anything she says.Trust only her actions. Have her write out a timeline of both events and any other inappropriate relationship or interaction that has occurred since you’ve been in a committed relationship.You can decide what kind of detail level you need. Let her know she will need to undergo a polygraph to verify.

Do you have access to her phone and computer and all social media with all passwords?

You need to get STD tested also. Right now you can’t trust anything she says.

Also verify that POS actually has left the job.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 10:21 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Wait, she hasn’t told you his name, but said he moved to a different hospital? You are trusting her on this?

The reality is that he is probably still there and she wants to continue to see him, and also knows that you would make her leave the job if they still have contact.

Rule number one is to stop the affair. You need to be 100% certain he is not in the picture.

It’s also a rule that WS to protect their affair partner. Especially in the beginning when they still have deep feelings for them

Hurt330,

Do you know why she came forward now? Did you suspect anything or did she simply confess out of the blue? Since you mentioned the OM she had sex with left for another job, it is possible the OM's significant other found out and forced the job change. Your wife may have thought she had to confess or she would be outed by the OM's significant other. So, her confession may NOT be based on guilt but on self preservation.

I would not be surprised if this is just trickle truth and there were other affairs or acts she is not telling you about. This didn't just happen once based on her own omission. That's a huge red flag. Cheaters lie a lot.

Does it even matter that this supposedly an isolated incident that happened with kissing first and then a week later a much worse physical act. I feel like I would want to stay married to her but I keep having extreme rage waves that come over me. I honestly feel like I am manic and have never felt that way before. I will be fine and then get extremely mad. She made it sound like she was guilted into doing the act and I asked the therapist if that could be considered rape but he said it was not because she performed the act. I do have 3 kids and we have been together for so long I just can't wrap my head around how I would forgive her. I can't concentrate on work and right now she is at work and I am having extreme anxiety because that is where she did it. I am also very upset that she is texting and talking to her friends and saying that we are fighting and they are texting her and providing her comfort. Last night I looked at all those texts and told her that she needed to text each of them and say that she did something to hurt me and that I was not in the wrong. I don't want anyone knowing what she did because it is embarrassing and disgusting. Am I doing the right things. She also keeps trying to smooth things and will say "can you hold my hand" and to that I said no and I am very gruff and limited with my conversations with her. Probably because I want her to hurt and be in some pain. She did this 6 weeks ago and was able to mentally prepare a bit before telling me. I think she told me because one of her co workers saw the two walk ing out of a room and gave her a funny look. I think she though that somehow one of them would tell me so the guilt finally got her to tell me.

Now she did this act with some random at her work and I am furious. How after I was just getting to trust you do you do that. It also was not just random. She said she did it twice. First was just kissing and next was the worst. Help.

sorry to say this... but there is a very good chance that what REALLY happened is 10 or 20 times worse.

If she says "we had sex once", then you can consider they had sex many times. Truth never comes at once.

How did you learn for that new relation?

One thing you can do now : Prepare yourself learning the fact that it's much worse than you know at the moment: prepare yourself for the fact that she has slept with several partners and that it has been going on for several months.

Even if it's not true, it's best to prepare yourself now because it's probable.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 10:40 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Bluerasberry, supposedly this person was single guy. I don't know if I want to know their name as I don't want to look them up and have a picture of the face of the person. I feel it would consume me with more rage.

Bud, if she hides his identity the affair may continue if it even stopped.

Rugsweeping equals long term pain.

See your doctor and tell him what’s going on. He’s heard it before. Ask about anti anxiety meds and a sleep aid if needed.

I am also very upset that she is texting and talking to her friends and saying that we are fighting and they are texting her and providing her comfort. Last night I looked at all those texts and told her that she needed to text each of them and say that she did something to hurt me and that I was not in the wrong.

Has she done this?

asc, She texted a few of them. However one of her friends she just texted and said " he wanted me to text anyone and everyone and let them know that I did nothing wrong". That text got me upset because she should understand that even though I asked her to send the text she needs to own what she did and not put me in any sort of negative light with her friends. I don't have anyone that I am comfortable talking with and have moved to talking on a forum which I have never done. I am glad that she has friends and support as that is healthy but I need her focus on me and not herself. She needs to be worried about how I am feeling not getting comfort from her friends. Not a single one of them has said how is your husband feeling or what did you do.

Hurt330,

It sure doesn't sound like she is remorseful. If she was, she would be concerned about the pain you are experiencing. Sounds like she is just regretting getting caught or being forced to admit her infidelity.

It sounds like you would both benefit from IC. She needs to get an IC that specializes in infidelity.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Consider applying some sunshine to her betrayal by having her admit (in your presence) her infidelity to friends and family. This is causing you a great deal of pain and you need their support/understanding.

You must know his name,otherwise how can you ever be sure she isn't in contact with him.

Cheaters lie. A lot.

There had to be some buildup to the sex. It didn't just happen

And she is telling you he quit,and doesn't work there anymore? Please don't believe this.

He's also probably not single,but shebks protecting him from his wife finding out.

The first thing you need to understand is you can not believe anything she says.

There needs to be action from her.

You get his name.

She's fully transparent, meaning you get full access to everything, passwords included.

Std testing. What kind of nurse is she that she thinks she couldn't get an std from that??

She finds a new job. This is the second man. That you know of. That she is close to at her hospital.

Gently, I know this only happened a few days ago, but you need to wake up.

And DO NOT share this site with her. When you leave, erase your history. The very last thing you need is her in your safe place. Bringing an unremorseful WS to this site is a disaster.

I don't know if I want to know their name as I don't want to look them up and have a picture of the face of the person. I feel it would consume me with more rage.

There's no skipping the rage. Infidelity was probably the hardest thing I went through in life and I've buried one of my own kids. You can't put your head in the sand and hope this passes.

You should know who the AP is. Like others have said what you're dealing with now is probably not even close to what the real story is. And you're going to have to get that story yourself if you're going to know what it is. It's not like you have a wife that's looking out for you at this point.

Her actions with the friends sounds like she has zero empathy for what you're going through, and is putting the blame on you to boot. The default should be to terminate this toxic person from your life as quickly as possible. While you're dealing with that and she wants to do the work and take the actions to try to win you back, then you could consider it. But there isn't any way you can fix this. Either she has to do it or best to split ways as quickly as possible. She's not wife material and she never will be if she can't gain empathy, take responsibility, and fix her morality. None of that involves you.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but please listen to the advice given. Take it all in, use what you think will work for you.

I agree with the others on several points:

You need his name so you can confirm that he no longer works there. Right now your WW (Wayward Wife) is a cheater, and cheaters lie. And they lie some more to cover up the first lies...and it continues. Confirm for yourself if he's still there. As for the fear of knowing who he is, it may be better than wondering. And don't "go after" him once you know...he didn't cheat on you, your WIFE did.

This was NOT your fault. Despite any problems in the marriage the decision to cheat was HERS 100%.

Tell her friends if you think it will help. Many suggest this, but in my case the xWH's friends knew and either encouraged it or didn't bother stopping it. And they certainly didn't tell me about it.

She needs to leave her job because it seems she has no boundaries when it comes to confiding in male coworkers.

She needs to show you that she is remorseful. Finding excuses and blaming you is not remorse, it's self-preservation, and you deserve better.

The whole "swearing on her life" thing means absolutely nothing! Many here will tell you how people swore on their kids, their parents, their dead dog, only to discover more lies later on. Remember, she's a cheater and cheaters lie.

She confessed because she was afraid she'd be outed, not because she felt remorseful and needed to be honest. She's not telling you everything.

Definitely yes on the STD test. She's a liar and cannot be trusted.

Speak to an attorney. You don't have to decide at this moment if you want to reconcile or divorce but a discussion with an attorney will give you your options in terms of dividing assets, child custody, etc. It doesn't hurt to be prepared with information.

I'm so sorry. Please continue to post here and know that you are not alone.