SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is it called when you have someone who insists on doing nice things for you only to make you feel like total shit about it later? I mention under my breath while I'm dressing how I haven't gotten myself a nice summer dress in a while. WH INSISTS on finding one for me so we go to the mall and search and search and find one. Along with a few other things that I stopped and looked at (and told him no I did not want or need it only for him to buy it and look like the oh so attentive husband). Then, 4 hours later in an argument he throws it all in my face. To the point where I threw food out of the window because he was making me feel like a POS for asking him to stop. It was like the food was burning my body and it just flew out the window. I feel bad for tossing it because littering is the freaking worst but I just...reacted. if I could have peeled the dress off my body I would have. Why is is so damn hard to leave. I have somewhere to go. Why is it so freaking hard, y'all

I remember these days like you described with my first xh.

Aaarrrgggghhhh.

I think you wanted to try Reconciliation but it’s not working…

I went to a counselor who told me it’s so hard to divorce because there are legit good times woven into the bad times.

In Alanon I learned that b4 we do anything we think we have to explain why, make the other person understand our why, then do what we need to do. But, when you are dealing with a disordered person(you are dealing with a disordered person) we have to do what’s best for us—and they will never “get it.”

Start untangling debts, bills, pull back somewhat, see an atty secretly. Your WS has conditioned you to accept his bad behavior, but he’s so sick he doesn’t even realize it…and I mean that kindly. Some people we can’t fix, we have to block them out of our hearts and move on. We can love them from afar, but not live day in day out with them.

You stated you have somewhere to go. Please go there. Write down all the bad things he’s said/done to you. Read your list daily. The bad things are enough reasons to leave. Also get into IC, it really helped me clear my head.

Also, post in the divorcing section. You’ll find a lot of support there. I would say almost everyone in that section did not want to D our spouses, but we realized reconciliation was not working, and we were hurting ourselves further by staying married.

(((Elle2)

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:24 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]

I believe the technical term is "being a jerk."

Is giving gifts his normal way of showing love? He may figure that since he just expressed love through a gift, that you should be grateful and cut him some slack on whatever topic it is that you argued over.

Two problems with that: First, you may not perceive gifts as a way of expressing love. This is a "five love languages" thing. But even if you do, you can appreciate the gift, recognize the love, and still have an issue that you need to express to him that may create an argument.

Expressing love, no matter how you do it, isn't a free pass for any pain that the giver may inflict over the next 24 hours.

Is he in IC? Is he getting to the bottom of why he cheated in the first place? He may be angry and frustrated trying to come to terms with his shit and he's expressing it inappropriately.

Try to tell him that you appreciated the gift. You understand that he's trying to show that he cares. But what you need from him goes beyond a simple expression of love.

I second the idea of writing things down o that you have an objective record of what has happened. You've been conditioned to accept hisctreatmentbof you and even normalized it to a degree while simultaneously being angered by it. It's the conflict that is ripping you apart. Try making a list in thecnotecsection of your phone, one that you can add to, which briefly documents the situation and how you felt. After a while, you may see a pattern develop which will give you clarity.

Drama Triangle.

First, he does something for you that you don't want - Rescuer/Persecutor.

Then he switches to full Persecutor.

A good MC can possibly help, if your H wants to change.

The fact that he won't honor your 'No' is a giant red flag. The fact that he forces stuff on you and then gets angry is a giant red flag.

The fact that you end up feeling awful is a problem you can solve, but you probably need the help of a good IC.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.

Sounds like a classic Covert Narcissist to me. Try to do some reading and check Youtube. Dr Les Carter is a great reference. Believe me -they are the most cunning and emotionally dangerous types.