Sorry I had been gone, was busy, but I have a new job starting next month! The other candidate backed off so they called me in. Great opportunity, definitely a step up. I just need to dust off my German, but that's a challenge I look forward to.
Onto what was said here. First of all, thank you Kindern for understanding why I came here, to a separation/divorce section. Not that you all others are wrong, you are not, but I feel like going over everything over and over again does nothing else than it slows my healing. All these things you asked were already thoroughly examined and answered. What's the point of doing it again? would it change anything? Sincere question
But those things apparently intrigue you I will answer some of your questions
I wouldn't be too sure on this phrase. There are women who, despite know their exes were players or cheaters, still chose to get back on them because they had strong feelings.
Well, as I said this wasn't about feelings or love. The only love there was the love my wife felt for herself. For how he made her feel. He wasn't some kind of prince Charming on a white horse, coming to rescue her out of her miserable life. He was a tool. A tool to make her feel better about herself. She tried to cover it with a blanket of soulmates or whatever to make her fell better about herself (see the pattern), but that cover was blown off right after Dday. I can confidently say there is 0% chance she will even speak to him in a future. 0. She simply doesn't want to. Hope my stance on that is clear now.
Well, it's pointless to speculate now but consider the fact that she was able to hide two affairs right under your nose in a span of more than five years. Your STBXW is an excellent secret-keeper. Only the threat of a polygraph test were you able to know that she has been hiding two separate lives all along. In fact, whether you agree or not, if you hadn't discovered her affair they should still be going at it now.
Again, I don't consider the first an real A, more like a case of broken boundaries. We (me and my WW) spoke a lot about boundaries, and one kind of interesting fact came out and that is once a boundary is broken, it's very easy to repeat and move inside this new space. To kiss again for example. But to take it further, to break another, still existing boundary, that's completely different story. That's part of why they didn't go all the way. Maybe it has something to do with a person, their still present (even slightly) moral compas or whatever, or it's a universal truth. I didn't get more into this because it served it's purpose in my case and what difference would it make? But you are right, if I didn't kick off the lid, they would keep it alive. That she admits
Out of curiosity, did you question your WS about this behaviour? At face value, it smacks of cruelty. Did she revel in the fact that her BS met her AP, and did she escalate the physical contact because you were questioning her about it? To add to the thrill?
I did, obviously. Of course I did, because the level of disrespect left me speechless at the time. I remember I yelled and called her many nasty words during that time. She took it all. But she didn't revel in it, absolutely not. She was scared shitless that day. You should have seen them that day, it was so painfuly obvious. That was one of the biggest red flags I had. So no, it wasn't done in order to humiliate me and get off on it (I bet he did when I wasn't around, coward), but mere something that just happened. I just met her collegues, that's all. The fact that one of them kissed her just a few days before was a gem I had to dig out over next few months.
As Mr F kept trying to engage his WW on his suspicions she went more covert and yet doubled down on the PA, which essentially went active during the time Mr F was trying to engage her on his concerns. That she called his concerns controlling and absurd lies at the heart of it.
Selfish fog, nothing else. At that time, she didn't give a shit about me, she just didn't want me to interfere and take her "make-myself-feel-good" toy away from her. All that graduate PA was just a currency to keep him throwing her kibbles. Sick, I know, but it's true.
Mr F - in thinking about this, was that the purpose of your WW last ditch attempt to save the marriage during the weekend you went away? I.e her trying to address the cruelty aspect of her actions?
Oh I didn't give you a full report from that weekend? She offered me a 6 months separation with minimal contact, we both stay faithful and do some soul searching and in 6 months we meet and discuss where our heads are and if I still want divorce, we will file. I know this goes agains many things I posted here, but I should've had taken her offer and go with the separation. I actually should've gone with a separation two weeks after Dday. I can stress enough the importance of physical separation from your WS, especially if they are abusive or, like in my case, keen on making things work.
People, get that space! It will help you to see everything with a certain amount of clearance. It would save us a lot of long evenings of unproductive, tears filled nights. You will acomplish nothing when your heart overpowers your head.
I didn't mean future, I meant her original transgressions. I believe she "beat" the polygraph. I just cannot see any reality where they get to the point of burner phones and secret meetups without more. When we get right down to the core of the matter, her AP was chasing orgasms. Somehow, some way she was providing them. Perhaps it was only through video chats, videos and pictures. That was the Best Case scenario, but her AP had her way outside her boundaries already. Her stop sign was gone. The additional D day would have been more discovery or confession.
Most of this was adressed above. I have no idea how she would beat the polygraph. She was very open about everything before, had a blood test done the day of to make sure she didn't use any drughs, and the poly company was genuine, with many references. She asked me if I am happy with the result, othewise she will go someplace else and do it again. And let me tell you, going through a polygraph for cheating had to be probably one of the most humiliating experiences of her life. And I often catch myself not believing I put her through it. And I am not blameshifting myself here.
So again, thank you for your questins, but if they are unnecessary or useless for my healing and getting out of infidelity ruined marriage please try thing if it's really necessary to ask them. Also, many of them were already answered in my previous threads in JFO an General.
Thank you all for your concern,