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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:50 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Possibly straying off topic but I don’t at all mind thinking of R is a gift. I am the freaking prize and I worked hard AF post D-day to remind myself of that. Typically, at the time R is offered, it is offered to someone who certainly doesn’t deserve it. Despite displaying many signs of being a good R-candidate my husband absolutely did not deserve the grace I extended to him post D-day. Was I simultaneously holding his feet to the fire and putting refusing to put up a single ounce of bullshit? Yes, but there was also a lot of grace involved.

Did I want to R? I mean, I suppose, but ONLY on the condition that he worked his butt off to be someone i felt proud to be married to again. He knew it was a gift and he didn’t deserve and he worked to be a person who deserved it.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 655   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8691239
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:34 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Possibly straying off topic but I don’t at all mind thinking of R is a gift. I am the freaking prize and I worked hard AF post D-day to remind myself of that. Typically, at the time R is offered, it is offered to someone who certainly doesn’t deserve it. Despite displaying many signs of being a good R-candidate my husband absolutely did not deserve the grace I extended to him post D-day. Was I simultaneously holding his feet to the fire and putting refusing to put up a single ounce of bullshit? Yes, but there was also a lot of grace involved.

Did I want to R? I mean, I suppose, but ONLY on the condition that he worked his butt off to be someone i felt proud to be married to again. He knew it was a gift and he didn’t deserve and he worked to be a person who deserved it.

Yep, that's one thousand percent what I'm saying. I'm really glad he worked to deserve it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4635   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8691264
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 2:58 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

To be clearer, I'm not sure I consider I was giving a gift when I committed to R, and I wanted to get that POV out for other people to consider. I understand how it can be viewed as a gift, and I don't object to that at all.

The metaphor of 'gift' is a good one.

I think we agree that ... now I'm wondering if we can agree on this ... R won't succeed unless the WS does the necessary work, and it follows that the BS is wise to withold commitment to R until the WS looks like they will do the work.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8691314
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 4:00 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

I can agree with that 100%. smile

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 655   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8691321
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Bumping for DailyGratitude

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4635   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8697061
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