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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:50 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021
Possibly straying off topic but I don’t at all mind thinking of R is a gift. I am the freaking prize and I worked hard AF post D-day to remind myself of that. Typically, at the time R is offered, it is offered to someone who certainly doesn’t deserve it. Despite displaying many signs of being a good R-candidate my husband absolutely did not deserve the grace I extended to him post D-day. Was I simultaneously holding his feet to the fire and putting refusing to put up a single ounce of bullshit? Yes, but there was also a lot of grace involved.
Did I want to R? I mean, I suppose, but ONLY on the condition that he worked his butt off to be someone i felt proud to be married to again. He knew it was a gift and he didn’t deserve and he worked to be a person who deserved it.
Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:34 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021
Possibly straying off topic but I don’t at all mind thinking of R is a gift. I am the freaking prize and I worked hard AF post D-day to remind myself of that. Typically, at the time R is offered, it is offered to someone who certainly doesn’t deserve it. Despite displaying many signs of being a good R-candidate my husband absolutely did not deserve the grace I extended to him post D-day. Was I simultaneously holding his feet to the fire and putting refusing to put up a single ounce of bullshit? Yes, but there was also a lot of grace involved.
Did I want to R? I mean, I suppose, but ONLY on the condition that he worked his butt off to be someone i felt proud to be married to again. He knew it was a gift and he didn’t deserve and he worked to be a person who deserved it.
Yep, that's one thousand percent what I'm saying. I'm really glad he worked to deserve it.
DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:58 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021
To be clearer, I'm not sure I consider I was giving a gift when I committed to R, and I wanted to get that POV out for other people to consider. I understand how it can be viewed as a gift, and I don't object to that at all.
The metaphor of 'gift' is a good one.
I think we agree that ... now I'm wondering if we can agree on this ... R won't succeed unless the WS does the necessary work, and it follows that the BS is wise to withold commitment to R until the WS looks like they will do the work.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 4:00 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021
I can agree with that 100%. 
Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021
Bumping for DailyGratitude
DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
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