Sometimes it’s ok to say to a wayward spouse:
"What you did has destroyed what we had. Trust is gone and you have emasculated me. And having done it with our child growing inside of you at the same time is disgusting.
My heart loves you. But my head hates you. I can’t understand why, but the truth is, I wasn’t enough for you and for a year you gave your heart and body and mind to another man more than you were giving it to me.
So to be honest. Our old marriage is dead. We may have a relationship of some sort going forward. Definitely as coparents. Maybe some day as friends. Perhaps friends with benefits who knows.
But what is clear, the moment you chose to be intimate with another man, we stopped being husband and wife, partners who are in love.
So I think it’s best we legally end the marriage your choices destroyed. I promise to try to be fair in terms of the D as long as you are as well.
This has broken my heart. And I am very sad. But I cannot go on as your husband. I need to work on healing. And honestly, you’re a constant reminder of what you did.
My hope is down the road after months of therapy and years of getting to know each other again, perhaps we can find a way to build something new. But I can’t promise that. I can’t make any guarantees.
I vow to best coparent our children with you as best I can. That’s all I can give you right now. Please understand why I am saying this. I need to stop hanging on that something that isn’t there anymore and I hope you’ll work with me to do what I need to have right now.
And for right now it’s to end what no longer exists.
Ark I think your thinking what I’m saying. You’re at least feeling it.
She did something devastating. Doesn’t matter what was happening between you at the time, she showed you that you weren’t her one and only and focused not on working on the marriage, but instead decided to just drop an atom bomb on it.
You can’t just put this back together with super glue and tape. You need to take this relationship back down to the foundation. To before you were married or even engaged. You need to be acquaintances again before you can be anything else.
It can be done. It can happen. But is it likely that you two will some day find each other again and grow old together in a happy relationship. No. It’s not likely.
But to me, the only real chance to do that is not on the path you are on now where you have to basically swallow your ego and feel awful about yourself. To me the real chance is when you tell yourself The only real response to what she did is to divorce. What happens after that, your leaving Open all possibilities.
But know that once you do, at least anything next will be on your own terms. Your own choices. And if that choice down the road is to try again with her, then you will have made it as a person who has worked on himself in IC, become stronger and more sure of himself, and will be making such a choice not because you feel you HAVE to but because you WANT to.
I hope this helps.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:33 AM, Tuesday, November 2nd]