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Just Found Out :
kenny5alive

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 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 7:04 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

I don’t know how to do this, but here goes...approximately Sept 30th my live-in girlfriend went on a business trip to Sarasota. She got lost for 16 hours. No text answered, didn’t answer the phone, and didn’t call me when she got back to the hotel. Called the next morning, like nothing happened. When she got home, her pH was off and she had a cold. Went to both doctors several times for both. On Oct 3 I picked her up at the airport in Wilmington. Still, like nothing was going on. On Oct 4, I texted her and asked her did I do enough to keep her around. She then told me she thinks she wants to break up. I rushed home from work. We talked for a while and agreed to work on things. My life fell apart that day. She then had a couple (weekend) work trips to Pinehurst to "sort out finances"...this is when my life fell apart and I ended up in the hospital, a behavioral health hospital. The day I got out of behavioral health, there was a shirt that was a 2xl on the couch (I wear a small). She played it off and said her "friend" gave it to her because he’s a 3xl. I bought this lie because I wanted to work on our relationship. I think back now, and all the weekend work trips to pinehurst, Charlotte, and Florida were probably just a cover up. I have no definitive proof of this, but it was sketchy. She bought a new vibrator while she was on one of these trips. There are many small sketchy things that I now look back on that chill me to the core. On Friday night Nov 5, we went out all weekend. Still living together. That Friday she told me she was "interested in someone else". We went out all weekend, 3 or 4 times, dressed up and going to dinner, lunch, or whatever. We went furniture shopping on the 7th of November. We slept together 3 times that weekend. On Tuesday November 9th she had me committed to behavioral health again. When I got out on the next Monday, the locks had been changed, and all my shit was in storage. Now, I’m not denying my part in all this. Hatefulness, etc. However, after a 5 year relationship, I feel like that trip to Sarasota was where our relationship fell apart, and something unfaithful happened. This is my story, as best I remember, and I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Thanks for reading. I’d love some feedback.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8700401
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 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

...she also started hiding her phone and she had never done that in our entire relationship. She would take it into the bathroom and everywhere she went. Would go in the bathroom before bed for 15 minutes or so. Calling him, I’m sure. She would take posing selfies and send them to me days later. I know now that I wasn’t the only person she was sending them to.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8700406
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Dazedandconfused1978 ( member #79527) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Trust your gut.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2021
id 8700407
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:29 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Sorry you are a now a member of the greatest club no one wants to join.

You know she's lying.

Why were you committed to behavioral health? Your reaction to her cheating? Please explain further.

More than likely she is involved with someone else. Like the above poster responded, trust your gut.

Do you have a counselor you could speak to?

posts: 11378   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8700415
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 8:37 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

I'll check back in but you should get your personal information out of the title of this thread.

Maybe message a moderator.

posts: 893   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8700419
mad2

 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 10:42 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Hey, annb...yes. I checked myself into behavioral health due to her disgusting behavior, and because I thought I was the one who needed help.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8700431
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 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 10:44 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Hey @annb..I checked myself into behavioral health because of her disgusting behavior, and I thought I was the one who needed help. I have blamed myself for this entire episode.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8700432
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:53 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

I just have a minute, but please don't ever accept blame for HER actions. She owns them herself period.

No relationship is perfect. Cheating is never the answer. Communication, separation, counseling, are other options to forge forward with any issues whether the relationship continues or it ends.

BTW, weekends are a bit slow so hang tight. Others will be here to support you.

[This message edited by annb at 10:54 PM, Friday, November 26th]

posts: 11378   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8700434
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:31 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Well Kenny, there's probably nothing "wrong" with your behavioral health. As long as you're not suicidal, you're reacting normally to an extremely abnormal traumatic situation.

Your WWGF, on the other hand, could probably use some intense therapy. The only therapy you need is to help you recover from her madness.

You dodged a major bullet. Thank God you found out before marriage, kids, mortgage, alimony etc, etc.

You're going to be ok. If you leave her now, you will eventually be ok. You will go through some crazy withdrawals that will compel you to compromise yourself, that will make you vulnerable to her manipulation. Brace yourself for that, and just ride it out. It's going to take a bit of time.

Stay away from her. Go No Contact. Yes, she cheated. That's a forgone conclusion. She's already moving on. Time for you to do the same. There's an endless sea of opportunity out there and it's easier than ever to get out there and find The One. This time you'll be a lot more savvy with all you've learned from this experience.

posts: 776   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8700466
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:08 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Just b/c she blames you for her poor choices — she is doing that merely to absolve herself if any guilt.

Typical cheater behavior BTW

I think you are going to be ok and you will realize that you are not the one with the issues. She is. You just reacted to being cheated on and that is perfectly understandable.

I hope you have some friends and family who can support you during this time.

You at least have your friends here at SI who know exactly what you are going through.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11149   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8700470
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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 1:38 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Kenny,
Sorry to see you here.

I don't think there's any doubt that she's cheating.
By saying she "had you committed" I'm assuming she basically gaslit you to the point that you thought you were the one with the problem. Regardless, you should seek an individual counselor for yourself.

As far as the whole changing the locks and that nonsense, if your name is on the lease/mortgage this is a huge problem. You are still legally bound to the lease/mortgage and she has zero right to prevent you from entering your own home.

The good news here is that you aren't married. You can walk away from this and let her be someone else's problem. Are you in a position financially to walk away and get your own place?

BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 506   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8700485
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:22 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Won't answer the phone.
Wants to end it.
weekends away to sort out "finances".
HIS clothes right there on your couch.
Different "trips" to different places.
New locks and stuff all packed - she already moved you out.

Those are all red flares and are common when an A is underway.
She's a GF. She's actually an ex-GF: she left this relationship some time ago.

The above is my opinion based on what you posted and known behaviors of cheaters.

For your sake: move on. There is nothing left here: nothing.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 991   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8700490
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 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 5:03 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

@rugswept, @realityblows, and @the1stwife, and anyone else I missed....I want to say that I appreciate your feedback. I was thinking this morning about the trip to Florida. On that Friday night, she "stepped outside" a restaurant to the sidewalk to talk on the phone. It was louder on the sidewalk than in the restaurant. That was the last I heard from her until noon the next day. She’s a terrible liar. More details about that trip are sketchy. I’m sure it started before this, but that’s when I noticed it. I asked her that night if she was alone, she said "yes". Wouldn’t have sex with me when she got back for a few weeks...just truly disgusting behavior. I don’t know how I could have been so stupid.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8700591
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CereBella ( new member #79510) posted at 7:26 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

I don’t know how I could have been so stupid.

Please don't beat yourself up over this... we've all been there and have all wondered the same thing. The reality is, none of us are "stupid". We are caring people who thought we were in committed, loving relationships, so we trusted our partners. THEY are the ones who are stupid... they betrayed that trust.

As others have said, you are fortunate in some ways - you're not married to this woman, so you can easily walk away and start a new life without going through the crap that comes along with a divorce. I am at the start of a divorce from my WH after learning that he's cheated on me for almost the entirety of our 18 year marriage. I found out about one long term affair in 2011 and we separated for a couple of years. I believed he had done the work and changed, so I took him back, only to learn about (just recently) two more long term affairs that were going on at the same time for the past year and a half... talk about feeling stupid... trust me, I know how you feel.

Your WGF has clearly stated her opinion of you and your relationship by her recent actions. I know it's hard, but don't waste any more time on her. Move on, heal from the pain she has caused you (I highly recommend therapy) and build a new life. There is nothing wrong with you... SHE chose to cheat and betray you, but you will need help to move past the pain and betrayal.

posts: 45   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8700596
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 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 7:40 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

@cerebella...as the details become clearer, this is what makes me feel like an idiot. I KNEW in my gut that something was wrong. She started hiding her phone, etc. I do not remember when that started, but we sat down to dinner together every night, I would cook after I ran, and worked, and I would have dinner ready. She worked long hours. She used to throw her phone on the couch and have dinner. Toward the end, her phone never left her front pocket. It’s just the details that are driving me crazy. I have someone new, but I can’t commit fully to her. She’s a beautiful, smart, wonderful girl, I’m trying to get back to being able to trust. I know it’s probably too soon, but I have to move on.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8700597
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:39 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

Hi, Kenny, please DO NOT get involved with anyone yet. You need time to heal and process the betrayal.

In essence, you will be using this other woman to help you feel good. Not Good. It will not end well, and it's not fair to her at all.

posts: 11378   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8700600
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 11:47 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

Hi, Kenny, please DO NOT get involved with anyone yet. You need time to heal and process the betrayal.

In essence, you will be using this other woman to help you feel good. Not Good. It will not end well, and it's not fair to her at all.

Ditto!

Not only is it not fair to this other person, you are avoiding moving through this by focusing on a new relationship.

It is like pushing a pause button, meanwhile you adapting to your live-in girlfriends deception not only is frozen, but it may slowly reverse as it hasn't been fully absorbed yet.

Added to this, if you are a good person, is the guilt of hurting someone else. Sure, cheater is free to do this as an uncaring person, but you are not. Sorry, the higher functioning among us carry the burden. The reward on the up side, you will live a full life you are capable of reflecting on, as opposed to a shallow one with sudden traumas we are unable to learn from.

Take care. You will move through this, time has it's own pace.

posts: 652   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8700608
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Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 4:53 AM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Dear (((Kenny)))

as the details become clearer, this is what makes me feel like an idiot. I KNEW in my gut that something was wrong

This is one of the things that most of us betrayed feel. It can be something hard to get over, now you and your brain can't even trust yourself. You will have to accept that you were trusting someone who should have been the most trustworthy person in your life, the person who "had your back". This was an act of treason, so be gentle on yourself.

When I got out on the next Monday, the locks had been changed, and all my shit was in storage.

Were you living together? Were did you go after being locked out, just after going to the hospital!?
FYI She could not kick you out if this was your primary residence.

How old are you?

I understand the idea of a new GF, it helps, but you really should learn to spend time with just you. Find your goals and passions for your life. Move to making yourself and this world a better place. Love follows.

May you be your best soon,
Organic

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 154   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8700621
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

It takes emotional maturity to acknowledge mental health issues.
I don’t know if her actions pushed you over the edge or not, but I do know that her response to you seeking professional help is about as bad as it gets. At a time when you needed support and safety, she evicts you from your home. If nothing else, it IMHO shows she’s not really future-partner material.

I think you should focus 100% on YOU. Focus on your mental health and on getting set up to continue life. I agree with the posters suggesting evicting you might be illegal, but IMHO you are probably better off having distance between the two of you. Getting evicted might become a blessing enabling you to escape a toxic environment.


ps: There is NO WAY you can or should have found someone to even consider having a relationship with if you were evicted at about the 15th and are having those thoughts on the 24th. Focus on YOU.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10172   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8701627
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 Kenny5alive (original poster new member #79627) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I thank each and every one of you for your support. It is a really tough time. I feel betrayed, and a lot of the little details are becoming very clear now. Even back to August. Anyway, I have no idea what I’m doing, so thanks.

Kenny.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Wilmington NC
id 8701807
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