SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Together for 10 years, married 4 years and just had our second child. At 8 months pregnant I found out he cheated on me. Thought I could R because we have a 3 year old and we were about to bring new innocent life into this world and I wanted the best for them…3 months after dd and I’m finding little improvement in moving forward.

Back story: a relative suffered a traumatic injury in March. We sold our first home to move closer to my family. We found a home and after a month in, I got covid. I isolated from my family for 2 weeks. I took time off work for 2 weeks. When I returned to work, I not only had to work late to make up for missed time but also to prepare work for my replacement for when I started maternity leave. All while this was going on, my parents moved into our home as their house was being foreclosed. My father was still receiving treatment.

In September, my husband started texting escorts asking for availability. He acted on one, got an erotic massage. I found out by looking at his Apple Watch he left in the bathroom. We were already arguing that weekend about him not being home and being out with friends. This was a hard blow.

I confronted him that same night. He said she wasn’t naked, but he was. He swore it wasn’t a handjob but that she did tough IT. He said he didn’t even get a release because it all felt weird. That was a lie. After further questioning, they were both fully naked and she did jerk him off. The only consistent thing is that he didn’t finish.

I saw the texts. He texted at least 7 escorts and tried to set up a time to meet after work. Most weren’t available when I was at work, only after. He texted one while I was at my first post covid pregnancy check up. I was nervous to see what covid had done to our baby. He was texting back being reassuring and even offering questions to ask the doctor. I saw text messaged to an escort asking if she was available while I was at the doctor- she wasn’t. He tried everyday that week, reaching out to a different escort at different times throughout his day. No luck.

On Thursday that same week, I decide to work from home since our son had been sick. I wanted to watch him. He texts me if I ended up staying home, I reply yes. I see a text message to an escort that same day asking if she was available that day, 5 MINUTES after I confirm I stayed home. She wasn’t.

I text him that same day that he needs to be home ASAP cause my mom needed help. That help is resolved and I tell him to take his time. He says okay and that he needs to go the store and get gas so he’ll be home a bit late. I call him 30 min after telling him something funny our son did. I cross reference call time and the time he texted a different escort for availability, I cross reference the call… he was at the escorts Parking lot when I called. When he heard my voice, my sons voice. He was parking to get intimate with someone else.

I remember, he came home that day as normal as usual. I couldn’t smell because of covid. I wonder if I would have been able to smell something that day.

It’s been 3 months since his actions. He says it was a "‘moment," but it was a weeklong event. It was planned, it felt very intentional. He says he was lost because we weren’t connecting…he would ask for intimacy but I didn’t want to at 8 months pregnant.

I checked everything i could after finding out, his social media, email etc. I found that he logged into massage/handjob sites online in 2019, 4 months after our son was born. He swore he didn’t do anything and he was just curious.

He claimed he was just seeking a massage and was just curious about the erotic part, but said he wouldn’t go through with actual sex if it presented itself. BUT
He got condoms 2 weeks before his act. He reached out to pay these women a lot of money.

It’s been 3 months. Our daughter has arrived and I’m
Still depressed, angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know what to do. I thought I wanted R but there are other things that make me think it won’t be worth it. I worry for my kids though and also don’t want to D because they would suffer.

I’ve spoken to one other person about this, a friend. I’m considering professional help because I want to get off this emotional rollercoaster and be present for my baby and son.

I'm so very sorry. A husband who cheats on his pregnant wife is horrible. Factor in that you had covid,so your immune system was very weakened, and what your husband did wasn't only stupid,it was dangerous. He could have killed you both.

You're right. This was very well thought out,and planned.

It's very rare that a betrayed spouse knows everything. Cheaters lie.

It's also rare that an erotic massage doesn't include sex.

I'd insist he take a polygraph. You can not move forward without the truth. And it doesn't sound like you have it.

Also, his reasons for cheating are bullshit.

He has a lot of work to do on himself, before you should consider reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:46 PM, Monday, December 13th]

Sounds extremely well thought out. Was shopping around. Bought condoms ahead of time. Was seeking availability of multiple escorts.

I wouldn't see this as anything other than intentionally stepping out on you with escorts. It wasn't a "moment of weakness". I would guess he even had his apology pre-planned.

So, to get through it you need him to give full, honest disclosure. Consider a polygraph to confirm, or even more digital transparency than you have now. It's not clear if he gave you access on purpose to his texts, etc. or if you got them yourself.

Gosh I am so very sorry you are going through this!!!
This is so devastating and traumatic for you.
I am fairly new to this as well so I can’t offer much but be assured the veterans will chime in with wise advice.
I will share what has helped me:
Seek out a friend you trust and pour out your heart. I always found it helpful to just talk.
Keep a journal. If you are concerned about someone finding it and reading it, then you can do it electronically. I created a separate email account where i write my journals.
Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Especially since you recently gave birth. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes your way. Cry as much as you need to. Don’t put too much weight into those emotions. Let them just come and go.
It’s too early to decide or even think about R or D. Give yourself time.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Let the rawness of all this calm down so you can think clearly.
If you come from a place of faith, lean into it like your life depends on it. This was the single most powerful thing that has kept me standing.
I will be praying for you.

He says he was lost because we weren’t connecting…he would ask for intimacy but I didn’t want to at 8 months pregnant.

Hellfire is right... he could have killed you both, exposing you to God only knows what at a time when your immunity was compromised due to illness. And then, he gives you this trash in the quote box above as his excuse? Girl, I have to commend you for your restraint. How you didn't drop-kick him into the sun is beyond explanation.

Seriously though, when your WS gives you some blameshifty, bullshit excuse, like "you weren't available for intimacy", what he's telling you is that his fidelity is predicated on YOUR behavior. He's apparently got no self-control, no values, no boundaries. His behavior is completely contingent on yours.

How could you ever trust this guy who has admitted to you that he's got NOTHING going on in his character? It's like if excuses cost money and he couldn't afford a good one, right?

Cheating is about character. It's about integrity and how we relate to our stated values. When we marry, we make vows of fidelity, and those vows are supposed to reflect out true beliefs. The cheater gives lip service to the words but his belief in fidelity is weak and permeable. He's got a "but..." in his values system. ie. "He believes in fidelity, but... not if he has to wait for sex." You see how that works, right? There's not supposed to be a "but..." in our core values. That's like being a little bit pregnant. You either are or you're not. You either believe in the values you claim... or you don't.

This wasn't about you, or all the upheaval that happened in your lives, or even about "connection". It's about your WH's immaturity and his lack of integrity. And yes... those are things that he can fix. But he's going to need to take 100% responsibility for his choices and straighten out the mental gymnastics which made it possible for him to say "yes" to perfidy. He's not a safe partner until he has learned to truly HONOR the values he claims to espouse.

I’ve spoken to one other person about this, a friend. I’m considering professional help because I want to get off this emotional rollercoaster and be present for my baby and son.

This is a good instinct, although I would avoid going for MC (marriage counseling) right now. The last thing you need is some quack green-lighting your WH's irrational excuses, and believe me, there are still plenty of therapists out there working with the "unmet needs" model of therapy who will be more than happy to fuck up your R.

Better to start with IC. In fact, I'd be proactive and interview IC's for him as well as for myself. For him, you want someone who believes that cheating is a character problem. The litmus question is "do you believe that cheating is about the marriage or about the cheater?". If they can't say it's about the cheater without equivocation, move on. Marriages don't cheat. People do. Your WH needs to take 100% responsibility for what he has done and he needs to remediate his poor character. Otherwise, he's always going to be a cheating risk.

I do think that you should give some consideration into forming your support network. It's hard to hide this kind of trauma from people who know you well, and while you're not going to want everyone you bump into knowing all your business later on, for right now, you need your key people. It's also up to you to decide who you tell in your WH's family. If you think his parents, for example, would be keen to support your marriage, you can insist that WH inform them. It will serve you both for him to build an accountability network with his key people.

You might check out The Healing Library. There will be some helpful articles in there. And also look online for a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It's very short and I think it would serve you both well to read it. It can help your WH with empathy because the author describes in some detail about what the BS is going through, but for you... it also describes the habits of "good rebuilders". That might help you to see what he's doing wrong and what he's doing right.

This is a really hard situation. We've all been there, so we know. But you will get through it. It sucks. It takes time. Have some faith though; you'll get there.

((hugs))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:20 AM, Tuesday, December 14th]

ISEAU-

As the BS whose WW cheated on me, with a man whose wife was around 7/8 months pregnant, I'm sorry that you find yourself here and on that side of the coin. I met with the OBS and she was absolutely devastated when I called her and we met up to get her info that I found out about our cheating spouses.

To cheat on someone is pretty horrible, but the women who tries to steal another mans husband during this very difficult and emotional time, and the men who cheat on their pregnant wife whose carrying this child.... that the bottom of the barrel low. You've been heard and there are others on here that went through what you are experiencing now, you are not alone.

As for your husband, its clear as day he has been planning this. Shit, the guy was SOOOO desperate, he hit up everyone around for some ass. You can see that right? He was so desparate to line things up while you were giving birth or away.

Do you know if he has abandonment/dependency issues? Is he clingy? Seems almost extreme his attempts to reach an escort. Which brings me to my next point. This dude has done this before. He didn't just all of a sudden find 7 escorts to hit up. You are best to Poly him to get to the bottom of this if you want to fix this. But make no mistake, he is a low life for cheating on you while you're pregnant, and he was willing to risk it all even while you were carrying his child. That's fucken low life central.

He is not a safe partner. What's he gonna do next time you're away from home for a couple of weeks. What about if you had to go into the hospital for surgery and you're out for a month. What if you had to go take care of your parets longer term than you have, he is going to go outside and look for some ass? Seems like he's got some issues he needs to address.

He’s not been honest with you. Not once.

So sorry for you as you have very little to work with.

Thank you everyone for listening and for your input.

I did kick him out the following day and he stayed at a hotel for a couple of days. However, my son is a daddy’s boy and constantly asked for him. I couldn’t do that to my son so he came back and slept in a different room for a while. I also didn’t want my parents in my business since they live with me, my mom would have asked questions and made things worse for me. I just wanted to be alone for several days after I found out. I wanted to get away. I felt trapped since I was 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know why I looked at his watch that night. He left it in the bathroom, no permission to view it.

I asked what he did that day and he said nothing why. I asked to look at his phone that night and the texts were deleted. I asked several times again in more detail and he denied anything. I then asked the most specific question and he didn’t say anything. That’s when I showed him the texts on his watch.

I relive this moment every week, sometimes more than once a week. I had the numbers memorized for a while. I looked up the numbers, escorts and what they offered. I was spinning and digging myself deeper into knowing everything that he wasn’t offering. He says he doesn’t want to talk about what he did anymore because he’s embarrassed. Sometimes I still need to talk about it since I’m so angry and he’ll talk about it.

He’s apologized, given me access to his social media and let me hold on to his watch. He now shares his location with me. He says he’s trying. But honestly, it’s not doing anything for me. Even if he didn’t cheat agajn, it’s the way he cheated that hurts the most. So calculated. I don’t think I can get passed that.

Im exhausted. I stared at our daughter last night and apologized for bringing her into this mess. When I was pregnant with her I literally said I didn’t want her, even though we tried 4 months to get pregnant after a miscarriage. I don’t wan to think this way. I love my kids so much, but I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s also the thing that hurts me so much. We’ve been through so much together the past year. A lot of serious issues and we’ve overcome them together. I always felt supported and loved by him. His actions made me feel like he hated me.like he wanted to hurt me.

I’m a very strong woman, but he chose to do the worst thing at my most vulnerable state. He definitely broke me.

He’s been around because we have a toddler and newborn that require a lot of attention. I couldn’t do it by myself in this state of mind and I don’t want to ask anyone else for help yet because then I’d have to explain the situation. Making it more real. as if that’s a thing. I think someone said it, it happened so it’s real. I haven’t quite accepted this as my reality though

He says he doesn’t want to talk about what he did anymore because he’s embarrassed. Sometimes I still need to talk about it since I’m so angry and he’ll talk about it.

He’s apologized, given me access to his social media and let me hold on to his watch. He now shares his location with me. He says he’s trying. But honestly, it’s not doing anything for me. Even if he didn’t cheat agajn, it’s the way he cheated that hurts the most. So calculated. I don’t think I can get passed that.

You're not required to get past it. No WS is owed a second chance. They all know the score. Most don't think they'll be caught is all. But you don't have to take this guy back. Right now, he's not even giving you any incentive to take him back.

Talking is healing. The trauma that you've been through does something to your brain. It gets the amygdala all fired up and stuck on high alert. It causes you to question everything you thought you knew. It's like your brain is an organic computer and you're being asked to overwrite a corrupt data set. Now, you feel this burning need to verify all the new data, and reverify, and reverify. This is NORMAL. It's something that most of us go through.

WS's, on the other hand, often feel like we're just rubbing their nose in it. They're embarrassed and wrong and they don't want to talk about it. But... TALKING IS HEALING. You need to KNOW who this guy is and what he's all about, because he just casually betrayed you like it was effortless and that's a version of him that you didn't know existed.

Reconciliation takes two. That is, if you want to heal the relationship and not just rugsweep it. So far, your WS doesn't appear to be onboard in any meaningful capacity. What is he doing to identify and remediate the holes in his character? Has he signed up for IC? Is he reading books on healing after adultery? Has he built an accountability network? I think it's okay for you to say, "not good enough". The worst possible outcome here is not that you might end up divorced. The worst possible outcome is keeping a remorseless cheater who is capable of casual betrayal. In order to prevent that, you'll need to be proactive in your boundaries, meaning that you are the final arbiter of what's good enough for you and what kind of treatment you will tolerate going forward.

My heart absolutely goes out to you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. This can't be easy. I have been in your shoes before and it is absolutely heartbreaking. I recommend seeing a counselor, especially since you have thought about that. My counselor has helped me tremendously and I am so thankful for the guidance I've received. My heart is breaking for you and I am so thankful you shared your story with us. You are very brave. Hang in there, friend!

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I was not completely in your shoes as my kids are older but in some ways, splitting when they are young is better. I am not saying you should. I am saying that you need to give yourself a lot of time to heal. You did not start driving right after giving birth, right? Your body needed time.
Same way and to a crueler degree, infidelity shocks and creates trauma along with already a harmonal body with child birth. People here are incredible wise and I have learnt to listen to them and follow their advice. Ironic that when your closest person betrays you, an Internet stranger is what I am asking you to trust. Please trust these people as they have gone through the path you and I are going through.
First things first- you need to eat and have proper nutrition for your daughter and yourself. Talk to your friend but you need a therapist. This is the one time you need to look out for yourself to be stronger as a person, better as a mom and spouse and daughter. You can’t skip that at all. Please invest in yourself. I wish I could say something magical that will take this away but alas I have nothing but virtual hugs and blessings and prayers and may you have many a friends to walk through this path with you as I received.
As far as parents are concerned, you need to tell the healthy one. You need love, care and holding and won’t you want the same for your kid if your kids needed help in these cases.
Hugs and all the best. Please stick around.

I’ve confided in 2 friends today and feel so much better. I have my first IC this weekend. WS is aware of the session. I told him that we both need IC before we could consider MC. We fought today in front of our son and it was the hardest thing to witness. Our son knew we were arguing and he cried so much. It was then i told WS what I needed from him and what he wasn’t doing to help me heal.

He was frustrated. He explained he is frustrated because he thought we were doing good and that he was working on changing. He said he’s frustrated at himself for what he did and having us deal with these consequences. He wishes he didn’t do any of it. He acknowledges that my pain is no way to live and not healthy and wishes he did not have the obsession he did when he was texting escorts. He swears on our baby it will never happen again.

I told him I can’t decide right now on R or D as we both need help first. He’s agreed. We went to sleep unhappy and frustrated.

I initiated this conversation tonight after almost 3 days or little to no talking. He said he thought about separating because I wasn’t talking to him and it’s not something he wants to experience for the rest of our lives. I didn’t talk to him because he said he felt attacked for the way I’ve been speaking to him and his reaction to me seemed aggressive/defensive.

Anyway, we talked today by using the "i feel…" instead of "you did…" sentence structure. We are working on communicating as that’s part of our issue.

Again, I don’t know what the future will hold but we both want what’s best for our kids.

Your husband is gaslighting you. All of us have been there where them falling into someone’s vagina was somehow attributed to us first. If only we were loving to them, if only we talked to them better, if only we gave our full attention to them. The most beautiful part of these stories that WS tell is - it’s all our ( bs) fault at the beginning.
Every cheater and liar does it and your husband is doing the same playbook. First comes tt, minimizing then subtle blame shifting and then comes paralyzing shame for them when you tell them ok, I am clearly not good enough, let me pack for you. And then they want us to get over it at a lightening speed and the person who betrayed the trust wants us to take their renewed promise at face value. What your heart, self esteem and body is suffering needs to be over soon so that they can have status quo.

If you do it- two things will happen. He will do it again or you won’t have the healing. He does not matter. He stopped mattering the day he stepped out on you. In fact kids didn’t matter to him too. Remember what he was doing while you were dealing with your pregnancy. This is not your fault and under no circumstances, you need to take any accountability here.

You need to move at your own pace. You need to sort out your heart, your body and your kids. He needs to be kicked out and get uncomfortable. You need to do IC and act separated from him. You will do MC when and if you are ready. My husband is guilty of it and so are many others. Don’t mistake his shame for remorse. Remorse moves mountains, takes accountability whereas shame is the sneaky bastard that is still blameshifting in its IC on you.

Is he capable of change? Is he capable of successfully reconciling? Time and his effort need to judge that. Till then, you focus on yourself. If you get healthy, you will attract the right energy. Don’t undersell yourself so much that he walks all over you again.

These are tough times no doubt. Your whole family has been going through so many changes and the stress levels have to be off the chart. It's hard to stay sane admist all this but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I am glad you have a counselor to help support you and work through your emotional needs. It will take time and more time for healing from all you have endured. Daily Gratitude has some good advice. Someone once told me a couple that goes through strife and overcomes is alot stronger than the couples who just roll along with seemingly no issues. I kmow this has been a really hard situation to accept but have you thought about the possibility of growing stronger together in the long run. It is not a total loss. I will lift your whole family up in my prayers. Take care.

...and wishes he did not have the obsession he did when he was texting escorts. He swears on our baby it will never happen again.

If it was as easy as simply saying it will never happen again, how did it happen the first time?? No. This is something the cheater says when he doesn't want to go to therapy and explain what he did and why he needs help. He has ALREADY risked your baby. Swearing on that child's head means nothing.

... he said he felt attacked for the way I’ve been speaking to him and his reaction to me seemed aggressive/defensive.

Anyway, we talked today by using the "i feel…" instead of "you did…" sentence structure. We are working on communicating as that’s part of our issue.

It's good that you've found a communication method which is working for you, but honestly, I think there's some double-standards going on here. Do you think that if you had fucked some guy that your WH would be tiptoeing around you making sure he didn't hurt your feelings? I'm not saying that you have to be on full-time blast, but that doesn't sound like the kind of person you are anyway. Your WH is not a child. He's a full-grown man who is demonstrably competent enough in communications to find, negotiate prices with, and hire a hooker.

There's something called "the Karpman Drama Triangle" that you can find online and study. In a nutshell, there are three roles we play when we're locked into a drama pattern: persecutor, victim, rescuer. Note how your WH has moved from the persecutor role to playing the victim which leaves YOU in the rescuer role as he withdraws from the relationship. It's all a manipulation. It's like an unofficiated middle school basketball game. He fouls you, then when you get mad. he threatens to take his ball and go home, leaving you to be the one smoothing HIS hurt feelings instead of the other way around. Persecutor >>> Victim >>> Rescuer. What you'll notice too, as you study the triangle, that eventually the "victim" gets tired of being rescued and turns back into the persecutor again. It's an immature dynamic, something to be avoided. The best way to manage the Karpman Drama Triangle is to recognize what's going on... and then get out of it and into a healthier, ADULT dynamic.

Anyway, give that a look and see if it's something which can help you. I don't think that the kind of apathy you're describing in in your WS is warranted. He is NOT the victim here. You are. And he needs to take ADULT responsibility for what he's done and remediate the defects in his broken character which allowed him to do it.

he logged into massage/handjob sites online in 2019, 4 months after our son was born.

It does sound like there’s more going on than what you already know. Ask for a timeline, basically written statement, get it verified with a polygraph. How many times did he use an escort in the last 10 years? Once you have most of the story, you can better decide if you want to D or R. All the reasons of why he did what he did and what he did is not believable.

Did you take an appointment for STD testing?

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 10:12 PM, Sunday, December 19th]

I hate when the cheater gets caught, causes destruction and THEN does not like when the betrayed yells at them or says hurtful things.

Seriously what the hell are the cheaters thinking? That the betrayed is just going to be mad for 5 minutes?