SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you to everyone that took the time to reply.

Its not just the DDay anniversary that I'm dreading but its all the mile stone dates like first kiss, when she slept with him etc.

I some times feel that we are getting there but other times I just don't. Its too steps forward 3 steps back.

Did anyone have issues not believing answers to certain questions. Like -

She says she had no feelings for him
She didn't miss him
She didn't love him

She regrets all of it and wishes it never happened. She says that now but at when DDay arrived 10 months ago she said

She doesn't know but she might love him
she did miss him
and she did have feelings for him

Fast forward 10 months and she doesn't want him and feel nothing for him.

I just keep going around in circles asking the same questions. I don't know what I want her to say apart from the truth.

One things she stands by is that fact that at the time of the affair he made her happy and she missed him. But now 10 months later she says she is seeing everything for what it was and regrets everything and its the biggest mistake of her life.

But even though she says she never thinks about it he did make her happy at the time of the affair.

I find that hard to hear and not sure if others have found it just as hard

P122,

Did anyone have issues not believing answers to certain questions. Like -

She says she had no feelings for him
She didn't miss him
She didn't love him

It's hard to believe she had no feelings for him when, correct me if I'm wrong, you might never have seen the same level of intense love for yourself. That's one thing I've had an issue with for years with my W, her love for OM was so large that she never loved me completely ever again.

Did you get a timeline and polygraph, perhaps you need to write down about 100 questions in a notebook and have her answer them.

She says she will never ever do it again.

She has agreed to go to couples counselling and even IC.

She has said she has never ever done anything like this in the past 20 years and she kows she would never ever do it again.

Straight out the cheaters hand book right?

i'm confused. are you looking for ways to heal, to reconcile, and help you and your wife cope with the upcoming d-day anniversary?

or, are you looking for confirmation that your WW needs tied to a stake and burnt to a crisp?

(this is the reconciliation forum, right??!)

---------------

i've read a few of your previous threads and noted that you have been in IC-- how is that going? still involved with your therapist?

i sincerely recommend that you go back and re-read your prior/earlier threads. at one point, you clearly outline how your wayward wife had/has taken steps to help you heal. and that you believe(d) her. fast-forward, and months later, here you are floundering. it's like you've gone backwards in your healing, and have totally twisted yourself up into a confused pretzel, and don't know where or how to get yourself untangled.

moreover, do you consider the majority of the information/advice you've been given to be empathetic and encouraging? does the advice calm you? does the advice move you in the direction of healing and reconciliation that you desire?

(btw, these are rhetorical questions ... but important nonetheless)

i encourage you to reach in the direction of where you want to go in your marriage. i encourage you to take your wife up on her offer for marriage counseling. i encourage you to meet with a professional counselor, therapist, or religious professional that will help guide you in a healthy, kind, and loving way forward.

i believe in you, and your wife, and your marriage!

in kindness, sunny (former wayward wife in a recovered, happy, loving marriage)

[This message edited by sundance at 1:51 AM, Saturday, February 12th]

it's like you've gone backwards in your healing

Looks to me like he is riding the emotional roller-coaster

Reconciliation isn't linear. Neither is healing.

Hi p

Sorry for the pain you are still feeling. Would you say that it’s different than the pain last year?

Also, I see you moved. Did you move to another town? Does your son still see the APs son? If so, does that mean there is some contact w the AP to coordinate that? That could be painful.

Also, I urge you to continue IC. Is your therapist a trauma specialist? You need that support.

Has your wife started IC too? If so, how is that going as far as you know? If not, what is she waiting for?

After you have both done IC for a while, MC may be helpful if for no other reason but to schedule the times you can discuss your pain and rebuilding. It’s a weekly time that you can talk in a safe space. But only recommend it after you both have several months of IC under your belts.

As for the anniversary dates. I suggest you do this. Ask for a time to sit down and discuss them. Talk about how scared you are how triggering they will be. Tell her you’d like to come up with a plan to work thru them with her.

Remind her she said she would do anything to rebuild and repair what she has destroyed. This is part of that work.

Then together list out those days. Write them down. The 4, 5, 6 of them. And what they represent.

Then tell her, you need things from her to change the memories of these dates. Tell her you need her to come up with a plan for each of them. Come up with ideas for each and come up with things, perhaps firsts for each of you, that are greater than what she did with the AP.

Some things can be physical/sexual for sure. But not all of them have to be. It could be grand gestures like taking you away for the night or bringing you to the fanciest restaurant in town and paying for it.

Whatever. Tell her she needs to come up with the first draft of the list and review it with you. Make an appointment to discuss it in 4-5 days.

There should be some physical connections for some of them. And they should be things that show you are more important to her than the AP ever could be. Same for the non physical.

I have to tell you p, a truly remorseful WW would jump at such an opportunity to show her BS how much she loves and cares about him. For nearly 2 months she went to such lengths for her AP. If she wants you to stay, she needs to show you she’d go much further to make that happen.

If she won’t, then you really have to reconsider how you are approaching this. We can discuss what that means, but first give her the chance to build trust again by doing these things as steps to mending your heart.

What do you think? Can you ask to discuss it in the next day or two? What are your thoughts?

Take care.

Respectfully, I don’t think you have much to work with. I have read your previous posts and feel for you.

She loves/loved the AP. She still has fond memories of how happy he made her feel.

You discovered the affair, she did not voluntarily confess.

She intended to leave you and only changed her mind at the last minute due to your child’s distress (not yours).

She refused to let you look at her Snap Chat account.

She wants to "move on" and stop discussing her affair.

They only had sex "once" and never ever did anything else (really? Really?).

I’m sorry, but you would be better off separating and letting her figure out what she wants. If it is you, she needs to do the heavy lifting.

Sorry for the blunt response, but this far in to R she should be doing way more to help. And that is IF you can get over her deception.

Prayers to you.

[This message edited by NotSureAboutIt at 8:46 PM, Wednesday, February 23rd]