SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This0is0Fine,
Your assessment of my WH was totally on the mark.

Not a WS myself, but part of the internal rationalization or compartmentalization is ignoring the damage you are doing to the BS.

Somehow, his rejection towards me that hurts the most, was how he was behaving totally like a classic case of someone who had an all out full blown affair. Maybe it was indeed a full blown affair.
Acted distant, picked fights on little things, irritable, defensive and most of all , didn’t want to touch me at all for the whole 5.5 months , the duration of the affair.
This makes me realize that virtual sex can alter a cheater’s mind and their way of rational thinking just as much as someone that experiences a real person physical affair .

May I add , I wish so much his virtual sex game did not include feelings or connection but apparently it did. The emotional attachment was as damaging as the physical one that even after 7 months of dday#2, I still don’t feel the hard work he supposed to be doing for reconciliation.

Or maybe he is not much into me anymore.

While claiming that he is still NC and is out of the affair fog, he can be more transparent and more focused . He still needs to read reconciliation articles , do more research regarding the why s , reads books or not acting defensive whenever I ask questions, but he just wants me to let go and move on .
I don’t feel he considers our reconciliation a first priority or at least being up there. There are always other things more important for him.

Lostwings,

Any affair, PA only, EA only, combined, cyber/electronic, etc. is a full blown affair. That's the problem with comparison/minimization. I am not trying to suggest that they all hurt the same and require the same repair, but I am suggesting they are all deep betrayals that require massive recompense and rebuilding efforts on the part of the WS.

Someone pointed out to me that my fWW should have been crawling across broken glass for me to win me back. That she wasn't and I shouldn't accept the bare minimum (which I tried to do for about a year).

Only you can decide when you've had enough.

I think my biggest problem, was accepting small efforts because I didn't want to punish behavior that was in the right direction even if it was insufficient.

"Not good enough" were words it took me a long time to say. Too long really.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:58 PM, Monday, March 28th]

Having been cheated on myself, it took me quite a while to get over the pain, but then he went and did it again, so I didn't get to really start healing until after I divorced him.

Each person's situation is different, but I believe time helps and positive work at the relationship helps and reinforces good. Hope you can find a path that works for you both. Never easy. I found counseling to help me to work on the past 'baggage' of previous marriages.

In my book, it doesn't matter how long it went on, if it happened at all, EA or PA, it is still an affair, in my opinion.

This0is0Fine,

Someone pointed out to me that my fWW
should have been crawling across broken glass
for me to win me back. That she wasn't and I
shouldn't accept the bare minimum (which I
tried to do for about a year).
Only you can decide when you've had enough.

I have the same feeling for the bad choices he made during his affair. that is how I feel … not enough !!…. Not enough remorse , not enough transparency , not enough to make me feel safe although he is still NC and promised never to cheat again .
Do some people feel uncomfortable to show remorse ? He does everything a remorseful person should have done except for being more transparent about his feelings towards her during his affair( I could feel it by his action of dragging the full disclosure).

He deleted all his messages and I asked him to narrate the significant events, their discussions and the time line because it was hard for him to talk about it in person. It has been 8 months after Dday #2 now and 4 months after I asked him to narrate, so far he only finished 5 pages . He told me that it’s still work in progress (?).
It is not enough !!

CoderMom,

Each person's situation is different, but I
believe time helps and positive work at the
relationship helps and reinforces good. Hope
you can find a path that works for you both.

It has not been easy. Every betrayed one has their own private pains but I am not proud to say that even after 7 months passed , I am still far from healing. I still cry and feel the anger almost everyday and his dragging makes it harder to heal . There are times when I really think we need to have a temporary separation, but I have no courage . He makes little progress everyday and just like This0is0Fine said .. " it is not enough".

He professed his love everyday and promised to be faithful for the rest of his life , but I still do not trust him . He keeps on telling me that to him he feels as of the AP is dead … she does not exist anymore …
But still , I doubt his frankness . I was NOT in his mind when the affair started. He took my self respect and self confidence away with his affair.
I can’t move beyond his feelings during his affair .
How can people change allegiance so fast ? Yesterday I didn’t but today I do . Is there an on/off switch for Feelings ( limerence)? Did I ask too much from him?

Even when I try to think "at the moment" during the day, the triggers or mind movies are still popping up in the morning, lunch time and bed time . These are the hardest one to get rid off .
True, either it was EA, online, PA or all of the above … the pain is very private and "the sadness of betrayal feels like a death "( Cooley2here’s quote )

I noticed, I feel more at peace when I am away for several days and able to be just by myself without discussions and arguing, but for now , I still believe that we can safe this marriage … Only time will tell .
Thank you and I am hoping you found healing and peace as well .