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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Gottman Therapist for MC - Concerned about views on infidelity

Topic is Sleeping.
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 hurtbs (original poster member #10866) posted at 12:14 AM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

We just started MC. Our therapist follows the Gottman method. I'm a little concerned because (from a quick google search) it seems that Gottman's theories tend to place the blame of an affair on the relationship. As in, if the relationship is going well, people don't cheat kind of thing...

I'm still getting a feel for this therapist. He didn't specifically say that. I'm just curious if others have worked with a therapist that uses Gottman method and what your experiences were.

Edit: Quick Edit, the therapist did *not* say that the relationship was to blame for the affair or suggest that I did something. He mentioned the Gottman method was something he leveraged. He also made a point to call out WS's depression and asked him what he was doing to make sure this doesn't happen again.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 12:27 AM, Friday, September 30th]

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15711   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8757585
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:46 AM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

Gottman uses atone, attune, attach to deal with the A. The WS must take full responsibility for the A. However, some rugsweeping is encouraged like not asking for details about sex acts. Since my wife had an EA this didn't directly impact us. When I said it was very compatible with the general views on this site, that was the one area that really stuck out.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:47 AM, Friday, September 30th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2173   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8757618
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 1:58 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

As I understand Gottman's "Atone" phase, he favors complete transparency and disclosure from the WS as a step toward establishing a solid foundation to build upon going forward.

In my case, this kind of honesty has been missing, and so I steered our counseling toward a therapist with Gottman training (only to find out that her Esther Perel training is much more substantial). Time will tell how all this goes.

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 343   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8757687
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 2:44 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

No harm trying with them. You can always fire them if therapy goes in a direction that is not working for you.

It sounds like he leverages his material, but does not use all of the Gottman tools? Goes elsewhere when Gottman loses efficacy.

To me that seems he is at least somewhat current and keeps up to date with new thinking. Not a terrible approach to draw from multiple sources.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5067   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8757691
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

I'm sure that I've posted this before in the last few days. We had 2 Gottman trained MC's. They were both brilliant. They did encourage us not to talk details before our first meeting. We did anyway. They said - most everyone does.

We had one meeting together first. And, then a couple one on one before resuming sessions with both of us. There were moments early on when if things didn't feel right for me.....I walked out of the room and took a break. But 97% of what we worked in the sessions was helpful. We went home with "homework". And, did the homework too.

Even relationships that are going well are susceptible to affairs. The Gottman methods taught us skills to recovery and move toward each other. Will it work long term? Are there really any guarantees? Nope. But, it was a game changer for us.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 300   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8757806
Topic is Sleeping.
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