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Newest Member: KstinTX

Reconciliation :
Is it worth it?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Justkeepgoing26 (original poster member #75340) posted at 7:22 AM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

We are 3 years from d day this week (prostitutes) and I’m struggling. Two nights ago I tried talking to him about it. He fell asleep mid conversation. I spoke to him again last night. His response was I don’t get it things have been going well. I explained how he isn’t doing enough, it’s going well for him because nothing has really changed, it’s swept under the carpet, my feelings don’t seem priority. I do all the cooking (I can’t remember the last time he cooked), he does his share of the washing and with the children) He doesn’t come to bed at the same time, he is on his phone a lot of the time, he doesn’t even acknowledge I’m in the room. If I talk to him, he doesn’t even look up. I said I’m not sure I want to be married anymore. This really upset him and he kept saying he loves me over and over. He said I’m sorry I’m rubbish.

It’s me trying to prop up the marriage, I’m tired of it. He said he thought he had been doing enough. Im not sure what reconciliation should even look like now

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Uk
id 8772459
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:42 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

Your H is either stupid or selfish. Or both.

He’s on his phone and doesn’t look up when you speak and he thinks that is ok?

He’s on his phone ignoring you AFTER CHEATING and he thinks that is ok?

He’s not interacting (talking) with you (bare minimum) and he thinks that is ok?

And he’s surprised you want a D. duh

Here’s the test. Tell him that on XX night you want a date night. You will get a babysitter but he should make plans for the date.

If he does something there is hope. But if he does nothing he’s either selfish or lazy or whatever, but clearly not making you or your marriage a priority.

PS the date does not have to be fancy or expensive. It just had to be something planned by him for the two of you. It could be a stroll around a park or free outdoor concert - it’s not the money, it’s the effort.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:44 PM, Saturday, January 7th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8772469
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 2:56 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

You know that reconciliation shouldn't look like rugsweeping or you propping up the marriage or him falling asleep when you are communicating something important and heart-felt.

Three years out is a good time to take stock of your progress toward reconciliation and of your marriage in general.

Do you feel safe emotionally?
Do you feel supported?
Do the two of you communicate deeply and regularly? (Is their emotional intimacy?)
Would you feel better alone than together?

You seem to be assessing the situation clearly.

You could ask for separation and see what that feels like. Of course there is no guaranatee that he will agree, and, if he does, there is no guarantee you will ever come back together.

However, space can be clarifying for both of you.

If he suddenly scrambles to do some work or be supportive, don't trust that as a permanent change until the changes become engrained.

In my own relationship, I've said that the changes I would need to see in order to stay need to become "the new normal." While there has definitely been work and progress on my husband’s part, we are not at the level of engrained/permanent changes yet.

I support you as you continue to evaluating your situation and make choices about how to proceed.

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 484   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8772471
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 Justkeepgoing26 (original poster member #75340) posted at 4:17 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

Thank you both for replying!

1st wife, I am starting to believe he is both! I am going to suggest the date and see what he comes up with. He has planned dates in the past. He suggested cinema/watch a film a while ago but this doesn’t sit right with me as it’s suppose to be quality time together to talk/reconnect.

Breaking bad, that’s most definitely how i don’t see reconciliation. Talking and connecting emotionally happened for a while, around the first year I would say. Seperation will happen if things don’t improve. I have been waiting to see if things improve but without me dictating or making suggestions as I’m not his mother, it’s his wrong doing and he should be putting it right.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Uk
id 8772472
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:02 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

I do all the cooking (I can’t remember the last time he cooked), he does his share of the washing and with the children) He doesn’t come to bed at the same time, he is on his phone a lot of the time, he doesn’t even acknowledge I’m in the room.

Cooking, laundry,and being a parent to his children don't equal the work he should be doing to become a safe partner. Neither is a date night.

On top of this, he prefers the company of his phone,and prefers to rugsweep.

This isn't reconciliation. It's rugsweeping and limbo.

No. It's not worth it. It's been 3 years. He should have been proactive in fixing himself, and moved mountains to reconcile.

You've given him enough time.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8772476
Topic is Sleeping.
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