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My dearest friend who was there for me when shit hit the fan 4 years ago has been going through a problematic patch with her husband.
they have 4 kids together and she has been a stay at home mom. her husband provides for the family, but she inherited a sum large enough that really she doesn't need him financially.
she has often mentioned that she understand my husband why he had an affair and his feeling of emptiness and missing out on this crazy passion she doesn't feel with her husband.
recently she met a guy on an all girls vacation she went on and was completely infatuated with him. he made her feel alive, and passionate and all those things she is missing with her husband.(this whole thing has only been going on for about a week)
she now is considering leaving her husband . not necessarily for the guy, but for the option of having mind blowing sex.
seeing how devastated I was, I hope she cautioned not to cross lines, although clearly the emotional lines have been long crossed.
She has been only confiding in me and also spoke to my husband, because he was were she is.
Ive expressed everything I can, hearing her side too. but somehow this insane rush of adrenaline and endorphins is completely clouding her.
she is usually an extremely intelligent collected adult.
what are the main things you would tell a person in this cloudy situation?

  Moving to General

What did your husband say to her?

I would be telling her if she wants to end the relationship then that is something she is able to do. No one should stay to make others happy however I would also point out that the rush of excitement is the initial chemical dump when you meet someone and it doesn't last forever no matter how great the other person is. I would be asking if she has fallen out of love with her husband or if the excitement has gone. If she loves her husband then marriage counselling and sex therapy may help to restore the excitement. If she feels the relationship is over then I would encourage her to end it before pursuing someone else

If your friend already knows the sex with OM is mind-blowing then she doesn’t want to cheat – she’s already cheating – or at best already cheated. If she’s talking openly about it with you and your husband…

IMHO the only correct way forward is for all stakeholders (HUSBAND) are aware and can take part in the decision for the future.

Edited to add:

This is so disrespectful on so many levels for the husband.
Not only the cheating, but also the quantification of him as a paycheck. As if the financial dependence is the only reason she’s still there.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:26 PM, Sunday, March 19th]

If she’s dissatisfied with her marriage and wants something different, she needs to be bluntly honest about that with her husband and either try to fix the marriage or get a divorce. Or hell, have an open marriage if that’s something she and her husband are on board with. Choosing to cheat instead is a cheap, profoundly disrespectful, completely unfair and cruel thing to do to her husband. He deserves to make informed choices about his life and marriage.

I agree that there’s a good chance she has already cheated if she’s talking like this.

Please tell her to talk to her BH. She's already cheated in her heart if she's opening up her mind to these things. The fact that she's talking about "passionate" "infatuation" means she's already engaged in inappropriate affair behavior with this guy. You know how you would/did feel when your WH revealed his A. Imagine being your friend's husband and finding out his wife has already engaged in inappropriate emotional intimacy with another man while on vacation?

Also, where were her friends in all this? Why didn't her friends shut her down and call her out?? Sounds like she needs better friends.

I had a friend consult with me about her A and expected me to keep it secret. Part of my work as a WW was to stop keeping secrets that were harmful to others. (I'm not talking about surprise birthday parties here...) I implored her to tell her BH. She refused. I told my H and her BH's best friend. He (BF) gave her a month to tell or he would. She did, to her credit. I lost quite a few friendships over it. It hurt a ton, but... now I look back on that as a big turning point in my recovery- coming to the place where I could be honest about my transgressions, understanding of others, and yet not tolerating hiding the bull crap.

Your WH hopefully is there too and encouraging her to divulge her struggles. Someone needs to hold her accountable- "You need to tell BH. I can't cover for you on this. I understand you'll need time to figure out how best to disclose it. So, I'll give you X amount of time (week? month? not much more)." And follow through.

You'll likely wreck your friendship, but it's the right thing to do.

By the way, the BH in my situation's best friend was my best friend's husband. My best friend knew about the other gal's A, but "honored" her promise not to tell. I lost that friendship over this disagreement. We're kinda making friends again, but... I regret the loss of her friendship and love and miss her... but I needed the experience of gaining back my integrity more.

The main thing I'd tell someone in this situation is #1, tell your spouse how you feel. Isn't that what we as BS's would have wanted from our WH's - for them to tell us they were feeling some kind of way, unhappy, whatever - and give us the opportunity to do something (or nothing) about it? BEFORE dragging us through the wringer when they had their A? I wish my H would have said - I'm not happy, I'm feeling unsatisfied, I'm not feeling passion from you, disconnected - WHATEVER it was, I wish he would have told me instead of going behind my back and cheated. Although - just based on what you've said already, IMO I think your friend has already cheated. Which totally sucks for her H. As for #2, I would say I DON'T want to be your keeper of secrets. Get help or get a divorce - don't drag someone through the pain of an affair.

Was she just being totally clueless coming to YOU, who was just devastated by adultery, and prattle on like a jackass about her adulterous crush, totally oblivious of the triggering effect it might have on you or, was she sincerely confiding in you for guidance and perspective?

This is so disrespectful on so many levels for the husband.

Not only the cheating, but also the quantification of him as a paycheck. As if the financial dependence is the only reason she’s still there.

THIS ^^, and seemingly disrespectful and insensitive to you, if I’m interpreting this correctly.

she has often mentioned that she understand my husband why he had an affair and his feeling of emptiness and missing out on this crazy passion she doesn't feel with her husband.

This is interesting. What does she mean by, “she understands why your husband cheated”? Do you and your husband fully understand why he cheated? Has he worked that out with a therapist?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:07 AM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

She used him for money and is blaming him? Typical ws behavior.

She sounds very much like my WS when she pursued her A. She was "discouraged" with the SAHM life, everything was boring/routine. She was overwhelmed.

And the A offered her a fantasy world escape. All the way to her becoming intent (at the behest of her AP) on walking out on all of us because she just "wanted to escape".

If it were one of my buddies who knew what I went through, I'd tell him to wake TF up, realize that he was being a selfish SOB, and that the short-term escape would only create major long-term issues with the kids.

But, you know your relationship with your friend better than any of us. You know what you can and can't say without blowing up your relationship.

You know what you can and can't say without blowing up your relationship.

she has often mentioned that she understand my husband why he had an affair and his feeling of emptiness and missing out on this crazy passion she doesn't feel with her husband.

I'm not sure that remaining friends is going to be healthy for OP anyway. She's going to have a ring side seat to someone determined to follow in her WS footsteps. That's going to scar and set back her own R.

I'm not sure that remaining friends is going to be healthy for OP anyway.

100% agree, grubs. The only way to "salvage" a relationship is that if it's strong enough for the "friend" to take the "get your head out of your backside" talk to heart and be thankful that she was called on it.

Toughlove will know if that's a possibility.

Otherwise, just like my wife's "friends" who supported her A, this one needs to be cut loose.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 2:11 AM, Friday, March 24th]