SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m still not over his affair that happened for only 6 weeks in 2014. Guys that’s nearly 10 years. We are still together and he is more or less (if he stays away from alcohol) the perfect husband. But I am reminded every day about the trauma of discovering he was cheating on me with a family friend. My life has never been the same since that day. I am stuck.
I love him, I love our home, I love what we have built together and our little family. But I am dead inside. I’m hyper vigilant if he is away on business and I constantly compare myself to other women and feel I never measure up. I honestly think I’ve ptsd. I did some IC but nothing has helped. I’ve recently started HRT in the hope that my mental state improves a bit from that.
I am not suicidal but I do think about death and how that will eventually bring peace to me, to no longer live in this cycle of trauma.
Sorry for all you that are starting out in your journey. If it was easy to leave, my advice would be go! But I know it’s not that simple if you love them or want to keep your family together

I honestly think I’ve ptsd.

I would guess you do.

An out from left field suggestion, google on PTSD and psychedelics. They are a known treatment for military PTSD survivors and for depression. When taken in a controlled environment guided by facilitators, they work. Consider pursuing that treatment path.

Really, the fix needs to happen inside of you, changing your relationship with the memories, otherwise you will continue to suffer (or get a divorce).

Whatever you do, don’t settle!

I am so sorry.

I know you have stated that you tried IC, was it with someone who specializes in trauma? That made all the difference for me.

I know you have stated that you tried IC, was it with someone who specializes in trauma? That made all the difference for me.

I second this.

An out from left field suggestion, google on PTSD and psychedelics.

I have a friend who's doing this and swears by it.

I felt stuck for so long after the A. I can say from the other side of D I no longer think about the A and it no longer plagues me. I don't think everyone can get over this.

Thanks for your responses.

I’m off to Google PTSD and psychedelics!!

Also the IC i had was pretty broad. I live in the sticks here and we are a bit behind with that. I possibly need to go online for therapy to get the treatment I need. I’ve lots of FOO issues that have never been dealt with so my self esteem was already low before the affair but now it’s barely existent, like me.

Thanks again

Sorry that you are in pain.

You've been given good advice.

I hope you find the recommendations helpful.

Sending hugs and strength.

Boy I get it! 5 years for me! I just can’t get past a 73 year old man messing with 20 year old women. I am so disappointed and disgusted with him. We are together but my mind keeps flashing to the 60 pictures he had of Vietnamese women. Some with his arm around them! It’s like he gave himself a hall pass. That wasn’t him. I believe if he hadn’t been with a couple of old pigs that told him it was ok my life would not have changed so drastically. He owns his choices but he is a bit easily lead too. I too had counseling but didn’t really help. I got the use I messages. Now every college educated person knows about that! I used them for 36 years and look what it got me— a self centered over entitled baby for a husband! I wish there really was such a thing as a fairy godmother and she would wave a magic wand to just make the pain stop!

ktez

Sounds like you recognize the need for IC counseling, especially with someone who can help with trauma and FOO issues. But I also swear by EMDR. It's amazing when it works, and it works pretty quickly. I had tried brainspotting previously and it made no difference, but the EMDR really helped me get past things that were triggers or that I ruminated on. (And I too have PTSD), Also, it works quickly.

Good luck

(if he stays away from alcohol)

To me THAT is the key factor.
I strongly suggest…
Frankly if I could I wouldn’t suggest but ORDER YOU
To look into Al Anon and reach out to them. Alcoholism doesn’t only affect the alcoholic, but heavily impacts the whole family. I have a feeling that your pain might be displaced, that the infidelity is maybe the straw that tipped the scale, but the real weight is the impact of his drinking and your fear of his next binge.

Definitely go online--you will have access to any therapist in your state.

Makes it much easier to find someone who specializes in betrayal trauma.

Please look into EDMR. I too, am 9 years out. I did the therapy a few months after dday and it has truly been a blessing for me. At the time my insurance covered it with a copay. Sending you positive energy. This stuff is hard.

(if he stays away from alcohol)

Bigger beat me to it again on the subject of alcohol. I would take his post under serious consideration.

If alcoholism is a factor or a symptom of fundamental issues that contributed to the affair, and he hasn’t reconciled with alcoholism or the issues contributing to it-and the cheating, then you two have not thoroughly reconciled, and your gut realizes this, all too well, leaving you intuitively unsettled, hyper-vigilant and stalled-out on trust building. How can you progressively build trust when fundamental problems lay dormant, unresolved, waiting to strike again when stressors and opportunity, again, come into alignment?

There are many degrees of alcoholism and all can grind on a relationship either subtly, insidiously or obviously. Research the many manifestations of alcoholism that go beyond the cliched bum on a park bench or “Leaving Las Vegas” characterization.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:02 PM, Sunday, April 2nd]

I did the psychedelics with a therapist for my PTSD and it has been life changing.
Highly recommend.

But agree— you need to address the core fear that is keeping in you in hyper vigilance. It’s miserable emotionally and on your body physically.
Life is short- find the therapy you need and don’t stop looking for the right answer for you.