SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

embarrassed to even ask this question…. Would like some feedback from male perspective.
My WH (60. Years old) doesn’t seem very interested in sex with me. He initially used the common line "we weren’t having sex" as one of the excuses for his affair. He experimented with ED drugs with AP and had a LOT of sex with her.
Anyway, he has since developed ED for real. He says his lack of interest in sex is due to him being tired and stressed. This is not true. Then he mentioned something about being embarrassed about ED.
Could this be the reason he doesn’t want to have sex? Do men correlate sex with intercourse? Meaning, do men feel like intercourse is a requirement? Or if we just kissed and had OS, he somehow failed as a man?
Or could it be that he’s just not attracted to me or desire me?

Cedarwoods, I think it is difficult for men to answer this. They don’t know your ws.
Is he still in his affair? How long did it last? Lots of info missing.

The AP broke up with WH a year ago. There has been no contact since. Affair went on for about 14 months.

C,

If he took medications with his xAP to correct his ED, maybe he can now take his medication as well to have sex with you ..

Gently , maybe his interest in sex , how absurd it is, was more geared towards the xAP because she was a new leaf , more horny and aggressive than you , or he was excited with a new relationship . It felt like high school dating , while it is more of a routine life with you … I wouldn’t say he is bored , but the mundaneness of daily life does not help with his desire for sex ..

I have the same problem too .

I don’t know how to make a spouse desire me more after A.

My WS express desire , but my loss of self confidence always think that he only desire me as a substitute for his ex AP.

It is a double edge .

C,

If he took medications with his xAP to correct his ED, maybe he can now take his medication as well to have sex with you ..

Gently , maybe his interest in sex , how absurd it is, was more geared towards the xAP because she was a new leaf , more horny and aggressive than you , or he was excited with a new relationship . It felt like high school dating , while it is more of a routine life with you … I wouldn’t say he is bored , but the mundaneness of daily life does not help with his desire for sex ..

I have the same problem too .

I don’t know how to make a spouse desire me more after A.

My WS expresses desire , but my loss of self confidence always think that he only desires me as a substitute for his ex AP.

It is a double edge .

C,

Sorry , edited for double post .

[This message edited by Lostwings at 7:23 PM, Saturday, June 3rd]

Cedarwoods,

You asked for a man’s opinion. I will give you my opinion even though in my 80s I have never experienced ED. So, I can’t help you with that part of your questions.

From what I have learned is that having an affair pushes the dopamine hormones in the brain to high levels. I am not talking about a one-night stand or a fling of a couple or three days. But a long-term affair. You said your husband’s affair was 14 months. That means that a lot of emotions and close feelings were involved.

Because affairs are so exciting because of being so secretive, taboo, tasting the forbidden fruit, etc. the dopamine pleasures in the brain are pushed to highs equal to taking cocaine or other drugs. It is sort of like the excitement of a teenager sneaking out of the house when they are supposed to be grounded.

The problem with dopamine levels being so high is that they crash to low levels. Then to get them back up again they need to be pushed higher than the previous amount. Sort of like a drug addict who maybe begins smoking pot. After a while he no longer gets the same high from smoking pot, so he goes on to stronger drugs like Vicodin. After he is on that drug for a while it is no longer as effective as before, so he goes on to Oxycontin or even Heroin.

So, in his affair, to keep getting the same excitement and highs as before he may begin taking even greater risks, such as having sex in a public bathroom, or even in his affair partner’s marital bed.

Now then, his affair is over. For 14 months his dopamine hormone was pushed to excessively high levels and then came crashing way down. He kept going back to his affair partner to get that excitement he was becoming used to having.

Let’s face it. In an affair after some time the newness wears off and the sex itself is probably no better or worse than with you, his wife. It is the forbidden nature that is the payoff for affairs.

From what I have read it takes many months or years for the brain to get the dopamine hormone levels back to baseline where someone once again gets pleasure from things that they used to get. Things such as watching one’s children run around and play… such as watching a beautiful sunset. Something such as once again find pleasure and excitement with having sex with their spouse.

I could be wrong in all that I said above, but that is what I have read and understand what happens in the brain.

As far as the physical aspects of the ED situation, I can’t help you there.

I hope this helps you.

At 78, I am familiar with ED, and because of unfortunate timing, I went through a period of a couple of months without meds. I did not feel a lot of desire. After getting a new 'script, my desire came back.

If you're not ready to give up M sex, my reco is to tell your H to see his doc and get his desire back. You're the prize; he can exert himself to win you back.

Cedarwoods- I truly appreciate this question. Thank you so much for posting. I hope more men will answer.

To piggyback on Sisoon's post. When he sees his doctor he should specify that the doctor should check his testosterone levels. Stress and other unhealthy emotions have an effect on one's testosterone. Low testosterone definitely affects one's libido.

edited to add:

Do men correlate sex with intercourse?

For me personally the answer is Yes and No. Men are biologically wired to "scatter their seed" so to speak. Without adding TMI my wife and I enjoy sex without intercourse, but I seem to enjoy it more with full intercourse. I think if I say more on the subject I might get banned.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 8:26 PM, Sunday, June 4th]

Hi Cedarwoods

"Then he mentioned something about being embarrassed about ED.
Could this be the reason he doesn’t want to have sex? Do men correlate sex with intercourse? Meaning, do men feel like intercourse is a requirement? Or if we just kissed and had OS, he somehow failed as a man?"

Yes and Yes

Having ED is very embarrassing, a man is supposed to be virile and want sex all the time, and when your body lets you down in other ways, ie if you need a knee replacement for example, that is somehow seen as acceptable, but ED can still be a taboo subject and a lot of men would have difficulty discussing it with anyone, even their partner.

It is quite likely that he feels a failure as a man if he cannot maintain an erection and have sex with you as you probably both want. Again it goes back to my sentence above.

I suffered from ED for a short-ish period of time after discovering my wife’s affair. I learned details of her affair and the humiliation from this resulted in me being unable to perform in this way. This is turn filled me with even more shame and inadequacy. Even though my wife was doing all she could to encourage me the mind movies were overpowering. The one bright side was I knew that it was all in my mind as my libido remained very strong and I had no issues ‘performing’ when by myself. Although that didn’t help much in the moment.

At that time, I absolutely dreaded being intimate with my wife knowing that I would be unable to perform. More than dreaded, I absolutely loathed it. During that time period I definitely did not want to be intimate with her even if she didnt expect me to have intercourse. I would have still found it too humiliating and was trying to avoid the situation entirely.

Thank you so much for your replies. This is a private matter so I greatly appreciate your opening up to a stranger and sharing your experiences. It helps me to you understand my WH’s possible mindset.
I’ve been trying to get us to be more intimate since we started to R because I felt it was a way for us to connect and bring us closer. I also felt his wanting to have sex with me meant he’s attracted to me and still desires me. Now I see my initiatives could have caused him anxiety.
How to proceed? So difficult…

I am not sure if this correlates because in this case I feel like this happened to me.

The explanation above about dopamine is a good one and I agree with it.

I had sexual dysfunction after my affair. It’s not about who I wanted but because whatever crisis I was in during the onset of the affair only grew. The shame of being a bad person on top of that.

I don’t mean that to sound like poor me, what I inflicted was way worse than what I was going through. But until I could reach higher ground mentally i went through many of the motions for a long while. It’s easier for a woman to do that with dysfunction than a man obviously.

My desire wouldn’t have been there for anyone, I was so numb and depressed and needed time to heal. Not that I deserved it or should have put my bs through more issues. We had a lot of hb after my affair, but if I were a man the issue would have been more apparent.

There are no assurances that’s what the problem here is and I am sure it feels terrible. But it has a good possibility of having nothing to do with you or the ap but that he simply has a low libido because of brain chemistry. The downside of that is sex offers connection and good feelings and could actually be helpful in returning to a healthy balance mentally for both of you.