SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This all started about 3 years ago.
Red Flag #1
We were away on vacation at beach and I was looking through wifes phone at pics from the beach that day. Started seeing a good number of nude pics of her as well. Didn't really know what the "hidden" feature was at the time but once I found out about it I looked at her hidden pics and she had a bunch more, nude but not explicit and of only her. When I asked her about them she said she had exercising very hard and was really proud of her body post kids. She has always worked out and did look as good as she did pre kids and wanted the pics for herself. She only shared a few of the 30 or so pics with me over the course of about a year.

Red Flag #2
I started snooping at the time and saw that she had snapchat and only 3-4 contacts one being a bar tender at a local bar we eat at a few times a month, the others just as random, moms from school that she didn't like. When I dug in about them she said people just added her and that it was nothing and didn't think anything of it.. I did get a download of all snap data amounts and its was basically unused. So could be true

Red Flag #3
During covid when everything was shutting down early she and a girlfriend went out to a bar/restaurant and got home around 2:15 am. I was out of town and saw the alarm notification. Concern is I called the place the next day and they closed at midnight. She said that her and girlfriend just sat and talked for an hour, then talked for another 30 minutes when she was dropping her at home. My wife can talk easily for 2-3 hours with certain friends. Again, slightly concerning but not our of the realm of being true.

Red Flag #4
About a year ago I saw a text pop up on her phone, no name just a number, I attempted to memorize the number and wrote it down. A few months later, I was communicating with a male work contact and realized the number was very similar to the number I attempted to remember and he lived in the area of the bar my wife was at the night she got home very late. I could have been wrong once I wrote the number down or it could have been this guy or I could have just been off with my memory, but I def am concerned.

Red Flag #5
My wife was out with friends of ours at a bar/nightclub at the beach. I was going up the next day. My buddy sent me a video of my wife and his dancing and talking to a couple much younger men that were family friends of theirs. In the video I can see my wife scroll through phone and show the guy a pic of her boobs. They all laughed and then kind of went back to themselves. I was quite pissed about this and the next day when I arrived the story was that the guys were showing them texts that they get from girls their age and the girls are all sending nude texts like its nothing so my wife said "mine are better" and then showed the pic of hers. It was all in a group and laughing, but still....... When we were out with the couple the next night the women were talking about how crazy it is that these guys have all of the females sending them nude pics like its nothing, so the story checks out. But still. Not something I expected from my wife.

Our marriage was in a rough spot for a while so we were having what I would call duty sex 3-4 times a month for a couple years that seemed to align with the red flags.

We spoke at length about all of this and she swears she has never been unfaithful, swore on kids, parents all of that. Let me look through her phone a couple times for things which I found nothing. Then changed her passwords after a month or so. I don't think she had any google phone lines or any of that, but who knows. Anyway, I have no hard proof of infidelity but just feel like it happened. Need guidance.

She knows that if I found out she cheated the marriage would be over and I feel that if she is lying about it, it is because of our kids.

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[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 11:02 AM, Friday, June 9th]

The nudes would be concerning to me. She can take a picture of her hard work without getting naked and it's doubtful she needs 30 or more of them. That sounds like someone trying for the best angle/lighting to share the pics. I'd call this a pink flag.

Her showing the pics to other men - that's a hard no from me. For you it should at least show you where her boundaries are which is to say way far off from where they should be for a married woman. Maybe she just likes the attention but that she likes it that much that she'd expose herself like that? That is concerning.

Also don't like changing the password on the phone. What was the point of that? I've had the same password for years. Never occurs to me to change it.

Despite all of that, none of it is smoking gun evidence she cheated or is cheating. You've already discussed your concerns with her but have you made it clear that certain boundaries that have been crossed are not acceptable to you? How she intended it or feels about is only half the story, the other half is you and how you feel about it. She should be able to empathize with you and correct course if she values her marriage.

I hate when folks jump to conclusions and make it worse for a potential BS but as a BS myself, some of these things would be ringing my alarm bell. If it were me, I'd be on high alert and probably start digging deeper.

At a minimum I would not accept the phone pw change. You've already told her that you are feeling vulnerable - to lock you out of her phone is insensitive at best. Total transparency is required.

I have never looked into polygraph. Are they fully accurate or is it more of an interpretation by the tester?

Not all of the pics were fully nude and the ones that were were only breasts. But still very concerning.

Showing the pic to the younger men is a flat out hard no from me as well, she crossed a line and was exceptionally embarrassed once she realized what she had done. She has always been hyper competitive, especially while drinking. If we were with a group of friends and pushups, wall sits, planking or anything were brought up she was game on with it. So the saying mine are better and showing the pic is not totally out of line from the competition side but way out of line for a married woman.

The problem is there is no smoking gun, just a number of things that could add up to a smoking gun.

I did do the GPS tracker for a month or so and nothing too out of the ordinary, more shopping than I would like, it stopped working and I didn't replace it. I have not done a voice recorder but maybe will.

I have always been very clear that cheating is not recoverable for me and I feel that if she did and is lying it is because she doesn't want to disrupt our family and kids, not because she doesn't want to lose me. I did offer to her that if she would admit to cheating that I would agree to stay together until the youngest kid was off to college and we would maintain status quo until then once we did separate I would not tell kids why, but that I wanted the truth, no matter what it was. She continued to swear that she never cheated, I said ok, but if I ever have real proof then everything will end abruptly, so telling the truth now was as good as it would get. She knows I kill myself to keep my word so I think she knows I would have honored what I said had she admitted to it. She also knows that I will end it abruptly if I every have hard proof. So I feel like she would have taken that offer. I also never thought I would see a video with my wife showing a pic of her boobs to someone either so...........

Welcome to SI.

Most of us here have had our waywards swear on their children, their parents, their job, the marriage and anything else they could think of.

I agree that there are red flags....first and foremost, what is your wife, a married woman, doing going to bars so often it seems? How old is she?

Do you have access to her phone records/message logs? I'd start there first.

I'd also continue with the GPS tracker and put a VAR in your home where she makes most of her phone calls.

I'd be vigilant especially since she locked you out of her phone.

She may or may not be cheating, but there's enough concern to find out the truth.

Neither of us are in bars as much as it would seem reading my posts. Old enough for high school and older kids. Nothing odd in phone logs or message logs as far back as I am able to check. By the time I put it together then the one text number I was concerned with could have been something the text log was no longer available. I did call the number from her phone on a Saturday night once to see if he answered in a way that would show familiarity and he answered as if he didn’t know the number, he is not married so he would not care about saving names.

VAR may not be very productive in home right now as we have a full house and private convos would be tough, Car may make sense though.

If she is not cheating on you then all this snooping and tracking might backfire on you. You will look like jealous, and controlling husband. It will do more damage to your marriage than good. On one other hand, her few actions are highly suspicious and inappropriate.

It seems you have been snooping on her for many years. If she knows you are snooping then she might have learnt how to cover her tracks if she is cheating on you, like deleting texts everyday, deleting call logs or using a burner phone etc etc. My advise is to sit with her and have a mature talk. Tell her how her actions over the years have dented your marriage and reduced your trust on her. Also, you need to ask yourself whether you are just being paranoid because aside from red flags 1 and 5 and changing her password, rest may or may not be red flags. May be you are interpreting things in a wrong way. She definitely needs to work on her boundaries. But, still I dont see any damning evidence or hint of her cheating. So, tread carefully.

Regarding poly, I have to say I have seen many BS going for poly and so far I have not seen anyone complaining about it. It has benefited many BS. If you really believe she might be cheating then instead of snooping around you can go for poly. You have already snooped on her for few years and haven't found anything damning.

The only red flags I see are sharing the pics and the bar tender in her contacts. I know you clarified this but it seems like her bad behavior is centered around bars, bar tenders and drinking. It should not be too difficult to stay away from all of them. Are you possibly over thinking this?

I believe it’s way too premature to drag your wife into a polygraph interrogation, unless you want to seriously wreck your marriage.

Yes, you have some red flags, but I would advise discretion and a measured response involving:

-A discussion regarding proper boundaries that includes: no nude selfies to be seen by others outside the marriage; no coming home from bars at 2AM; no covert communications with other men (Snapchat).

-Continue discreet, light-but effective, non-invasive surveillance. A level of surveillance that, if caught, won’t leave you looking like a total whack-job under the current circumstances.

Presently, IMHO, the circumstances do not warrant polygraphs or bugging her car. If she finds a VAR in her car, and she’s not cheating, your marriage will be irreparably harmed.

Trust your instincts, but do not succumb to them obsessively. Be a good investigator and maintain your objectivity.

The VAR and polygraph can be powerful tools that should be wielded carefully. Do a risk vs gain assessment. There is a tipping point where a preponderance of evidence justifies more aggressive methods, but I don’t think you’re quite there yet.

-Do a pulse check on the marriage. I’m talking about a seriously intimate, loving, disarming, honest discussion of where your heads are currently at in the marriage.

And keep in mind, you’re seeking “is she cheating” advice from a den of shell-shocked betrayed. When a car backfires around here, we’re all hitting the decks and drawing down.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:22 AM, Friday, June 9th]

She should take a poly

Then changed her passwords after a month or so.

Why the change in passwords? Why don’t you both know each other’s passwords?

Is she secretive with her phone and other devices?

I did not start snooping until I was looking through her phone photos, which she handed me, and saw nude selfies. Then I started snooping. From beginning to today it has been about 3 years. She was very open with everything for a month or so, I kept pushing and going through her stuff and then she changed pass words and then I changed my passwords as well. Our kids know the password to her computer and they know the password to mine, so we aren't really that "secure" for lack of a better word.

Secretive with phone, not really, she leaves it laying around, if we are out together she will have it face up on the table or in car. Don't share passwords although most things are touch or Face ID now.

Looking at everything on paper I feel that she probably has not been unfaithful. My gut feeling is that she has. If she did, I assume it is over, as we pretty much know where each other are all the time and there have not been any concerning issues for a bit. But my gut feeling is my gut feeling.

There is something so wrong about this. Women who are dedicated to their husbands, and their marriages, do not take nude selfies of themselves, they do not show their breasts to people in bars, they do not go to bars by themselves, or with another woman and stay out all night. All of this is you trying to make excuses for some very serious bad behavior on the part of your wife. She might not be cheating, but she’s trawling. What she’s looking for I don’t know. She just might really like all the attention but I can tell you right now if she’s hanging onto attention because she’s got a good looking body at some point that body is gonna stop looking good. She’s going to hit old age like all of us will and what is she going to do for attention then?
I think you need to ask her point-blank if she has ever sent any of those photos to anybody other than you and if she has she needs to understand that the nude photo is now on the Internet for anybody to look at. If that’s what she likes then you’ve got another serious problem, but she might be horrified to know that anybody can now find it.
I think you’re dealing with a very immature woman. She reminds me of a 14 year old, possibly even someone as young as 11 or 12, but she certainly does not act like a mature woman.

Showing the pic of her boobs is no different than her flashing them.

I'd have divorced for that alone as I consider that cheating.

Put the VAR under her driver's seat with some sticky velcro. You'll have your evidence in no time.

She could be either cheating or doing an emotional affair to boost her ego. If you are really that concern then you can always download logs on Facebook and Instagram of people shes contacted, even if they are deleted messages. As long as the person isn't blocked they will show up in the logs. You can also look at her blocked people logs on FB and Insta and see if anyone is suspicious to you.

Also, if she has an iPhone you can un-delete texts that she has deleted recently using the edit button on the top left.

But again, just be sure you want to go down this road, because once you begin snooping its hard to stop. I am still 3 weeks post DDay, and I didn't start snooping until last week. Now I look at her notifications a lot when my wife leaves her phone out.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:11 PM, Friday, June 9th]

I went and am going through something similar. I left it too late to confront the first time when my suspicions afraid (more gut feel). So I could not gather any evidence as teh event was in the past and had no leverage. Then a few years later I caught her in the start of an EA and learned more about the more distant past and what she had done.

I am not an expert. But I think the mistake you may be making is confronting her before you have any evidence. You have no leverage and as all here will tell you, she will just deny and possibly gaslight you. If you read the JFO threads thisis what so often happens. There are very predictable patterns that play out that you need to start to understand.

You need to now lie low. It will be hard for you but you need to do this and not bring this up so she relaxes and hopefully makes a mistake if she is engaged in an A. Discretely look and have a regular routine of what you are looking at. Look at all social media sites that she is on where DMs are possible. That is where most of the activity with my WW occurred. Track her as this is ultimately the way you may catch her absent hiring a PI if she is having a PA. It’s probably too early for a PI as you might not know the when and where she would meet AP were such to be happening.

Since you dont have any hard evidence, one way to go about this is to double back on the video of her showing her tits to the group of men. She clearly shows like a women who seeks attention.

Go back to that episode, and asked her if she has cheated. Tell her that you don't believe her and ask her to take a polygraph test. You don't need to go through with the poly, but the threat and ensuing discussions you have with her is going to get her paranoid.

Prior to all this, you can place a VAR in her car, and in other locations that she likes to talk on her phone in private. You can get that if she has cheated, she will have a conversation with either the AP, or one of her best friends in the car. That is where you will catch her. If after you go through with the above, and the VAR clearly shows that she hasn't cheated, then you can rest easy and put up some better boundaries and start to build from there. The VAR in the car is a great way to listen in to conversations that would not otherwise be privy to. And never let her know where you get your information from. Never. Hide your VAR purchase, and use cash for it. DO not order it on your Amazon account b/c you will get caught.

If I had a nickel for every BS who waited to confront before they had enough evidence…

There is a reason your gut is telling you something. Question: has your gut snd intuition led you astray in the past? If yes, then pause might be in order. If not, then I wouldn’t simply lay low and observe.

Because you are fairly certain if she cheated it was in the past, then waiting to find evidence of cheating is for what reason?

To me, you have two options.
First, you can let it go. You have no firm evidence of past cheating, snd your marriage is strong and healthy now.

Second, if you can’t let go of your gut feeling,and it bothers you to the point your mental health and M is suffering, I think you should confront. You can say something along the lines that information has come to your attention that you may have cheated on me in the past? Is this the case?

If she asks about your evidence, before she even gets to denial, then that’s a red flag. If she denies, tell her that the only way you can move past this is for both of you to take a poly to confirm that neither of you have cheated.

Most of you are looking at possible cheating. I think the other behavior is outrageous enough. Who does that? Immature people do that. To me that is where you start. Ask her why that behavior is necessary to her. If she says she was drinking the common sense thing is to not drink. Especially not go out and drink at a bar.
I realize I am a fuddy duddy but I have never liked a place that is set up to get people drunk, cause bad behavior and cheating. It makes no sense unless you are committed to that lifestyle. If not what are you going to do about it?

I agree with what some people here said, which I will sort of repeat in my own words:

I don't think it's a good idea to confront, to let her know about your suspicions, unless you have solid evidence of infidelity. If she's not cheating, she'll feel that you don't trust her and she might resent you for that. If she is cheating, she'll try harder and harder to hide anything that may lead you to think that, and it's going to make things more difficult for you to find out the truth.

In my opinion, there are two options here:

1- Lay low, pretend that nothing goes on, do your life as normal, while you keep digging. Eventually she might slip up, especially if she doesn't think you have eyes on her, and then eventually, if she's cheating, you'll catch her red handed.

2- If you've been digging for too long and don't think you'll find anything, and this keeps bugging you a lot, then you might consider confronting her and, without accusing her of anything, just tell her how you feel and why. If you make it about you and she's a supportive wife, I'd expect her to talk to you about how both of you can make things better. But if she's dismissive and blames it all on you, chances are that she is cheating or that she's an inconsiderate cow whom you don't deserve as a wife.

I wish you all the best!