SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's just a strange spot in the healing process. I feel like she thinks we're doing better but knows when I'm internalizing things that may bother me with the constant "What's wrong". She, deep down, knows I've been triggered by something but I do think in an ironic case of unfairness, for both of us I need to share these things head on. Many of you have mentioned this and I need to own this part for this to work. I guess that's the answer.

You said it yourself — she KNOWS when you are struggling.

When in doubt, share it.

Feel it. Get it out of your brain.

That’s processing the feeling and getting the pain OUT.

If you’re holding back, that stuff builds up. It becomes RESENTMENT.

And I’m no expert, but after reading SI for nearly a decade, resentment doesn’t allow you to heal. Or move your relationship forward.

My wife understood I was in pain, she wanted me to feel better — and I often reminded her, I never shared my pain to make her feel BAD.

I just had to literally vent the emotions that were building up. I needed to understand a choice I didn’t make, as best as I could possibly understand it. So it created a lot of loops and asking and feeling the same stuff over and over again — that’s how to process the trauma of it all.

Head on is exactly right. You both need to hit all of these tough issues head on.

Not sharing feelings is how I think most relationships get in trouble in the first place (not an excuse for infidelity, just not healthy to not share).

For me: The only way back is to be the most authentic and true you have ever been to yourself, and your spouse (same for her too!).

R is tough, but it is an opportunity to create a safe space, far safer than whatever it was before, because you both can share your thoughts, ANY thoughts, without fear.

I find myself working through this personally but also somewhat looking at it from the outside simply due to a fascination with the psychology of it all. When Dday happened and for several heated discussions after, I asked what you all probably asked: "What would you do in my shoes (stay or go)?" The answer I got was "I don't know". At least she was somewhat honest. I think the truly honest answer would have been: "I would have tossed you out of the house and asked for a divorce". I think for those who haven't gone through this, that's a natural and easy response. My therapist threw out the question of "What are your thoughts on the For Better or Worse part of the vows when you talk about wedding vows and attempting R" and I thought it was a take on things that initially made me angry but getting past that, I thought it was interesting. What is that line where you do choose recovery and embrace the For Better or Worse even though the To Have and To Hold part has been effed up? (sorry that's my go to verb and adjective with this mess sometimes ). I think in my case, the basic stuff was never an issue: location, phone access, no contact. I think I've only questioned location once since D-day and there was no issue. The commitment by me to embrace R has been the commitment by her to want to know what's wrong when the triggers happen, to remember who I am as a person (Whatever love language doesn't like public groping ) and give me space when I need it. If there were doubts in any of these areas (and/or the basic stuff) I'd be thinking long and hard about what road is the right one. What I think you all are teaching me is that I'm holding this process up by not sharing the trigger events and impact with her. If she wants to know, tell her. If it happens and she doesn't know, tell her. Public place, private place find a way to tell her. I guess message for me at this stage of R, is there aren't many cases where WS deserve some empathy but if you're going to expect them to participate in R, good and bad, you need to share these feelings for both of your sakes. I really appreciate the help and I may even talk about what happened the other night with her just so she now knows. Peace everyone.

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 7:39 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]